It may describe my DW, from the little she's told me. I'm not sure if there was physical abuse of her mother, but I'm sure she believes her older brother was physically abused. From what I know of her father its possible, certainly verbal abuse.
Gradually she has withdrawn from an intimate relationship with me, to where now if I touch her and she thinks it may lead to sex she pushes me away. About the only touch she accepts is a shoulder massage. We have only made love once in the last six years and I'm still not sure what the magical circumstances were that caused her to accept.
I will forward your post to her, but so far I have see little action on her part when I have done so in the past. I usually get hostile reactions.
Ok let me throw a curb ball at you? Can the abuse have been perceived as apposed to actual? Someone who felt they were picked on too much? Can a woman whose recollection of her adolescence includes being bullied by her brothers be effected in said way, despite a good parental relationship? If so I want to hear more.
Dr Z,Yes it does. It makes a lot of sense but how do you get past it?On a few occasion under the influence of alcohol DW was quite uninhibited. But for a couple of reason she doesn't really drink anymore. So there goes that idea.
Let me chime in with another question, my first experience with scotch and a cigar was awful. Now it's a longing. Can LL's be taught to like Chivas and Cohibas?
IF the person wants to change, they they go through
>>There is a good process for trauma, which is called EMDR-- you can Google it
I will and will see how it can be applied to this situation. Although admittedly it was nothing different than what any other teenager may have endured with 2 brothers. But your post made me think that it could be an unrecognized underlying issue.
>>If they want to change, and they have a decent therapist and the commitment, they can.
What kind of therapy is usually involved? This case is not as severe in that the LL when engaged in sexual activity does experience, excitement, plateau, orgasm & resolution, and admittedly when everything is perfect and the moons are aligned will admit to have enjoyed it.
The problem lies in the LL's lack of desire, thought and fantasy. While at the same time the HL could look at a blank piece of paper and conjure up sexual thoughts and ideas.
If she is motivated, it would be quite possible that things can change. The way you describe the situation, she has a lot that can be good in her sexual functioning.
The challenge is in getting her to agree there is a problem, and then in getting her to agree to see a therapist. I have to find a way to plant these ideas in her head as if it's her idea and not my recommendation. Then and only then will she take action. But if I suggest it, as they say on the wrestling shows “LET’s GET READY TO RUMBLE!”
Dr. Z,>>Sometimes people get more flexible about having another task on their plate when kids >>are gone.
Here in lies a fundamental problem. Sex is seen as a task by an LL!! and as a need by an HL.
Ok I think I may have over simplified things for the sake of keeping my post short. But in addition to two children my DW has CFS. Which is to the medical profession is still a dubious issue. Not withstanding that fact there has always been an ML issue it just got worse over time. I have kicked it up a couple of notches. Work from home as often as I can, help with kids as much as possible, try to cook the meals.
After reading "Sex Starved Marriage" I have taken some steps which I believe are being somewhat effective in that she is starting to show concern with regards to our sex life.
Now assuming you sprinkled the magic dust, and she regains her energy and develops a libido is it possible for a person to learn and develop new sexual interest. back to my scotch & cigar example.
The reason I ask, is based on my self and own examples. There are things today that I enjoy and long for, that when I was in my early twenties would have never considered. Not only would I have not considered them, I would have out right been disgusted.But something happened along the way. And if someone as conservative as I was, could change, than what is it that can cause that change. I sincerely don't believe that this open side was something that was always present and was suppressed / repressed.
What changed me from conservative to adventurous?Is there a desensitizing effect through erotica / pornography? (any studies on this?)
Almost two different subjects but I believe they are, can be intertwined.