No L Problem here

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2007
No L Problem here
3
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 2:12am

I'm new to the boards. I'm 23, almost 24 and I haven't had a sex drive in years. I'm getting so depressed. I spoke with my doctor who didn't believe me, said I was way too healthy to have this problem but put me on b/c and said it might help. I went on b/c for 7 months and nothing, NOTHING. So I got off the b/c and my doctor reconmended me to an ab/gyn who also specializes in FSD. I went to him, had some blood tests done. Nothing is physically wrong with me, it has to be mental. How do you fix mental!?

I can't stand looking at a magazine talking about sex, listening to music that talks about sex and horniness.. I can't stand going for a walk because I see the happy couples together. My Mother (who knows about my problem) is pressuring me to produce a grandchild. How can I do that with no sex drive?! I am not going to jump into a relationship with my problem. I am not going to tell someone "You can be with me but no sex". I can't stand listening to my HL best friend complain because sex 3Xs a week is just NOT ENOUGH. *sighs* What did I do to deserve this?

2 years ago, there was a glimmer of hope. A co-worker started emailing me at work and flirting with me.. and it WORKED. I had a sex drive, a HIGH one.. *at work*. Finally, after a few months of teasing, I had my beautiful co-worker alone at his house.. he kissed me, touched me.. knows what he was doing.. and *nothing*. No horniness at all. As amazing as his touching and kissing was, my mind was on the grocery list, or whatever I saw on tv, etc etc. Nothing he did worked, but I didn't want him to know that. I was horrified inside.. I kept telling myself to get horny, and it wouldn't work. I tried to relax, and think about all the wonderful things he was doing, and nothing. I had sex with him anyways and faked it. I was so disappointed (not in him) but just in myself.

I've only had 2 sexual partners. My first one was a bf of a year when I was 17. I was horny all the time, but waited and waited and waited. I thought if I waited, it would be the right thing to do. I finally had sex with him on Valentines Day. My bf loved me, and was gentle and sweet.. BUT I was so nervous/awkward the horniness was NOT there and it was *awful*. We had sex many times after that but there was no horniness and it was awful. After a couple weeks I gave up. I had no sex drive. 3 years later, that bf stayed with me because he just loved me so much and wanted to wait until I was ready but I broke it off with him. I couldn't handle this anymore. I didn't want to kiss or touch or any intimacy and I didn't want to bring him "down" with me. That was right before the co-worker started talking to me. I liked the intimacy with the co-worker but the drive is not there when it was time to. *sighs*

A year ago I had a close-call with another co-worker. We were kissing and touching at this 5-star hotel but physically it was not there for me. And this guy is breathtakingly beautiful, he would put Brad Pitt to shame.. BUT I did not physically want it. *sighs* What is wrong with me?!

It's been 2 years with no sex drive.. and I can count my sexual experiences on two hands and they have all been awful. I don't know what it's like to enjoy sex, to want it and have it with someone. To have a normal sexual relationship. I am missing out. I finally spent some time with my 17 year old cousin who I haven't seen in 5 years. I remember when she was a baby and SHE was telling me about her sex life. Her sex life in 2 weeks is better than mine in 7 years.

Please help. :(

-Ichigopan

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 4:13am

Hi Ichigo,

I think you're being very hard on yourself. Not all women feel horny easily and automatically. Many women take time (often years) to learn about their sexuality, and some (like me) never quite get there. It's OK. You're fine the way you are. When I was your age I had NEVER felt horny except on one or two occasions during dreams.

I'm now 50 and I still don't get horny very often or easily, but this hasn't stopped me from leading a rich life, getting married, and having kids. I don't think you need to be horny in order to have sex. Even if your motivation is just to please your partner (in a spirit of loving generosity rather than compulsion), it's fine to "just do it."

The fact that you have been able to feel horny when "fooling around" suggests that you may someday experience similar feelings during actual sex. Even if you don't, you can seek out and thrive in relationships with men who have somewhat lower libidos.

Like you, I used to be very upset about my lack of sex drive. At some point I learned to accept myself and count the numerous blessings in my life. Don't sell yourself short or limit your options. You have a world of possibilities ahead of you.

HTH Freelance

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2007
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 11:21pm
Thank you for your response. I just refuse to accept this. I can't just settle myself down this way. I can't live myself alone and numb, but I can't be with someone if I have no urge to be sexually active. They will not be fulfilled in the relationship and it will only lower my self esteem because I cannot give them what they want no matter how much I want to be able to. I think part of my problem is knowing I have a problem and I can't relax, ever. I can't get arroused if I'm making out with a guy and inside my mind is going "ok get horny get horny get horny" and no matter how much I try to relax my body just doesn't react. I use to wake up horny when I was in my young teens, now nothing. Even if I try to have a sexual lucid dreams, it doesn't work. I've tried watching porn, all different kinds, it just looks gross and revolting to me. I've spent hundreds of dollars on pills that were suppose to help and nothing. I don't understand why of all people this had to have happened to me. I get guys all the time after me, I'm not ugly, and it's like God's torturing me. Some days I just don't want to wake up anymore because of this. It affects my entire being. I use to be so over-sexed when I was 13 and after 17 it died. My BIGGEST regret in life was not whoring myself around when I was 14-15. I know that sounds terrible, but I waited and waited because I thought it was the right thing to do, and I've ruined myself. I don't want to live like this anymore. I am absolutely miserable. I can't believe it's been 6 years. I can't deal with it anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 1:44pm

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They say the first step toward change is self-acceptance, and I tend to agree. If you can't accept yourself the way you are now, you'll be too angry and depressed to relax, and if you can't relax you probably won't change.

Many, many people have mental/psychological/neural inhibitors that prevent them from fully enjoying sex. You're by no means rare. And as I've stated before, you're fine the way you are. You're way "ahead" of where I am, in that you've been able to feel turned on by making out with a guy. I've never really felt turned on by making out except (mildly) in fantasy. And yet I can still be stimulated to orgasm (which pleases my DH) and enjoy different kinds of physical contact.

From what you've written it seems to me that you're making yourself far more miserable than necessary. Your biggest problem, IMO, is not lack of libido but lack of perspective. Regardless of whether, when and how you solve your libido problem, life has a lot to offer you, if you'll only look for it.

Freelance