In need of HELP!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
In need of HELP!!!
70
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 9:47am

I have been married to my husband for almost six years, we have two children, I am a full time student, and he's starting school in the fall. I have NO DESIRE to have sex at ALL! He is comlpaining about intimacy, and refuses to do anything intimate other than sex. I dont want sex, I dont have any desire to have sex, and I have much more important things to do with my time. He always asks for it at the worst times, which just makes me feel discusted and used. To me, it seems that he places a value on sex that is way to high. In fact, he stated that if it doesnt change, and there is still a problem in a few years, he would consider divorce or cheating. That says to me that sex is only about him getting off, which turns me off even more. I dont think that a marriage should be based on sex, nor should it be as important as other issues. I also think that sex should not even be in the mix for what makes a happy marriage. Sex is an added bonus that is not needed for a successful marriage; love, trust, and faithfulness are.

We have tried to discuss it and have purchased a book on the subject. We did an excersise out of it were we had to list our favorite sexual stuff. His list compromised of things that people buy hookers for. Again, I felt discusting and used. I wanted to cry. I dont want to lose my husband, but I dont want to feel forced into doing things that I dont want to do.

Any suggestions as to solve this problem?

**I posted this on the "Ask the Relationship Saver" board, and it was suggested to me to also post here for some other opinions. I am willing to TRY ANYTHING to make my husband happy, and myself happy aswell. ANYTHING you have to say will be greatly appreciated***

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 10:55am

" I have NO DESIRE to have sex at ALL! He is comlpaining about intimacy, and refuses to do anything intimate other than sex. I dont want sex, I dont have any desire to have sex, and I have much more important things to do with my time."

Well you're 'both' wrong in your thinking here and as long as you both continue thinking this way, sounds like your marriage will fail.

Not much anyone can do for you as long as you both think like this. Sex for most people is an 'important' part of the intimacy in the relationship. If you continue to think that you have more important things to do with your time, the relationship will continue to spiral downward.

Your husband needs to change his way of thinking as intimacy outside the bedroom is important also though I don't know if he is retaliating across your hard line stance on sex and is refusing to provide any form of intimacy outside the bedroom till you change your stance on inside the bedroom. Then again maybe he is jerk if he truly feels that way.

You're relationship needs to be a priority both inside and outside the bedroom. Finding time; while very hard to do with kids, school and work, is something that every couple needs to make happen. It might be once or twice a week or maybe an hour every night after the kids go to bed; sometimes just talking, just snuggling or playing a game (intimacy for you outside the bedroom), sometimes having sex (intimacy for him inside the bedroom) but it needs to happen. Finding two hours a week for having sex twice a week might be somewhat hard to do but should be doable. You also need to find time for walking and talking, playing a game, snuggling on the coach watching TV, whatever might meet your emotional needs. Are you and your husband going to make your marriage a priority?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2007
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 11:01am
...a good healthy, active sex life is a small part of a good marriage...an inactive sex life is a big part of a marriage...the more you deny the more he wants...why should he have to put aside his need for sex because you don't have a need for it...currently..your need to not have it is being met..when does his need to have it with a partner that desires him and wants him get to be met?..wow..like I said above in another post...it's just plain old selfishness..you don't want it..so, he should live without it or be satisfied with someone who will give in everynowandagain and act as though they would rather be doing anything else?...good luck with this attitude...I hope it serves you well...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2007
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 11:04am
you're exactly right...I've been a full time mother of 3, a full time student and a full time mother..I've worked outside the home 46 hours a week...and, I always found time to watch a favorite show...read...surf the net...I always found time for me...it would have been just as easy to give my husband half of that time everyday..
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 11:43am
Our marriage is the most important priority besides our children. Neither one of us want to end the marriage AT ALL. That's why I am so open to doing ANYTHING I can to change this and get both of our needs met. We do watch TV together, but most of the time it's not on the same couch. We dont play games, as it is hard to do that without including our six year old. When the weather was cooler, we took family walks daily, and (thinking back) we did have sex more often and he did seem pleased.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 12:01pm

I dont get "me time," unless you count taking a shower and sleeping. I am either taking care of my kids or studying. That is my day. I'm actually taking time out of studying to get suggestions on how to solve this problem. I have a quiz due today, and a paper due in two days, and then more quizes after that. I'm taking four classes this summer, all online. We both, however, do make it a point to watch law and order around eleven when I stop my school work for the day (I start around nine in the morning).

I do realize that I am being selfish, and I do give it to him, but it's not nearly as much as he wants. The sex we do have now consists of me laying there not getting anything out of it. He would like it 2 to 3 times a week at least. I would be content with once a month, or less. I want (and need) to find a happy medium, get something back in the desire department, and (hopefully) not feel so used.

I am soooo attracted to him, I just have no desire for sex at all. I dont think about it unless he brings the subject up, or I can see his pain of being told no. His desires and fantacies are not compatable with me, I find them gross and wrong. I do, however, try not show my disdain for them when he opens up to me about something new he thought of or saw (he watches porn). I don't, however, want to do them and tell him that's not for me. He respects that, but still asks occasionally for us to try them.

I have a very conservative appoach to sex, but at the same time, want to get the flame back. After talking to the people on the relationship saver board, I have come to respect his opinions and have developed an attitude of "I'll try anything within my morals." Anything that has worked for anyone to make differing libidos compatable, I would be willing to try. I just dont want this to end my marriage. I love my husband, and I want to be married to him for the rest of my life. I dont want lack of sex to end it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2007
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 1:04pm
...fake it...act like you enjoy it three times a week...it's not a lot of effort...I've been through the small children thing myself...and, I did not make time for my man...when I did "give in" I acted as though it was a waste of time and energy...not much of a turn on for him...why would he not go somewhere else?..why not?...because he loves to be rejected?..he loves to feel like the one person on earth is going to be there no matter what would rather surf the net..or play patty cake?....I found that the more I gave in..the more I started enjoying it...it's an attitude...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2007
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 1:08pm
oh...I just caught your child's age...6 year's old is a bit old to need you every waking minute...though, as I have one myself...I know that they can be a handful...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 4:35pm

I also have a 17 month old son. And caring for him is non-stop. My daughter has behavior problems and needs to be watched all the time. I also usually have to clean up her messes as she gets into everything. It's alot of stress.

I've tried faking it, but it doesnt work, because he knows when I do and when I dont. When I do fake it, it ruins the mood for him and he gets frustrated. I've made the suggestion to schedule sex, he said no. I got really good advice for that one and plan to use it. Not to mention, that if I do just have sex with him, resentment could grow and that would kill any ground that is made.

My main problem is that I NEVER get the desire to have sex. I would like to get it back so that my husband is happy. Even though it's not really important to me, he views it as essential to a happy marriage. Though I dont agree with that and think that other things should be the focus, he doesnt. Sex is how he shows his love for me. But at the same time, I dont want to feel forced into doing anything. Again, resentment can rear it's ugly head.

Also, my time is not spent surfing the net. My time is studying and getting my school work done, while watching two very active children. When I get to bed, I am exhausted and dont feel like doing anything, much less have sex. My needs are not neccessarily not to have sex, but to sleep and study. Those, do take presidence over sex in my life. Unfortunalty, my husband does not see that, and thus we have a problem. I didnt even KNOW there was a problem until about six months ago, when he brought up the subject. I thought everything was fine.

I am not really viewing this as about me, it's all about my husband. I could get by with not having sex, my husband cannot.




Edited 7/8/2007 4:49 pm ET by floralie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2006
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 6:36pm

I thought this was very ironic & contridictory. You state that sex should not even be in the mix for what makes a happy marriage, but you end with the importance of love, trust & faithfulness.
Are you expecting your husband to be faithful (forever) if you have this attitude about sex? I am on the other side of the fence (HL), but I think an attitude like this (non-compromising) could drive someone to be unfaithful.

Just my 2 cents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 7:27pm
I have stated that I am willing to compromise. That is my thoughts on the issue of sex. If you dont have the other things first, then you are just getting off. Plain and simple.

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