My wife has no interest in me at all!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2009
My wife has no interest in me at all!!
47
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 9:54pm

I've been married for 19 years and have 3 kids. The last time my wife initiated any sexual activity was when we conceived my 12 year old daughter, our youngest. After that we could have sex occasionally if I initiated it, but for the past 8 years, she doesn't want it at all. Every couple of months she will give in and allow it, but that's not enough for me. I would like sex at least once a week, preferrably twice. When we do have sex I do whatever it takes to satisfy her and make sure she is. We have talked about it and I have suggested therapy and counseling, but she won't go and doesn't think it's necessary. She believes our situation is normal for people our age. We are both 49. On the contrary, I feel great and very sexually active and I am always ready. Needless to say, I am becomming angry and extremely frustrated with our life. She gets mad if I try to touch her or even make comments about how sexy she looks. We don't even kiss anymore. I know this can't be normal! I would appreciate any comments or suggestions.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 10:21am
How serious are you about wanting the situation to change? Are you willing to continue like this forever, or are you willing to consider divorce? You've already tried suggesting counseling to your wife and she's completely unconcerned about how you're feeling. For there to be any chance she might change, she's going to have to think you're serious enough for it to threaten the current status quo. If you're going to back down and continue like things have been going, then there's pretty much no possibility of anything changing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 11:10am

<>

A lot of HLs suggest this to their LL partners and a lot of LLs resist. Let's think about that for a moment. Why would they resist so vehemently? In A FEW cases, they may be scared to "face up to" past issues like sexual abuse, but I doubt the majority fall into this category. Could it be that in their core, the LLs feel there is nothing to fix within them? If that's the case, it's no wonder they would resist therapy. Yes, I'm aware that "a problem for one is a problem for both," but the very fact of presenting a quiescent sex life as a problem within a long-term relationship may go against the LL's physical and mental instincts. On some deep level, these LLs are recoiling against their partners' (and society's) insinuation that they are flawed. Resisting therapy is their form of protest against such insinuations.

Don't jump too hard on me, folks -- I'm just trying to present an alternative to the usual perspective.

F.




Edited 1/18/2009 11:12 am ET by freelancemomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2008
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 11:29am

Don't jump too hard on me, folks -- I'm just trying to present an alternative to the usual perspective.


Not going to jump on you at all.


A lot of HLs suggest this to their LL partners and a lot of LLs resist.


Correct.


Let's think about that for a moment. Why would they resist so vehemently? In A FEW cases, they may be scared to "face up to" past issues like sexual abuse, but I doubt the majority fall into this category.


I agree.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2008
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 12:20pm

"In which case, I would suggest that the LL is looking for excuses. The issue isn't that they have a LL. The issue is that there is ML. If both had LL, then the "quiescent sex life" wouldn't be a problem. What the LL should know (yes, I know you hate the word "should", but I'm using it here as an indicator of likelihood of probabilty, not as a moral commandment) is that some issue in the relationship exists. As I've commented elsewhere, in any other area, if an issue exists, it is in the interests of both parties to address it. "

But I bet that's not how the LL is taking the suggestion of therapy. If the therapy suggestion is presented in such a way as to say "I think you have a problem/I think your behavior is causing a problem, and I want us to go to therapy to get it resolved", the LL is not going to take the suggestion as a positive thing, they are going to see it as "he thinks I'm broken and wants me to fix it so he can be happy". If she doesn't think she's broken, she is going to resent that POV.

The suggestion of therapy needs to be presented in such a way as to not accuse the LL of being the problem, it needs to be presented as *his* problem or primarily a relationship problem. It may be too late for this relationship, however, if she is resisting therapy because she resents being told she is broken and needs to be fixed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2008
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 1:13pm

The suggestion of therapy needs to be presented in such a way as to not accuse the LL of being the problem, it needs to be presented as *his* problem or primarily a relationship problem. It may be too late for this relationship, however, if she is resisting therapy because she resents being told she is broken and needs to be fixed.


I think this hits the nail on the head.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 9:59am

I think this hits the nail on the head.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2008
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 10:20am

Ultimately, you have to decide how you're going to deal with your own situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2007
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 12:57pm

'..Could it be that in their core, the LLs feel there is nothing to fix within them? If that's the case, it's no wonder they would resist therapy. Yes, I'm aware that "a problem for one is a problem for both," but the very fact of presenting a quiescent sex life as a problem within a long-term relationship may go against the LL's physical and mental instincts. On some deep level, these LLs are recoiling against their partners' (and society's) insinuation that they are flawed.'


Could not agree more. To put it a LOT less eloquently: say, you're happy with a couple of sandwiches a day plus maybe a snack in the evening because this is just how you are, how you've been all your life. Your partner who loves eating 3 huge meals a day with 3 snacks inbetween says: I do believe you have serious 'food avoidance' issues. I wonder if perhaps a chat with a therapist might cure it'. Enough said.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 1:21pm

Again, thats a bad analogy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 1:44pm

<>

I think we all understand that sex is unique in that each partner depends exclusively on the other (at least in a monogamous relationship) to satisfy their needs or non-needs. What I'm trying to say is that even when ML is ostensibly brought up (by the HL) as a "we" problem, the UNDERLYING message often seems to be that the LL is flawed or at fault. IMO, the only way to change this is with public education on the normal, natural diversity of sexual interest in the population and within long-term relationships.

F.

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