No libido...dh getting annoyed!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2008
No libido...dh getting annoyed!
19
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 12:06pm
I have been happily married for 2 years. My dh & I have never had this wonderful, crazy sex life. In the beginning it just happened more often and now it's about once a week, maybe. We were actively trying to get pregnant so I initiated more often around the times I knew I was ovulating (he doesn't know that). Now that we're pg, he thinks I just used him. Another issue is that I have actually never had an orgasm with my husband. I ffel like I have absolutely no interest in sex what so ever. My first orgasm wasn't until I was 29 when a friend gave me a vibrator as a gift and I tried it out. By that time I had been sexually active for almost 12 years, none of which I really, truly enjoyed I just thought it was a way to connect. Now, I am in love with my dh and our sex life is crap! He is getting frustrated and so am I but I dont know what to do. I haven't told that he's never gotten me to orgasm, I don't have the heart. And I wouldn't even know what to tell him to do differently. It's very difficult, I don't enjoy some part of of foreplay that he absolutley loves- and it makes me dread getting intimate. He keeps asking me what's wrong and I don't know what to say. He thinks I am not interested in him, and the truth is I am not interested in anyone sexually. Outside of the bedroom we have a great relationship...we go love to travel, hike, ride bikes, talk over coffee, go on road trips, etc.
I really need some help here. We are having a baby in Sept and I know this will make things even more complicated.
Twinkle Toes
pregnant
Twinkle Toes

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 1:15pm

You HAVE to tell him that you are not achieving orgasm. I know it is a really difficult conversation to have but it has to be done. Just tell him what you have told us...that it took you 12 years to have your first orgasm and that you simply aren't sure how your body works and most importantly...that you would like

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2007
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 1:17pm

Hi, twinkletoes:


Sorry to hear about your situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2008
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 2:07pm
You make a lot of really good points. I don't really know what my turn on's are, I know what I don't like tho. You are right, it's not his fault that I am not orgasming. I don't how to tell my husband that I have been lying about O's for the last 5-6 years. What will he think about me then? I know he'll still love me but I think he will feel very betrayed. And, there's no good time to talk about any of this. He works 12 hrs a day 5 days a week and I am usually asleep when he gets home. On his days off I don't want to get into a conversation that could cause a lot of feelings of stress, anger, etc and ruin his 2 days off. I haven't faked in over a year b/c I just stopped caring. He gets off and that seems like all he cares about. I don't how I can bring the vibrator into OUR sex. He really loves penetration and I really enjoy the stim from the vibe. I can't do oral right now b/c this preg gag reflex is really exaggerated.
Twinkle Toes
pregnant
Twinkle Toes
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2008
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 2:11pm
Thanks Guy. I will look into those books. I am really discouraged and want to be happy and keep my husband happy. I am willing to work hard to achieve that, plus I am tired of working hard at pretending I am enjoying something when I am not.
Twinkle Toes
pregnant
Twinkle Toes
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 2:24pm

Twinkle


I would say...don't have that conversation until you have done some exploring on your own. It will be alot easier, I think, if you can say...ok I was having a really hard time with orgasms, but I have figured out what works for me and I want to share what I found out with you. No, it is never easy to hear that our parnters aren't getting what they need, but most people would ultimately be glad you came clean so that you guys can get back on track. And if you let him know that you are not blaming him or expecting him to just magically know what you need, he may be more receptive.


AS for bringing the vibe in, get a small fingertip vibe. You can stimulate your clit and get the vibrations, without getting in his way (provided you aren't doing straight up missionary). You can also just use your fingers if that works for you.


There are also vibrating c-rings that he can wear on his penis. This will put the little vibrator right up against your clit.


"He gets off and that seems like all he cares about."


That is a bigger problem. You will need to talk to him gently about this and see what's up. It could be that he has already figured out that you are not getting off and so just tries to finish up. Or he may just be THAT clueless...in which case...you both need to educate yourselves on your sexuality. Can make a game of it too.


Does he ever give you oral? Do you orgasm from that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 4:40pm

I don't how to tell my husband that I have been lying about O's for the last 5-6 years. What will he think about me then?


I wonder if it would be helpful to say that you are having difficulty with orgasms NOW (now that you are pregnant), and maybe not delve into the issue that you've NEVER had an orgasm with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2005
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 4:42pm

Welcome to the board, Twink.


When I read this post I was thinking to myself "this is a job for Gefyon", and lo and behold, when I scrolled down, there was her reply. :)


He is getting frustrated and so am I but I dont know what to do. I haven't told that he's never gotten me to orgasm, I don't have the heart. And I wouldn't even know what to tell him to do differently


I thnk the best thing is to open the lines of communication in this regard. You need to ensure first that he will not feel threatened by news of this type, especially if you have been pretending to have them. If you approach the issue and ask him to work on it with you I think he would be delighted to. I am speaking from my own experience though, and I don't know what my reaction to this would have been 20 years ago as opposed to now. I DO think, however, that hiding the issue can ONLY result in a much more difficult time down the road.


As you will see on this board, there are many many reasons for LL. Perhaps your first step is to do some reading to find out if any of those apply to you. Hopefully you can then

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2008
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 5:43pm

Hi Twinkletoes:


I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I am kind of in the same situation. I am very LL and he is very HL. He is very understanding and we have tried many, many things to get me to enjoy sex more. I am sure if your DH loves you he will understand and will be more than willing to help you discover yourself. I've always heard the more you do it the more you'll enjoy it. LOL


My DH and I use a vibrator when we have sex! I love it and he loves it (well he loves it b/c I love it). He knows that it is easier for me to orgasm when we use the vibrator; we just change positions that will allow him to penetrate and I hold the vibrator. :)


I hope this helps a little.


~Toots

Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2008
Sat, 03-08-2008 - 5:33pm

Gefyon-
This is really hard! I do know that I can orgasm from my vibe, but I have never been able to manually. My husband loves oral- but I never have an orgasm. And if he does something that feels good, it's only for about 30 sec and then he's doing something else. I do give verbal cues like, "that feels good" but he still moves around all the time. I really hate my nipples played with but he LOVES it. For the past 5 years I have told him that but yet EVERY time he plays with my nipples and it's a huge turn off. Now, it's more of a turn off b/c I feel like he knows how much I hate it, yet he continues to do it. Last night he asked me if I wanted a quickie. I hate for him to feel like I don't love him and that's what he says he feels like if we don't have sex. But, it's a miserable experience for me and it couldn't be over fast enough. After, he asked me if I was still attracted to him. Well, I'm not attracted to anyone and I don't know why. I think if Brad Pitt asked me for a quickie I would pass. (Guy) mentioned that my dh probably senses I'm not enjoying it and just gets through it, and I can see that. I can't explain it and he can't understand it at all.

I wanted to tell him last night but i just don't have the heart to tell him I have been dishonest. This has been going on for a long time and I'm sure he knows it's not just since becoming pregnant. I think it's starting to effect other parts of our relationship outside of the br. It's a hard subject to discuss. Anytime we have talked about it, we end up yelling and getting defensive. And then anything we discussed, it just goes out the window, i.e. the nipple thing. I have asked him to try & avoid the nipple and maybe squeeze my breasts instead. Forget it, he does it the next time.
It makes me feel like if I do say something about what I like/don't like sexually, it won't matter anyway.

Twinkle Toes
pregnant
Twinkle Toes
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2006
Sun, 03-09-2008 - 9:24am

Hi! I am new to this board for the same reaasosn...absolutly no sex drive. I all of a sudden can't stand any part of it...kissing (and I always loved kissing), foreplay or intercourse. I laways had a high sex drive although I think it was a matter of wanting closeness more

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