No sex after only 4 months

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
No sex after only 4 months
4
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 11:34pm
I met my boyfriend last September. We're both 46. I have 20 year old son away at college, and he has an 18 year old stepdaughter.
We spend every weekend together and talk on the phone during the week. At the beginning he couldn't get enough of me. As soon as he walked in the door he'd be ravaging me. Then at the end of October (I remember it was around Hallowe'en) it suddenly stopped. He seems very devoted to me and I know he cares about me, but the sex is virtually non-existent, unless initiated by me, but it's not the sex we had before.
It's always started by me performing fellatio, then being on top. That's it if I'm lucky every 2 weeks or so.
There are several things in his life that could possibly contribute. He was laid off with a package from his employer back in May 2006 and has been trying to get his own carpentry/contracting business going and he also has a lower back injury that he sustained 10 years ago that is troubling him to the point where surgery is a possibility.
I've tried talking to him about it and he asks me to be patient, that his back is causing pain and that's the reason why, but he doesn't even kiss me or fondle me the way he used to which I can't see causing pain. Given that the relationship is barely 4 months old the suddenness of no sex is perturbing to say the least. I even asked him if he was no longer sexually attracted to me or if his feelings had changed, and he got upset, telling me he wouldn't be spending time with me if that was the case. I really like this guy, I've met most of his family and hung with out with them, especially a younger brother who he's very close with and we talk about the future, but without the sexual intimacy it feels like the relationship is rather stunted.
Am I being unreasonable? What should I do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 8:34am

Know you aren't unreasonable you want and need more physical intimacy and it doesn't sound like he is going to be able to provide it.

It is quite curious as to why it suddenly stopped. Something isn't right as he appears to be cutting out all forms of affections. With his back causing pain, do you actually see him grimacing as he walks around, moves to pick up things, etc. Those with back pain, you can see the pain in their face as they try to do everyday things or how they'll move cautiously to do things to avoid the pain. Does he act like that? Curious as whether his back is currently acting up or that is a convienant excuse to have handy.

You have a big red flag in front of you with continuing on with this relationship. I'm not saying to necessarily stop seeing him if you find a lot of good things about him but I would pursue the reason as to why things suddenly stopped like that after only four months and going from 100 miles an hour to zero. Why the panic stop? Could the younger brother provide any information about that status on his back or maybe if something happened in his life around Halloween?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 10:32am

My only advise is do not expect this to ever change. That said, decide if it is a deal breaker or not as soon as is possible and act accordingly. Best wishes.

p.s. 20 years talkin here if that makes any difference.




Edited 1/18/2007 10:40 am ET by glenn1962
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 9:42pm


Thanks to the folks who took the time to reply my post. Feedback has been much appreciated.
The verdict is still out at this point. I should add that he is leaving very shortly to go back to his homeland for a couple of months (he's from Chile, I'm writing from Canada) to visit his mother who moved back there (the rest of the very large clan are living here). there. That could contribute to making or breaking the relationship. He has expressed an interest in traveling with me to visit my family in the U.K. this summer and speaks of the other things in the future and on an intellectual level the relationship could be solid enough to continue upon his return, but I am definitely feeling starved of affection and physical intimacy which at times does affect my self esteem, but what do you do when he does things like, for example, purposely delays his departure date to Chile by 6 weeks just so he can be with me to celebrate my birthday, goes grocery shopping to buy food then painstakingly prepares delicious meals for me from scratch? And while I'm not one to "settle," I am also old enough to realize that compromise is something to be taken seriously. My previous partner was a tiger in the bedroom but oh-so challenging to be with in many other ways.
It's certainly not a black and white situation.
Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 3:36pm
Somehow I succeeded in posting a reply to myself...:) Let's try this again.
Thanks to the folks who took the time to reply my post. Feedback has been much appreciated.
The verdict is still out at this point. I should add that he is leaving very shortly to go back to his homeland for a couple of months (he's from Chile, I'm writing from Canada) to visit his mother who moved back there (the rest of the very large clan are living here). there. That could contribute to making or breaking the relationship. He has expressed an interest in traveling with me to visit my family in the U.K. this summer and speaks of the other things in the future and on an intellectual level the relationship could be solid enough to continue upon his return, but I am definitely feeling starved of affection and physical intimacy which at times does affect my self esteem, but what do you do when he does things like, for example, purposely delays his departure date to Chile by 6 weeks just so he can be with me to celebrate my birthday, goes grocery shopping to buy food then painstakingly prepares delicious meals for me from scratch? And while I'm not one to "settle," I am also old enough to realize that compromise is something to be taken seriously. My previous partner was a tiger in the bedroom but oh-so challenging to be with in many other ways.
It's certainly not a black and white situation.
Thanks again.