Is my marriage doomed?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2010
Is my marriage doomed?
27
Fri, 01-22-2010 - 5:05pm

I feel really odd writing about this (not usually something I talk about openly). My husband and I are absolutely perfect for each other. We have an amazing friendship and a deep intense love for one another. We're attracted to each other of course and there's only one thing that we ever fight about and it's sex.

We've been married 2 years. I was a virgin and he was not (usually the case because men can't seem to say no) but he wasn't into girls who gave it up easily so he's only been with one other girl. He seems to think that sex should be this constant awesome amazing magical experience and I think it crushed him when he found out that it's not the way it is in movies and in porn. At least it's not with me. He'd never leave because of an unfulfilling sex life (he loves me waaay too much), but I know that he's disappointed in the hand he was dealt.

I, on the other hand, could stand to have sex even less. I'd never tell him so (tried this early on and it was not a good idea). He agreed to back off on the constant asking and initiating and I agreed to initiate more often. He understands that I'm built a bit differently than he is and that my sex drive isn't quite where his is. He thought it was him at first and that I didn't find him sexually desirable! I had to put forth a lot of effort to convince him otherwise. So I just decided that if we've somehow gone 3 days without it I initiate without complaints and pretend to be really into it to make him happy. He doesn't know I do this and it seems to be working, but will it work like this forever? I kinda dread it, but I value our marriage too much to be selfish. The sex is ok while it's going on, but I always feel a bit crappy afterward.

I've talked to my doctor and there's nothing wrong with me. I just have a low libido. He said the only thing I can do is talk to my husband but I have no idea how that could even solve anything. I've tried a book and sexy massage games but everything else makes me laugh and is embarrassing (which turns him off). The only thing that really works is what we're doing which is actually enjoyable for me maybe 20% of the time.

What do I do? Is my marriage doomed?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2008
Fri, 01-22-2010 - 7:24pm

IMAO: Do I perceive mixed messages? " I was a virgin and he was not (usually the case because men can't seem to say no)"
What! 'My husband and I are absolutely perfect for each other. We have an amazing friendship and a deep intense love for one another. We're attracted to each other of course and there's only one thing that we ever fight about and it's sex."

Then there is trouble in paradise! What do you mean attracted to each other?

"The sex is ok while it's going on, but I always feel a bit crappy afterward."

"What do I do? Is my marriage doomed?"

First see a sex therapist! These above writings show a value and attitude conflict. You need to know why you feel crappy afterward.
That is something you need to know and understand.

xvra
Hornycomments.com for myspace adult comments
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Sat, 01-23-2010 - 12:11am

Well if the 'two' of you don't

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2007
Sat, 01-23-2010 - 5:36am

I totally agree with the other posts. But I will give you a man's view and from a husband who married a woman that "faked it" like you.


Don't believe for a second that he "loves you waaay too much" to leave. I love my wife like that but I was almost out the door.


I (like most men I know) have sex with our wives TO PLEASE THEM. I always want to please my wife in bed. It is one of the core things that makes me feel like a man. You take that away from us and it is devastating. It not only destroys our self esteem, makes us question whether you really loves us but go right to our view of what is masculine. You can "fake it" but we know. Your husband may be inexperienced but he will soon figure it out. He will start thinking "wild thoughts", Is she having an affair, am I not attractive, am I not good in bed, she doesn't love me. Deeds speak so much more than words. You can tell a man you love him 24/7 but if you don't like or want to have sex with him he thinks you are not telling the truth.


So fix this now. We did but it took 8 years of therapy, tons of $$$ and a lot of heart ache that wasn't necessary. So unless you do something. Both of you. I believe your marriage is doomed


Good Luck


IB

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Sat, 01-23-2010 - 8:18am
...I don't know about doomed, but it (the marriage)might not be a healthy one...because you don't communicate (or at least it appears so from your post)...also, your use of blanket statements such as the one in your post in the section above "we are not sex machines, we don't work like that" (or something similar) and "men can't say no"...might be best to drop those from you thinking vocabulary...aside from that...the fact that you are engaging in a sexual relationship with your partner...that you recognize his needs and what may be some disappointment...that you recognize that he had some delusions (did he express the view that sex in marriage is supposed to be like the movies and porn?...) is a good thing...you don't have your head in the sand...you haven't drawn a line in the sand ( or so it seems) and you appear to want to work with the situation...good for you...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2010
Sat, 01-23-2010 - 7:15pm

Well thanks everyone for your honest responses.

Perhaps I did send "mixed messages" in my previous post so I'll clarify things further.

Yes, I'm sexually attracted to my husband and yes I love him dearly. I really don't believe that my low libido is a reflection of my feelings for him. I'm not so confused and in denial that I'm trying to fool myself into thinking everything's perfect. Nothing is. But every other aspect of my relationship is fabulous and I'm not just saying that. I have to "fake" getting into sex because my body's not in the game and I'd rather fake it so that HE is happy because his happiness is my priority. My mind and my heart are into it and that works fine to a point, but my body just isn't. I've asked my doctor and he said some people just don't have much of a sex drive. Perhaps it's biological, perhaps it's my birth control, who knows? But there's not a medical problem with me that prevents my enjoying sex. As far as I know.

I suppose I asked the question in the first place to see if I'm just doing something wrong. I'll be honest, I was reading the boards and discovered how many people were miserable simply because they don't get sex as much as they would like. It made me sad because I thought a relationship could be more meaningful than how often you have sex. I thought a person could love me for who I am and stay with me because I make his life wonderful, not just because the sex is good and constant (which sadly, it isn't). It just made me wonder if my husband will someday be like the husbands on these boards and just be done with me, simply because I'm not all that good at sex. I know no one else can find the solution to my problem, but I can't really have a sex talk with the people around me, so I ask internet strangers for advice. Plus I was in a crappy mood that day so perhaps I made my feelings for sex sound a bit more negative than they really are. It's ok/good about half of the time and great maybe once a month.

Now that I think about it, it's not so much the sex itself that I dread, it's the feeling crappy and tired afterward (I know what you're thinking and no, I'm in very good physical shape!). I don't feel all euphoric and magical like I think I'm supposed to. Perhaps both of us got into the whole thing with some false expectations. And yes, my husband did say at one point (when we were in our talking-about-sex phase) that he thought it would be different as well. I just want him to be happy and I feel a bit like he got the short end of the stick. I just hope he doesn't feel that way too.

It's a shame that you all feel my marriage is doomed. It's my own fault for asking, haha! I don't have the money for therapy and guaranteed it would do us more harm than good. If he knew any of this stuff it would kill him. So I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and maybe it will get better. Or maybe when I stop taking birth control I'll develop a sex drive. Only time will tell. :)

I'll figure it out and I'm sure it will turn out ok in the end. Anyway, thanks for reading.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2009
Sat, 01-23-2010 - 8:39pm
You might try switching to a IUD rather than hormonal BC. It can make a difference. After 25 years my wife switched.....her libido almost doubled....now after 1-2 days between encounters she'll suggest we need some couple time. Not something that would happen when she was on hormonal BC. Worth the try....OB/GYN said it might be $500 but insurance covered it all but $15. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Sun, 01-24-2010 - 6:25am
...if you don't communicate with your husband, your fabulous marriage will suffer...a red flag (to me) is flashing above your words concerning the posts that have made you sad...as though sex is so unimportant that a lack of feeling sexually fulfilled should not affect a relationship if everything else is fabulous...if sex is an important component of the relationship (to a poster) then being unfulfilled will not be so fabulous...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Sun, 01-24-2010 - 7:37am

"Yes, I'm sexually attracted to my husband and yes I love him dearly. I really don't believe that my low libido is a reflection of my feelings for him. I'm not so confused and in denial that I'm trying to fool myself into thinking everything's perfect. Nothing is. But every other aspect of my relationship is fabulous and I'm not just saying that."


This part of your statement stood out for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Sun, 01-24-2010 - 9:29am

<>

Just wanted to comment that this struck me as a simple, straightforward response that doesn't try to pathologize normal human variation. Bravo to your doctor!

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 01-25-2010 - 10:41am

Just wanted to add my thought that there is nothing wrong with you for having low libido.

When you see it coming, duck!

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