not much sex in 14 year marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
not much sex in 14 year marriage
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 5:28pm
My husband and I have been married for 14 years, together 15. I am 38 and he is 40 We have 3 children 9,7,4. We have really never have had what I would call an active sex life due to my husbands lack of sex drive, inability to maintain an erection, stress etc.. you name it. When we met I had just gotten out of a highly sexual relationship and it was very refreshing to be with someone who wanted to be with me for something other than sex. I was the first to intiate sex and from thereafter. I tried sexy lingere, books, movies everything and nothing has helped. We have been in and out of therapy for years. He always seems sincere on working on this issue but it just never happens. We have not had any sex scince the birth of my 3rd child. Every few months I try to talk about it but again nothing ever comes from it. I have asked him if he was gay and he says no. We get along very well, have alot in common and enjoy each others company.
What do I do? I have always had a very strong sex drive and never imagined that this would be my life. While I love him I do not want another 14 years to go by with no sex. Do you break up a family because of this? (I have never cheated and he says he has never either). I sometimes feel as though our marriage is a lie. My friends tell stories about there sex life and I just laugh and pretend that my life is like that too.
Does anyone out there have asimilar experience and/or any advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2006
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 8:21pm

I just got divorced. My ex & I are same ages as you. Our kids are 9 & 7 too. We had the same problem. Divorce has been good for me. Is your husband affectionate other than sex? If no - you need to get out. I left because of my kids - They don't need to see that sort of behavior as a model. I found out (at the end) I had been replaced by internet porn. I am not saying that is the case in your situation - but it wouldn't hurt to check.
I never asked my ex if he was gay - how did your hubby take it? all of my friends (and some of his friends) think my ex is "in the closet". I always wanted to ask, but thought he would never forgive me. We have kids together, so I didn't want to go there.

I think it would be a relief if he was gay. Sorry to be intrusive, but I am dying to know how he reacted to that. Most men would deny, deny ,deny.. but I don't think he put his money where his mouth is (4 years?)! You poor thing :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2006
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 2:00am

Hi Zaldot,

Same situation, me married to a LL wife. Married 25 years this year, 3 children, oldest is 14. Basically a LL situation for about 20 years, becoming almost sexless for the last few. We generally get along well and tend to agree on most things. After literally a few years of soul searching, I decided to stay. I just didn't want to break up my family. Another poster here did choose to leave and it's been very good for her.

All I can say is that this is an intensely personal decision, and even if everyone here said "Stay" or everyone said "leave", you still have a really tough PERSONAL choice to make. There's no easy way to make it, unfortunately.

Good luck.

Edited 1/18/2007 1:23 am ET by prayforendoftime
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2007
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 1:11pm
Compleatly understand!
After 19 1/2 years my husband tells me that he has no sexual desire, able to have an erection and maintain it, but just doesn't want to have sex. Enjoys it when we do, last time was New Years day, before that was 3 or more months. Says he loves me and shows me in other ways. Not interested sexually in other women (or men). Also told me that when he was younger he knew that sexual desire was expected, and he "faked" being interested in sex. He says he's afraid of hurting me, and knows all he needs to do is to learn how not to much trouble. What do I do. I didn't think I would be living in a sexless marriage. Listen to women who wish their husband would leave them alone and almost wish I had that problem. No kids, not high,long-term, stress jobs. Now What?
I also have a strong sex drive, I'm 41 he's 43.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 9:40am
I can help you. This happened to me. If he's willing get him tested for low testosterone. This little hormone is what causes male and females to want sex or not want sex. This happened to me (I'm Male). I went to the doc and he prescribed gel (he can get shots) after a few days I was normal. This is real important. Physical health has everything to do with desire. DON'T GIVE UP