No libido.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2009
No libido.
59
Wed, 11-25-2009 - 12:15pm

I don't want to have sex very often. My husband wants to have sex two times a week. I don't know how to convince him that no one has sex two times a week after 9 years of marriage. Why is it so important to him? He won't try to understand me and isn't very nice to me when we've gone two or three weeks without having it. I am fed up.


Thanks for listening.


Gabby


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2009
In reply to: gabbauer
Wed, 11-25-2009 - 3:07pm
Sorry to burst your bubble....After 28 years together, 25 married my wife and I average 3 times a week. He may see sex as an expression of love and bonding.....and your disinterest/rejection as a searingly personal rebuke. But if your fed up, then just try and see how he may feel. Either find a way to work it out or plan to leave.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2008
In reply to: gabbauer
Wed, 11-25-2009 - 4:35pm
Where did you get this idea that people do not have sex after 9 years of marriage? For most men refusal is more or as damaging to the relationship as if you had affairs!!! It is betrayal. Unless you are willing to get a substitute: step up to the plate!
Now have you had your hormone levels checked by a physician who specializes in these problems? A sex positive physician may pinpoint physical problems that happened so gradually that they weren't noticed.
xve
Hornycomments.com for myspace adult comments
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
In reply to: gabbauer
Wed, 11-25-2009 - 5:26pm

I don't know where you got the idea that no one has sex twice a week after 9 years of marriage.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2007
In reply to: gabbauer
Thu, 11-26-2009 - 6:23am

Gabby,


So you don't like it when your husband is nasty to you when you refuse him. He is just trying to make you feel what he feels when you reject him. Is it such a "burden" to make your husband happy? Gee, I bet since you are not into sex it might be an entire 10 minutes out of your day. Wow, what a burden on you to make the person you promised to love, FEEL LOVED.


Let me clue you in. Most men DO NOT HAVE SEX FOR THEMSELVES. We can manage that on our own. We do it to PLEASE our partner. To have an EMOTIONAL connection that only sex can bring. To feel LOVED and CHERISHED by our wife.


In my book what you are doing to him is abusive. How would you feel if he called you fat, ugly, that he didn't love you anymore. Pretty hurtful!!! That is the same thing you are doing.


I'm sure there are plenty of things he doesn't want to do with you but he does them anyway because he loves you. Just saying you don't want to is a poor excuse.


I assume your husband is a good man. No easier way to FORCE him away than what you are doing. I love my wife to death but she thought like you and it took therapy and me telling her I would leave for her to see the light. We have sex once a week. It was every 6 weeks before. I would not live like that. It made me resent her and angry which affected the entire family.


Stop thinking of just yourself. Why did you get married in the first place. Wasn't to make the person you said you would love forever happy? How about getting up today and just thinking about making HIM happy and not yourself.


Let me tell you about a therapy session we had. The therapist( female by the way) said to my wife , after she said she didn't really like sex. Do you think your husband likes getting up at 4:30 and working 12 hours a day to provide for you and your three children? Do you think he likes coming home and helping you around the house after that day? Do you think he likes having your relatives every holiday? There are a lot of things we "don't like" but have to do for the sake of our spouses. She finally said a "good man is hard to find, but easy to keep." but you are forcing this one away. Second leading cause of divorce. Wake up or you will be a single Mother raising three girls on your own. He wants to have sex to show you HE LOVES YOU. By saying "NO" you are saying plain and simple you don't love him. My wife said,"but me marrying him should prove I love him." The therapist said " No, some people only needs words or deeds to show their love and others, like your husband, need physical affection. How would you feel if he said he was quitting his job or never helping you around the house or your parents could never come for a holiday?" She sat there and said , "I would feel like he didn't love me." And with that she says,"Exactly what you do when you say NO to sex for him."


Sorry to be harsh and long winded but this hit a nerve for me. I hope you can "wake up" and see how cruel it is to constantly reject your husband


 
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
In reply to: gabbauer
Thu, 11-26-2009 - 9:12am

I absolutely freaked out when I saw your handle. My own name is Gabrielle Bauer. Is someone playing a joke on me?

Freelance

p.s. A reassuring difference is that my DH and I have been married for 12 years, not nine.




Edited 11/26/2009 9:13 am ET by freelancemomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
In reply to: gabbauer
Thu, 11-26-2009 - 10:39am
...how do you feel bonded to your husband?...what makes you feel "like his wife?"...beyond a wedding ring and children (if you have any)...if your husband stopped taking part in your important bonding activity...how would you feel?...I would like to add...I don't think that your bonding activity should be ruled more important than his bonding activity...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2009
In reply to: gabbauer
Thu, 11-26-2009 - 1:48pm

As others have said, 2 times a week after 9 years of marriage is not much, to some people. Certainly even with all the problems my wife and I have had over the years we still had sex every day for years at a time, even after 30 years of marriage. A few years ago things changed, but that's a different story.

Don't assume some x number of times per week is what you should do. Different people have different degrees of interest in sex, and no one is wrong. The only problem is if two people want to stay together but find there is a mis-match between their levels of interest which interferes with their happiness. But neither the one who wants more sex or the one who wants less sex is right or wrong. It just is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
In reply to: gabbauer
Sun, 11-29-2009 - 6:17pm

Hi Gabby,


While I have to agree with some of the other posts on here, I am also very empathetic to your situation because I'm having the same problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2008
In reply to: gabbauer
Tue, 12-08-2009 - 2:53pm
This post rings very close to home for me. Your story sounds exactly like my wife. We've been together for 6 years and married for a little under a year. We have sex maybe 2 times a month and is usually pretty mundane sex as if she's doing it only because it's been awhile and she knows it. It has put a huge strain on our relationship and I can tell you from my experience that it gets very hard to force a smile and to be loving and nice to someone who has repeatedly rejected your advances for a couple of weeks. Imagine if your husband completely ignored you, turning down spending time and having long conversations with you. After two weeks of this, do you think it would be easy for you to smile and be loving toward him? Many of the other posters in this thread nailed it on the head. By dismissing the level of importance he places on physical affection, it feels the same as having someone you love ignore you and tell you that they don't love you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
In reply to: gabbauer
Mon, 12-21-2009 - 2:57pm

I like your comparison to turning your wife down for long conversations.

That is exactly how I finally got my point across to my wife during a therapy session once. She had just told the therapist that she feels bonded to me when we have meaningful conversations and do things together.

Before she could forget what she said, I asked how she would feel if she approached me for a conversation about something important to her and I told her "I'm not in the mood right now, dont take it personally though. I love you, I'm just not in the mood to talk to you tonight".

It took a while for that to sink in with her, but the therapist almost gave me an honorary doctorate on the spot!

We did eventually start making some slow progress on the ML front after that. Since sex wasn't an important bonding method for her, it was up to me to find a way to MAKE her understand by putting things in a context she could grasp.

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