No sex life after his injury

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2007
No sex life after his injury
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 8:46pm

My boyfriend and I have been dating 6 months and already we both know we want to be together forever. He's an amazing guy and is wonderful to me. We've been together just a short time so our sex life shoudl still be pretty active, right?

We started out that way, but in the 2nd month of our relationship, my boyfriend tore his frenulum during sex (he's uncircumcized), which caused us not to be able to have sex for at least a month while he healed. It was tough, but he made sure I was always satisfied, and I did everything I could to make sure he was taken care of, working around his injury.

After he was healed and we were able to have sex again, we of course wanted it often. The problem now is that he doesn't last long at all, even now that it's 4 months after this injury happened. He feels terrible, and sure, it bothers me, but I'm not going to make him feel worse for it. He used to be able to last for quite a while, so it was amazing for both of us. Now though, we're lucky if it's 2 minutes.

It's to the point where he doesn't even approach me for sex anymore. When I approach him and try to initiate, he usually rejects me somehow (as nicely as he can). He asked me the other night if I think he's not attracted to me sexually anymore, and I told him sometimes I feel that way. He told me he loves me and loves sex with me, but he is disappointed in sex because of the short length of time it is now. He says he has lost all confidence in himself in that aspect, and he therefore doesn't approach me anymore.

I am to the point where I don't care how long it lasts. I feel like I need this emotionally as much as I do physically. It's to the point where I don't even feel horny anymore--I just want to be with him that way. I've told him that and he feels terrible, though I was not trying to make him feel bad.

We are now having sex maybe once a week (if that) and it's really starting to upset me. I know he feels terrible but I know he also enjoys sex with me.

Can anyone offer advice? We have talked about it, but I don't think we're getting anywhere.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 10:34pm

"He told me he loves me and loves sex with me, but he is disappointed in sex because of the short length of time it is now. He says he has lost all confidence in himself in that aspect, and he therefore doesn't approach me anymore. "

He has to rethink about sex is all about. Something performance oriented or something dealing with enjoyment and intimacy. Is the performance SO important that all enjoyment should be overlooked?

He can relearn to last longer, but it will take time. He can research techniques on the Internet as to ways to do this.

No idea his age but can he rebound in about 10 minutes after having an orgasm? If so, he has a chance to last longer the second time around. Has he experimented with different positions with you as some position don't allow a man to enter so deep so they can last longer? Woman on top is a good position. There are websites and books out there that discuss positions and the benefit you get from these different positions.

"I am to the point where I don't care how long it lasts. I feel like I need this emotionally as much as I do physically. "

That is the point he is completely missing. He's completely ignoring the emotional because of the physical. If he wants this relationship to last forever, he needs to be back to focusing on emotional needs, that is meeting your intimacy needs. Else the relationship could be headed for trouble down the road.

Would he visit a sex therapist to maybe help him get past the point that sex is more about the emotional/intimacy side in most relationships versus the porn view of male superstud.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2007
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 10:42pm

thank you for the great advice.

no matter what position we're in, it doesn't last long.

after he is finished, he has no interest to keep going (he has been like that since the beginning though--has nothing to do with his injury and what his performance is now). i wish he'd want to keep going even after he's finished, but i'd rather him want to keep going than keep going with no interest just to make me happy.

i haven't thought about asking him to research techiniques to last longer online...i'll suggest that.

i know he wants to make this better, so i wish he woudl try to relearn the emotional aspect of sex. i guess that's next on my list when we talk about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 8:34am

Couple more things. You might want to pick up a relationship book that deals with handling conflicts. They all have their techniques as to how to talk and have a discussion. He should read it also but for now, you should check one out as you're most likely dealing with male pride in this situation as part of the problem. How you talk to him may have him thinking you are critizing him.

He should read it as he is running away from the issue it sounds like. Something you should keep your eye as other types of issues pop up. How he handles issues now is how he could handle them in the future. If his way is to ignore and/or run from the conflict, then the relationship will have a hard time to keep going for the long term.

Here is something to let him know. For the typical male, the more sex they have, the longer they last. Our rebound times to the next orgasm takes longer. That is our recovery period gets longer. Also as we age, our recovery times get longer so we tend to last longer. The opposite of that is that the less we have sex, the more we tend to come quicker, like maybe in a minute. We haven't experience the sensations much because we're not having the sex, so the sensations are very strong and trigger a male's orgasm quickly. From what you describe in the current situation, he's the average male who come within 2 to 5 minutes when initiating intercourse. He's like most guys. If he refers to how guys last in porn movies, they use all kinds of trick to make it look like they all last long.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2007
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 5:30pm

One thing I've tried totalk to him about is that if we have more sex, he will eventually last longer, and if he keeps saying no to it, the problem won't get better.

We had sex last night, at my initiation, and it was great--just what I needed emotionally. It lasted a very short time, and right when he finished, he apologized. I told him not to be sorry, but he kept apologizing for the rest of the night. What really bothers me is that he keeps talking about it--"I suck in bed" and "God i can't believe I'm the guy who sucks in bed" and other comments like that. It really bothers me and I told him not to say those things b/c they upset me, and he just apologized again. I don't know how we'll get through it.

We are going through various issues in our relationship right now--which is another reason I think I need sex emotionally more than physically--and we always try to talk them out, no matter how hard the discussions may be.

Last night he told me he feels like I'm throwing myself at him and it's getting out of hand (in retrospect, I know I am doing that by certain actions I take--I just feel like if he doesn't look at me when I'm walking around naked that he doesn't want me). He said my "desperate attempts" make him not want to do anything--that he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful but b/c of the other issues we're having in our relationship other than sex he doesn't want sex as much. I thought it was just me--I didn't realize he didn't want sex b/c of the other issues we're having, though it makes sense now that I think about it.

So I've decided not to even approach him for sex anymore and that if he wants it, he can come to me. It will bother me b/c I feel like I need it to reassure myself of his feelings for me (not saying I'm trying to use sex as a cure--i'm just trying to fix one thing too many at a time I guess). I know he loves me--he really is an amazing guy and treats me so well. I just don't think it's a matter of a "low libido" anymore as much as it is insecurities in himself and his "skill" and results of the problems we've been having in our relationship on top of that.

Ok, sorry it got so long. Just after I wrote this original post last night, we ended up talking a lot about it all. Thanks for reading and I thank you SO much for the responses. They are really helping.