Not Married, Young, and ML

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2007
Not Married, Young, and ML
22
Thu, 12-17-2009 - 1:30am

I saw one post about being young and having mismatched libidos but I am interested in more conversation about it. I read many posts that discuss having a ML within a marriage. I also found many posts that pointed out that a ML before marriage should be a red flag to get out. (Although possibly true, not very encouraging.)


My boyfriend and I argue about sex often. I often tell myself that sex is a silly thing to argue about, why not just enjoy it? After all, it feels good, doesn't it?


My boyfriend definitely has a higher libido than I.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2007
Thu, 12-17-2009 - 2:02am

Hi Silverstar:


You mentioned that YOU are the one that needs to make changes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Thu, 12-17-2009 - 5:43am
...let me start by saying that I am NOT one of the posters on this board that believes ML is a deep, dark issue that has many underlying issues...it might...but, in my opinion...as a rule...it doesn't...it could be that you simply aren't attracted to a partner once the new relationship energy has worn off or maybe...you just aren't attracted to this partner, or...you simply don't have as large of a need for sex...that won't be a problem with a partner who is more closely matched in the libido department when the new relationship energy has worn off...there's only one way to find that out though and you and your partner are at the point of finding out...you don't HAVE to change...you really don't have a problem...your relationship has a problem...you are involved with a person who finds sex to be a bonding, emotionally charged event (I gather from your post)...and, you don't...BOTH of you need to decide what kind of compromise you can come to so that neither of you feel that you are being stretched out of your comfort zones...if a compromise isn't possible...if neither of you can feel comfortable with having less and/or more sex than you'd like...it's probably time to move on and keep trying to find the partner that you more closely match in libido...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Thu, 12-17-2009 - 12:25pm

Greetings from a fellow LL.

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I used to be embarrassed about admitting such things, but no longer. We LLs can play an important role dispelling misinformation about sex (especially the notion that natural libido is fairly uniform across the species).

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I agree that society makes us LLs feel that we're the ones who need to make changes. The truth is, we don't. We do need to compromise if we WANT to stay with HL partners for whom sex is very important. And there's no law that says we have to want that.

F.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2007
Fri, 12-18-2009 - 1:34am

I really appreciate the thought that you put in my head about not making changes will affect THIS relationship, but most importantly it will not end any relationships in the future. That is so huge for me right now as my boyfriend and I continue to argue.


I guess I did have a high sex drive at the beginning. He is also the second guy I have slept with. I attribute the high sex drive to a) being new to

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2007
Fri, 12-18-2009 - 1:40am

z,


My boyfriend makes sex such a deep dark issue. From what I am beginning to understand, he feels slightly connected to me from having a good time, but MOST of that emotional connection comes from physical touch and sex. Which makes it a deep issue, when I do not feel the emotional connection the same as he does.


I'm definitely attracted to him, you are correct that I don't have as large of a need for sex.


Speaking of compromise, he believes there should be no compromise. In his eyes, he's a giver in bed, he enjoys sex, he wants sex, and he's young so he should be having it often. He does not see why there should be a compromise. (again, see the underlying issues part, here?)


I like the term you used comfort zones, good choice of words.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2007
Fri, 12-18-2009 - 1:44am

freelance,


greetings. tell me more about this misinformation about sex!


yes, but compromise does require change. but not a lot, but some.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2009
Fri, 12-18-2009 - 2:16am

Freelancemomma's post is good.

Mine is harsh advice, but I think it needs to be said. I suggest you would save yourself and your boyfriend a lifetime of pain and suffering if you end your relationship now, and each seek out others who are more sexually compatible. It is highly likely, in my opinion, your arguments over sex will only get worse, and be a corrosive element in your relationship forever.

I am HL, and I believe LL cannot really satisfy the needs of an HL, even though they may lovingly try. Sure, some ML relationships stumble on, but it's very hard. I've explained to my wife "countless times" that I need sex to feel close to her. But that can never raise her libido. All the explaining of your own point of view and compromise you can ask of your boyfriend can't lower his interest in sex.

There is no right or wrong, there is only difference. The problem is the difference can destroy a relationship as surely as any other difference might. We, as a sexually repressed society, just refuse to acknowledge how important sexual issues really are.

I do wish you luck.




Edited 12/18/2009 2:39 am ET by peterthewolf
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2007
Fri, 12-18-2009 - 12:00pm

Glad I was able to help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2007
Sat, 12-19-2009 - 5:47am

I could not agree more with this post. In the words of another poster on this board," Say thank you for the experience and move on." this relationship is destine for only one thing and that is a life time of pain. Take it from one who knows. If it wasn't for my three children I would have left a long time ago. My wife and I have spent countless hours in couples therapy and thousands of $. Do you want to do that? We have finally reached a compromise but that is all it is. Things are now atleast tolerable.


We all have our own perception of reality. That is almost impossible to change. You may "understand" the other persons view but to make it your own? Not really going to happen!


I could go on but I have to go because I'm on-call. Your young. Go find someone more like yourself. For a LL woman that is not going to be easy. I believe there are a lot of LL men BUT to admit it would be like saying"I'm Gay". Not alot of young men are going to be up front about NOT liking sex. You usually find out after the fact. Much like I did with my wife, who "pretended to like it" just to make me happy and to get me down the aisle. Now I think "great sex" is once a week, no oral for me EVER, she stopped me giving to her awhile back( said it's gross) and missionary. OH BOY :(.


Leave unless you and he want to suffer and argue for the rest of your lives OR spend $$$$$ on therapy.


Good Luck


Ciao IB

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Sat, 12-19-2009 - 6:54am
...IB, I feel like you've cast "compromise" in a negative light...the truth is...being in a long term, committed relationship will always require compromise...we may find someone more closely matched in a lot of ways...but, perfection or a situation where compromise is not required is not likely...I think that a red flag sighting would be a clue to get help or get out...if someone isn't willing to compromise on a match issue (not a core value issue) then that is a sign of being immature and selfish...and, why would anyone want to be married to a selfish and immature partner...

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