New on this board and need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
New on this board and need advice
3
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 5:16pm

Hi, I am new on this board and thought I'd ask a question or so.


I am almost 43 years old and have had a hysterectomy (there goes my sex life), I am married to a wonderful man who is 14 years older than me and is ALWAYS ready.


It's not that I don't love him, I do very much, but I can't even lay in the bed and turn over without him grooping and grabbing me and trying to wrap himself up around me, usually so tight I can't even breathe or move at all. If I try to pull away he says I don't love him. I have tried to explain to him that him wrapping up around me has NOTHING to do with love. I have night sweats and he puts out ALOT of heat and I just can't stand it anymore.


Is there anything he can take to calm him down? I feel like my sex life is ok and I am having alot in my condition, but he would have it 15 times every day if I would put out.


I need some advice, but most of all I need a sex vacation, but if I try to get two nights in a row without it, I have to make up for it the next 5 or 6 nights......I'm tired.


Help !!!!!


Lisa (leasy)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 8:38pm

WOW


I'm the female HL in the relationship but if my SO went through surgery that may affect hormone levels I obviously would cut him some slack....


How long ago did you have surgery? do you take complimentary hormones to keep your levels normal? do they have any side-effects like dryness or low libido...


Tell SO to bring it down a notch ^_^

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2007
Fri, 01-04-2008 - 5:00am

I second the WOW. I'm a man and I think you should tell him to back off. That you love him but you need some rest and you need LESS HEAT. My wife has never been able to sleep with me all cuddled up so we just hold hands. Perhaps that would make him feel better. I know how you must feel. I know, how would a man know? Well, my office I'm the only male. My assistant had the same surgery and a lot of the women are going through that hormonal change. I am always freezing. Yesterday it was below zero here and they have the widows open to cool off. Two of them were outside in only their scrubs to cool off. I couldn't go out unless I was covered head to toe.


Tell him what you need.


Ciao

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2007
Fri, 01-04-2008 - 10:29pm

Hello leasyh......

Welcome to the board. I, too, have had a hysterectomy, and I noticed after having it that it didn't seem to affect my sex drive (or lack thereof) as much as I'd wondered. In some women I know it did, but in others it felt liberating for them, a time to enjoy a life without the pain and problems they associated with their periods. One woman I know said it finally made her feel she could f*ck with abandon! Hah! So please share with us the reasons why you feel that this has taken away your sex drive. If it has, there are many options open to you.

I'm interested to know the answers to some of the questions that were asked. How long ago was your hysterectomy? (I am assuming that you had a total hysterectomy, otherwise your ovaries should produce enough estrogen to prevent your night sweats.) Do you take any sort of HRT and if so, do you feel that the dosage is sufficient for you? Do you still feel that you lubricate enough or is vaginal dryness a developing problem? And what about the mental aspect of the surgery -- did or does it make you feel less of a woman, or frightened about your future?

Each woman is different with her HRT needs. A testosterone gel or patch really works for some women if they want to try boosting the old libido...or their self-esteem, with the libido a pleasant side effect. :) The night sweats you're having are telling me that something isn't yet right in your hormone replacement mix -- this sometimes takes a lot of trialling and erroring to get it right -- so if you're getting the sweats, see your gynecologist for a complete battery of hormone level tests that'll show your exact needs and take that to a compounding pharmacy in your area. They'll mix up a personalized potion just for you and it costs only a bit more than regular old HRT like Estratest.

Now about the sexual aspect. A few more questions. Before your surgery, did your DH hug you like you describe and/or ask for the same amount of sex he is asking for now, or has his requests ramped up since your body changed?

If your response to his advances is different now that you've changed physically and emotionally that is completely normal, an imbalance of your hormones can and does influence your physical and emotional reactions to situations. If you have tried to explain this yourself to your DH and he seems to act like he feels it is an excuse you are giving him and that he is taking it personally regardless of your explanations, you should go to your gynecologist and have him or her explain everything to your DH as well. I say this because this happened to me -- because my rejection hurt him, my ex did not really believe my explanations and this caused a very hurtful ripple effect that ended up contributing to the downfall of our marriage. By the time I brought my gyno into it, it was too late. I urge you to give your DH an outside perspective, that will help him process what has been happening to you.

If, however, he is acting the same as he always has and you have lost interest, then you must decide if you wish to pursue all avenues available to you to return your libido to the place that most closely matches his. You may get your gynecologist's help to explain that while you may not be able to match your previous encounters in quantity, that quality and love is still very present and perhaps the two of you could compromise given the new dynamic in your life -- i.e., your surgery. Plain and simple, you are not the person that you were before because a vital sexual hormone producing organ has been removed and its abscence changes things. Hopefully the two of you can create a new tradition.

Please keep in mind that this is difficult for him as well. If he's asking for the same amounts it may be confusing for him and scary for him to think that you now no longer wish sex with him. Perhaps the surgery's possible side effects (no sex interest) frightened him and made him worried he'd lose that aspect of you and he keeps pushing to assure himself that you are still there with him. If he's asking for more suddenly, his urge to keep everything normal might be spurring him to gather reassurance from you.

Lastly, ask your gynecologist to tell him to give you space with the sweats if he is not willing or able to listen to you. He sounds very vulnerable right now and it may be too much for you to explain to him that you need space AND that it is not personal. He may not be able to "hear" you, but might if it is clinically explained.

I hope I've helped. Good luck.