NEED SERIOUS ADVICE, don't want sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
NEED SERIOUS ADVICE, don't want sex
12
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 9:39am
I am 18 years old and have been in a relationship for about 3 years. I used to love sex and we engaged in it almost everyday at least once. Now i NEVER want to have sex, i've lost almost all interest in it. I now try find ways to avoid it b/c I always feel to "blah" and have poor body image. My b/f is getting very fustrated and thinks its him, when this is all b/c of me. I'm beginning to think there's something wrong w/ me since i'm only 18 and have no sex drive.I've seen 100's of articles that help men, but nothing for women, is there a pill out there or something? what can i do ??

Pages

Avatar for cl_elyse449
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 4:29pm

Hi smilodon2006,


Welcome! Just need a bit more info about your situation.


You mentioned your age, but you didn't mention your b/f's?


Also, how long have you two been together?


Are you currently on any medications (even OTC)?


What is you two's schedules like? Work? College?


Next, what sort of things help you to feel good about yourself?


What sort of things does your b/f do that helps you to truly feel loved by him? Does he do those things consistently?


How is your communication?


Sorry to bombard you with questions, but

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2007
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 4:50pm
you should go to your doctor and let them know what's going on.If this change in libido happened suddenly, was there something that could be a factor? Has this poor perception of your body image been a problem for a while?or has it been around since the beginning of the relationship? Obviously your bf still enjoys your body or the lack of sex wouldn't bother him.Maybe if you let him in on the reasons that you don't want sex, he can help you with your self-esteem instead of feeling like he's done something wrong. Sometimes blood pressure, depression, and stress can be factors too.go to the doctor and don't pressure yourself too much!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 5:54pm

Hi Smilo,



Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 9:34am
we've been together for 3 years, our communication is the best part of our relationship-we're also best friends. And we both know that the art of compromising is what designs a relationship. he awlays makes sure i have live roses in my bathroom-b/c i love bubble baths :) when they die he replaces them. i know he loves me to death. he's only a year older than i am. we don't live together. i live @ home, i am still a senior in high school. our work schedules are not too bad,but we're tight on money most of the time. This loss of libido was not sudden. i have a feeling its due to my birth control pills, but the problem is that i can' go to my doctor about this- i have a bad relationship w/ my mom who is a nurse. she does not like my b/f at all, in fact i think she is jealous of him. so if i said i needed to go to the docs b/c i have lost interest of sex, she'd be like " good". -she wouldn't take me for that reason. and plus my doctor and my mom work in the same building. so that makes things difficult, also i am on her insurance so if i went privatly the visit would show up on the bill. i was hoping maybe i could find another solution. My body image problems i think also sprouted from my mom last year b4 prom-she siad i got "quite chunky" and would need a bigger dress. my mom never called me that before, and i started using a variety of diet pills to get back down to my nomal wieght. i think i have answered all the ?'s if not i'm am sry and i will reply back, thank you so much for the support.


Edited 2/17/2007 9:41 am ET by smilodon2006
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2004
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 7:01pm

Well. I thought I'd try to help out even though I may not be the best authority. I have never heard of birth control affecting libido like some other people have mentioned. Although, looking at what it does to hormone levels and regulation in the body, I can understand how it could. On the other hand, many many women use it without having these effects.

I think the main reason I wanted to post a reply was because of you body image comments. Over the last three years, I went through a time where I gained quite a bit of weight and I am now losing the weight (half way there! 15 lbs to go!). So just as a possible cause, I thought I point to this. I know that while I was gaining weight I had this particular body image of myself - I didn't see myself as overweight until a very sudden realization point. And from there I have developed this altered perception of myself and even after the weight I have lost, I don't seem myself as any more attractive. I don't allow myself to become interested in anyone, I don't allowed myself to consider that someone might be interested in me. I'm not sure entirely why I do this: not believing I could get the guy, not believing it was possible to be wanted.

In your case, you have someone else (your mother) who is also beating down your body image in addition to your own mental repremands. I know in my case, I would not be able to handle that, especially since you mentioned trying to lose the weight and (I think you said this) it not working thus far. I know with the diet I'm on right now and the degree of obsession it takes to remain committed and not eat that bagel that's sitting in the cupboard (holy macaroni I want it! Ooo macaroni!), I go absolutely bonkers any week that my weight doesn't go down. I image you would feel similar frustration and the last thing you need at that point is to have someone telling you that aren't looking so great. You may find yourself wanting to be alone and not really understanding why.

If this is at all ringing a bell with you then I think the best thing to do is talk to your mom. She needs to know that 1) you cannot handle her comments 2) you need to find an effect way to lose weight. As a nurse, she should have lots of knowledge about nutrition. However, that being said my own mother in her career is VERY knowledged at nutrition but was unable to lose the weight on her own simply because she (like me) needed more support. My mother and I have lost weight via LA weightloss. I don't mean to advertise them but it's a good program because they really teach you about portions and they have a maintainence period where they make sure you know how to maintain your weight after the loss. I think that weightwatchers is a similar program. Weightwatchers is counting points - LA weightloss is counting servings. Mmm.. but if you are on a tight budget these would be somewhat out of the question. If would wanted I could post a brief outline of the diet I'm on?

You mentioned that you were trying dieting pills. Which I wouldn't support as the most effective way to lose weight and keep it off. The truth is there is no miracle drug. For example, when I worked in a pharmacy last summer (btw I am a current uni science student applying to pharmacy - if you start wondering where all this drug comments are coming from), there was a woman that came in asking about chromium suppliments to aid in weight loss. I thought that was a pretty interesting idea so I looked up chromium in the pharmacy drug manual to read up on it. In fact what Chromium does it slows your production of insulin in the pancreas, thus lowering your physical craving for sugar. BUT - there are problems: 1) bad if you are diabetic obviously 2) many times people crave food for mental reasons over physical ones - overeating which leads to weight-gain isn't from always being hungry but from over-indulging 95% of the time 3) chromiun is actually shown to cause weight-gain in younger women who have lower levels of physical activity 4) can cause nausea.

BUT this was just to give an example of how one type of pill can bring in so many complication and leaves so many routes open to failure. And in the end, with a pill, you are only putting off the problem (being that you many not know what healthy eating is - that may sound insulting but I just mean to state a fact. I fully admit I had no clue I was being so unhealthy with my eating until a few months ago - salt is surely the kicker!)

Anyway, so there is my big blurb on weight and libido.

Another thing I just wanted to mention was the possibility that you may not be fully in love with your bf anymore. You are 18 and have been going out with him for 3 years. That is a very long relationship at a very young age. I actually was in a similar relationship myself although only 2 years long. It's not wrong to want to 'explore your options'. And it's not strange to grieve over the loss of a relationship even if you were the one who wanted to end it. You say you know he loves you very much. Do you know you still love him? This might be a pressuring factor for you without you really realizing it and perhaps you worry that you may lose his friendship as well if you try to end the relationship. But staying in a relationship where your aren't entirely happy isn't a good thing. My older sister (24) recently ended a relationship with her boyfriend of 5 years because she realized that, while they made wonderful friends and there was nothing fundamentally wrong with the relationship, she was looking for something more. IT was a very difficult thing for her to do but you can't spend you life asking "what if?" right?

Avatar for cl_elyse449
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 6:28pm

Hi smilodon,


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 7:54pm
Thank you so much for your support. I am 5'2" and as for my weight I’m not sure, somewhere between 110-115 lbs. and no my mom is NOT in peak condition what so ever, she is obese, a smoker, and has a VERY poor diet. - which she tries to impose on me - i think she's subconsciously jealous of my diet b/c for the most part i have it under control- lots of fruits, veggies, protein, and some carbs but not a lot.She brought me to the doctors to be put on birth control, i just don't think she would support this visit b/c it would help my relationship with my b/f- but our relationship is not one she supports - As long as i'm not preggers then the birth control is doing its job. Is there any way i could see a doctor besides my normal one to switch w/o her knowing? i'm just curious.
Avatar for cl_elyse449
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 3:43pm

Hi there smiledon,


5'2 at 115 lbs is NOT overweight. You could consult with your physician and see their charts, but I don't believe that's overweight at all. Even still, you said your Mom is "obese and a smoker" so I don't think I would take to heart her comments about you. Let it go through one ear and out the other. It may be that she's just not dealing with her aging well...and that's unfortunate, but it is HER issue-don't make it yours.


Is there any way to see your doctor without her knowing? Probably not. She'll get the billing notices from the insurance company. However, should she ask you why you went-it's up to you on what you tell her. The other thing I wanted to point out is, with bcp's you do need to be seen yearly by your doctor anyway. And even if not, you should be seen yearly for your health's sake. So, when is your yearly exam scheduled? You could take that opportunity to discuss this issue with your doctor. If the pill has made you gain weight and lose libido, it may be worth letting her know about it.


Is there a way to switch doctors without her knowing? I don't think so-again, she'd get the insurance billings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 5:06pm
My mom doesn't like my b/f because he's poor to put it bluntly. like seriously- his parents don't have any food at all in the house. and b/c of car, insurance and college payments he hasn't saved up very much for himself. As for college i'm going to MCLA for pre-law. i'm moving out as soon as i'm finacially stable enough. And thanxs for the advice
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 12:04pm

Honesty is great in concept, but sometimes its not always practical with a parent. Be honest about wanting to go to the doctor about the pills, but she doesnt need to know why. You can tell her you think they are causing headaches, lack of energy, dizzyness, or the runs! You just get out the paper with the list of side effects and pick one and read the paper in front of her. Ask her opinion about something related to it and tell her casually that you are going to make an appt to see the doctor about it. After the appt, just say, oh he switched the dosage or whatever.
If you dont have the paperwork for the pills, just go get a copy from the drugstore, they can reprint it for you. this way she will feel involved but she will also see that you are handling being on the pill responsibly.

Did I mention that I tend to find all the loopholes in life?

Pages