Not enough sex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Not enough sex?
5
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 11:30am
Hi! I'm new here and my question seems even weird to me. I have been married for a little over a year to my first love from high school. My husband is 41 and I am 37, we have known each other for over 23 yrs. At one time he was a very passionate man who always wanted sex, now that he's older he says he's just not as interested in it anymore. We have sex about once a week when he wants it, I love being with him and the sex is amazing but I would like to have it more often. Am I wrong in feeling this way or has age affected his libido. My husband is my life and I enjoy being with him, but I would like to understand why. We've talked about it and he says its just age. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
In reply to: okiesis
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 12:38pm

"We've talked about it and he says its just age."

It's only age if you let it be age. He might have to more effort into getting himself started and maybe you can talk to him about ways to turning him. Things like sexy phone calls during the day, notes, teasing when at home, doing things together to help make you both feel more intimate, etc.

"We have sex about once a week when he wants it."

This is something that he has to change. It has to be about both of you. Sex just can't be about him. If he loves you, then he might have to make love to you when he might not have the desire. Since you seem to have the higher drive, it means he will be the one having to push himself more for the effort. He has to think how he feels once things get started. If he gets revved up and enjoys it once things get started, what he needs to work on is his mental attitude to help get him started. That is, give himself a mental push to get started by reminding himself how pleasureable the act is once it gets rolling.

Also, other things to look at are his health, stress and activity levels. He might want to have his testosterone levels checked to make sure that is okay, maybe a overall physical if he has never had one. If he is stressed that can helps kill libido so he could work on ways to do that. Activity levels are important because you need to have energy, sexual energy to help get going. Does he exercise? Move around a lot to help keep energy flowing. Or is generally a couch potato? Make taking fast walks together to both chat and build up energy can help. Beside provide energy, exercise is a good way to deal with stress. Also, remind him that current research finds that sex provide health benefits for both partners, both mentally and physically. You can have fun, pleasure and health benefits all by getting together to make love. :-)

Another thought is do you need to spice up your love making sessions? Has it gotten too routine? Twenty threes is a long time (will be 23 years here too) so couples should try to find ways to spice things up to help keep the interest.

Avatar for cl_elyse449
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
In reply to: okiesis
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 4:55pm

Hi okiesis,


Welcome! Glad to have you with us. I will say that I do agree w/ tryinghard. He has made a lot of excellent points.


You said; "I have been married for a little over a year to my first love from high school. My husband is 41 and I am 37, we have known each other for over 23 yrs."

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2007
In reply to: okiesis
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 1:50pm
I feel your pain...I am in a similar situation....except we are both only 25. It is not an age thing. Well I can't say for sure, maybe it is true that people lose interest as they get older. I try doing all kinds of different things to get him interest, anything and everything!! It doesn't work, we only do it when he is interested. I have learned that if I truly love and want to be with him, I will just have to take matters into my own hands a few times a week. Maybe you will just have to accept him and do the same....I don't know. Sex is hard to try to give advice about because I feel I can't even handle my own relationship, let alone tell someone else what to do
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
In reply to: okiesis
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 3:38pm

"It doesn't work, we only do it when he is interested. I have learned that if I truly love and want to be with him, I will just have to take matters into my own hands a few times a week."

Well if this is the way your relationship works and you just accept that, it will probably always be one sided. Basically you're accepting life with a selfish person who has no thoughts toward your emotional needs. You'll eventually find that you will resent your relationship with this approach if you think showing love on your end only will take care of the issue. He has to show love on his end and start taking care of your needs too. It might not be 100% of what you might want but he has to show he is working to meet your needs. Basically you 'both' have to work on maintainly sexually relations, not just one of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2005
In reply to: okiesis
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 6:32am

How is his overall health (bmi, stress, etc.)? If his health is not optimal...it can have negative affects on his libido. The average healthy 41 year old man with low stress wants sex more than once a week...unless there are realtionship issues??? Let him know what you want and that you're willing to work with him to increase his libido. Sometimes an adjustment to diet or the addition of herbal formulas can do the trick...

good luck,
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