Not interested in sex...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2006
Not interested in sex...
23
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 10:27am

Hello im 21 and ive been seeing someone for about 6 motnhs now and weve fooled around a bit but havent had sex yet, im just not that interested in it. I always find it hard to get excited about things, my boyfriends always asking me whether im aroused and i just dont feel like i am. Im not using any sort of contraceptive pill, never needed it before now. Im still a virgin, as never had a serious relationship before. Ive considered going on the pill to be extra safe if i ever do decide to have sex but as im not interested in it, i never have. Its starting to upset me because i love my boyfriend and hes being very patient and understanding, he'd never rush me into anything. Its just i feel like its never going to happen, i never feel the urge to let him make love to me. I dont understand it, even when hes touching me i dont feel much. I am attracted to him, i just dont know why i dont get aroused. I havent spoken to him about it, i dont want to upset him or make him feel that i dont want him or find him desirable.

I dont know what to do, ive tried to get into it and really concentrate when were kissing but i get nothing.

Help! :(

jazzy.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 10:58am
Jazzy, do yourself and your current bf a favor and get out and move on. Find a guy who is as interested as you are in sex. Read all the posts here if you need help getting motivated. You have no way of knowing it now but trust me when I say he will learn to hate you for this mismatch so just do the right thing and move on. Best wishes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2006
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 11:16am

Hi, thank you for your message and advice. Is that the only way then? To leave him? I dont want to, i love him too much and i know he loves me with all his heart. He says sex doesnt matter to him but i know he wants to and wants me to enjoy it, from kissing to actually making love and i dont know whether i ever will.

Thanks again for your reply.

jazzy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 11:46am

Have you learn to explore your own sexuality? Try things like masturbation, reading erotic material, etc to see what might turn you on.

You say you try to concentrate but do you have reservations about having sex in the first place? What have you been taught about sex from your parents, church, friends, outsiders, etc?

"He says sex doesnt matter to him but i know he wants to and wants me to enjoy it, from kissing to actually making love and i dont know whether i ever will.
"

If that is the case, then probably in the long run, the relationship will fail because while he says he isn't interested in sex, to show his love to you; you do see that he actually wants it. If you can't discover your sexuality and become interested in sex, you will probably need to find someone who 'truly' feels like you do, that is has no interest in sex.

Go to the bookstore in the self help sections to see what you can find. Never hurts to learn more about oneself and helpfully will help you discover more about your feelings.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 11:52am

>>>>> I don't want to, I love him too much <<<<<

Let's see if I understand you. You love him. He desperately wants an active sex life. You are not comfortable with that. But you want him to stay with you knowing that at this point you can not, and you may never be able to, share a fulfilling sex life with him. You love him, but you want him to endure being frustrated and rejected? You love him, but you want him to remain in a relationship in which a crucial human need will not be satisfied? You love him, but you want him to continue to be tortured on a daily basis?

If you love him, let him go. Or at least sign up for intensive (as in daily) psychotherapy so you can figure out why you don't enjoy sex. What, you don't want to spend that much time and money solving this problem? I thought you loved this guy? Aren't you willing to move heaven and earth to make sure that his vital needs are fulfilled?

Or agree that he can get sex on the side with someone else. I mean, if sex were a big deal then you wouldn't want someone you loved to go without it. So you must think sex is not such a big deal. Then it must be OK if he gets it elsewhere. No? You think sex is a big deal, and he should be monogamous and faithful to you, even though you are not prepared to satisfy his need? But I thought you love this guy?

Sorry for being so sarcastic, but this is what 14 years of living with the clash has done to me. Do you want to do this to your boyfriend?

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 12:13pm

You have many options here. I was just giving you a forewarning to consider. Please remember the nature of infatuation is to make concessions that we would not normally make once the infatuation level drops to where it will eventually stabilize. He says what he says now because his brain is "drugged" with endorphins.

Interesting fact... romantic, mutually enthusiastic sexual retains is one of the best ways to keep those wonderful chemicals and feelings going in the long run (any irony here?)

I'm sure when that and the related chemicals have faded you will find yourself in a different situation. Again, best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 12:25pm
SNAP!... my newest spokesperson/hero lmao
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2006
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 12:28pm

Thanks for all your replies, i have thought of ending it because as someone said if i decided i didnt want to pursue a sexual relationship then it wouldnt be fair of me at all to expect him to just live without sex. Im going to have to think long and hard about it, its just so upsetting. I love him, i just want to do whats right.

Thanks again for all your advice.

jazzy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 12:30pm

<>

I normally agree with everything you say, Hold, but I don't agree with this reasoning. Even if sex isn't a big deal to us LLs, we know it IS a big deal to our HL partners, so we realize that if they get sex elsewhere they may develop such strong feelings for the sex (or for the person) that they emotionally or physically leave our relationship.

I'm not saying that it's OK for LLs to withhold sex and insist their partners say faithful. I'm just countering the reasoning in your statement.

F.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 12:49pm

Jazzy, you are most welcome. I guess we who suffer in this have become crusaders of the cause and find it all to easy to project onto someone like you all our sucky emotions. I hope we did not overwhelm you. Take care :)

Glenn

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2006
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 12:52pm

Hi Glenn, you did not overwhelm me. I just needed to vent how i felt really, i havent told anyone how i feel and i guess this seemed the best place.

Thanks and you take care too.

jazzy.

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