Need help understanding my LL

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Need help understanding my LL
18
Fri, 06-18-2010 - 5:11pm

Hi.

2010 Siggy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 7:39am
...I can speak only for myself...but, I never formed the thought "I am going to come up with a list of excuses that he will have to run down through in order to have sex"...I really felt the reasons were true...probably (I don't really have memory of my thought processes) I was so disturbed that I became so anti-sex with my husband that I would not let myself think "I am just not attracted to him...I simply don't want to have sex my husband, ever"....so, instead...society supplied me with a number of reasons that I probably didn't want to have sex with him...I was tired after giving birth and being the sole caregiver to our son (that would have lasted a few months, I am sure...I don't believe he slept through the night until he was 9 months old)...I was touched out...I was feeling like I was stuck at home...I was out of shape because of the pregnancy and laziness...but, you are right...it became a way of life...and, I got pretty comfortable...but, my husband really couldn't have called me a liar...or, claimed to be mistrustful of me...I was completely honest...except with myself...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 8:35am

Well, I didn't want to be in the blame game here, and we are all pretty good at self-justification I guess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 12:11pm

<< While I am pretty good at being understanding and compassionate and generous, that simply doesn't work if, over a period of years, my needs are not being met... >>


My new theory about genuine love is that it must be deeply ensconced in justice and equity or it falls short of the intended purpose for it. To allow oneself to be cheated is to cheat oneself, now making both parties thieves.


Even the selfish party has suffered when the other gives inequitably,

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 12:19pm

Ugh, what a description of my life

Not pretty, but thanks for the illumination.

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 12:31pm

You're most welcome Miranda.


My new gf is only jealous of one other woman in my life... 'justice.'


Similar to Solomon's 'wisdom,' I refer to her in the feminine, praise her endlessly, and give her the

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 1:01pm

Also, my wife is putting me to the test in this area. Although living in the same home (which is for sale), I have not spoken to her other than when necessary since she separated our finances (to put theft politely) on April 1st.


Yesterday, she used a mutual friend to ask me what it would take to reconcile. I replied that DW would have to be without her co-dependent friend *and* without me for as long as I have been without my DW for no good reason since she chose friend over me (11 months). Then, and only then, would I begin to think about reconciliation. No guarantee we would reconcile but in the meantime, DW would regain the relationship with D18 they is now at a complete loss due to her relationship with said 'friend.'


Mutual friend asked me if that wasn't asking a bit too much and I replied that I would spare DW the betrayal for those 11 months and that DW was actually coming out ahead on the deal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 1:20pm

Agree there's a complicity and both parties have contributed, even if it's only by putting up with the situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 1:41pm

<< I think the essential thing is to have objectives and timescales... >>


I agree that equitable giving of love is not like changing shifts at the cash register where the money is reconciled every few hours. However, if we allow the balance to swing in one direction for too long (barring uncontrollable circumstances), genuine love begins to falter and, IMHO, we're either feeding love or poisoning it -

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