No desire, negative thoughts, repeat

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2009
No desire, negative thoughts, repeat
28
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 10:46pm

I have a low libido and negative emotions about sex. I'm 100% positive that one causes the other and it goes in a circle. I'm only just beginning to recognize some of the emotions and consider where it might originate from and I could really use some support and ideas to get me through the process. At the moment I can't make it to therapy though it is in my plans for the future.... unfortunately my relationship may not be able to handle the wait.

I would love to have someone (or many someones) to share my experience with and get some ideas from but before I go nuts writing it all out... am I even in the right place?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Thu, 05-20-2010 - 3:47am

I think you are in a good place here - there are some very compassionate and smart people here who share your experience.


Is the difficulty with therapy money?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Thu, 05-20-2010 - 6:11am

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Hi there,

I'm also a LL woman. I know some people may view this as a kind of cheat-sheet, but I think a glass or two of wine works better than all the self-talk in the world (and you can do both -- wine plus self-talk).

Freelance

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Thu, 05-20-2010 - 9:03am
Let's start with the basics: what are some of those negative thoughts that you have?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2009
Thu, 05-20-2010 - 1:52pm

Thanks, I'll try to find that book.

The obstacle to therapy right now is time. I have a full time job and I go to school part time (which amounts to full time because they're difficult classes). I'm irregularly seeing a therapist for a different issue that I think is related to everything, but when I've tried to bring up sex issues I think it makes him uncomfortable - definitely not his expertise. It's harder and harder to fit the appointments into my schedule. I've had such a hard time finding a therapist with hours I can fit into!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2009
Fri, 05-21-2010 - 1:16am

Well.. Right now the dominating theme in my head is that sex ruins everything. It's anger and frustration at not being "normal', I think. Every relationship has been broken because of sex. Every time I see a male character in a TV show or movie that cheats on his wife I get irritated because if it weren't for sex that marriage might be happy. I hate how complicated sex is. More than anything at all I'm just so frustrated with the unfairness of it. Why me? Why can't I be normal? Why do *i* have to change, why doesn't he? Men have pills to help with they need it, women don't. Men are the ones with the higher sex drives (typically) and they are the ones who see my low sex drive as a problem, so why don't they ever have to change? I've never had a man offer to meet him halfway or offer to take a new medication whose side effect may decrease his sex drive. That just seems completely unfair. I realize of course that if I magically gained a healthy normal libido I'd forget everything I just typed and just be happy, or at least not so stressed about sex. I could focus on more important things! Thinking of it now I'm sure that most of the anger I have is anger with myself that I project onto other things. Trying to force blame on something when it's all within myself.. But then which one is really healthy? Anger at the world (I honestly think this has a lot to do with the rest of my anger problems throughout life) or self hatred.. neither choice seems like a good one. I feel stuck.

Other stuff.. I seriously dislike being thought of as a sex object or tool, like if I'm giving my boyfriend a hand, so to speak, and he's trying to fondle me.. at that moment I feel like nothing more than a prop. Sometimes I feel like I can't let my guard down and walk through my bedroom naked after a shower because I may have to fight off groping hands. I talked to my boyfriend about that, he understands and is accommodating that but the talk wasn't that long ago and the fear is still there.

When I have sex I enjoy it. Well, most of the time. With this boyfriend absolutely. He's paid attention and adapted and now he knows exactly what to do to satisfy me. Even though I know I'm going to enjoy it I still can't make myself /want/ to do it. If I just go with it and let him initiate and we get down to business we'll be halfway done before my mind finally accepts that it's a good thing and shuts off the other thoughts so i can enjoy it.

*sigh* I'm just sick of it. It feels hopeless because I've been trying to fix it for so long. Some progress has been made as I've become aware of some things, like feeling vulnerable and anxious when I get out of the shower, and I've been able to develop ways to work with the new revelations. It's tough. It's ridiculously tough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Fri, 05-21-2010 - 5:10am

The obstacle to therapy right now is time


I'd like to offer something to you, which,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Fri, 05-21-2010 - 9:42am

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Women cheat, too, you know. And sex is rarely the real issue when it happens for either gender. And who is to say that their marriage was happy otherwise?

The reason I bring this up is because it clearly exposes your bias. I find that many women have a very negative view of male sexuality. They don't understand it, they find it base and unbecoming, and they often fear it.

Many of us men on here have posted at one point or another that we have been made to feel ashamed of our sexuality. When my ML problem was as it's worst, I certainly did feel some shame and some disgust at my own sexuality. I thought, "if only I didn't want sex so much..." I don't indulge those thoughts anymore. My sexuality is a key part of who I am, and I will not apologize for it.

It's time that we, as a society, enter into a new and better discourse about male and female sexuality. To reintegrate some of the "traditional" aspects of the male/female roles into the realities of modern relationships. Right now, we have the worst of both worlds when we can have the best of both worlds if we really try.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Fri, 05-21-2010 - 10:26am

we have been made to feel ashamed of our sexuality


Yep, me too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
Fri, 05-21-2010 - 10:48am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Fri, 05-21-2010 - 2:47pm

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