Not Sure if Libido is Really Low

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2009
Not Sure if Libido is Really Low
10
Thu, 06-10-2010 - 10:51pm

My question is:

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Fri, 06-11-2010 - 9:24am

Heathecliffe,

Libidos come in so many different variants, you may have a certain type of LL, or you may just have very specific sexual needs. For instance, I am HL when not in a relationship, or in a new relationship, because of the brain chemicals released with a new person (this chemical is called PEA, and the phenomenon I refer to is also called "new relationship energy or NRE.) When with someone over the long term, I wind up being LL, which commences as soon as the PEA subsides (this can take up to 2-3 years, depending on the relationship.)

I also prefer sex without strings/bonds/emotional attachments. I like it simple, passionate and without complications. I've learned this over time, with lots of introspection and reading about others experiences. I know there is nothing wrong with me, I just like what I like.

You probably just like what you like, be it a certain type of man, or a certain type of sex, or whatever. The important thing is to be aware of your particular type of libido and be honest with yourself about it and work withIN it, instead of hoping to change it.

>>It may seem like a dumb question, but coming from someone who has had close to no love life for the past 3 years, and has a lifetime of failed relationships behind her, I am willing to admit I am clueless!<<

They aren't dumb questions, and don't look at it as a lifetime of failures, but as a lot of chances to learn about yourself and what you like and need in a relationship. Look at what worked and what didn't, figure out your patterns, embrace them and try to find someone who will love you and your patterns.

Hope this helps, and maybe some others will chime in with their hints about how to move forward for you.

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2002
Fri, 06-11-2010 - 9:29am

>>I also prefer sex without strings/bonds/emotional attachments. I like it simple, passionate and without complications.

What are you doing tomorrow night?
Couldn't resist...

Dirty

Where there's marriage without love, there will be love without marriage. Benjamin Franklin
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Fri, 06-11-2010 - 9:34am

I think you are normal. Some things turn you on and others don't. I think too many women do settle for men that may be "good" men but who don't do anything for them sexually. That's why we have such an epidemic of ML.

The best sexual relationships I have had have been with women who pursued me and the worst with women whom I pursued. I don't think that's any coincidence. Apparently, I did something for the former and not as much for the latter. The latter simply went with it, as many women do, because there were no better options available to them at the time. Then emotions get involved, and it gets messy after that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Fri, 06-11-2010 - 9:45am
...libido is in the mind...the HL of libido can change in a relationship with someone that one loses attraction to...and, there are quite a few people that lose attraction for a spouse/partner after a period of time...for any number of reasons...I've not found a lot people with HL married to LLs who have had a shift in libido that will admit that perhaps they are not in great shape...maybe they pick their teeth unconsciously or scratch their privates only to grab the fridge handle without washing their hands...I suffered a libido loss in my first marriage after the newness of the situation wore off...he wasn't gross...I just wasn't attracted to him beyond the dating/romance phase...in my marriage now, I am stil the LL though I enjoy sex 3-4 times a week, my husband likes to enjoy sex at least once a day...that's what we've compromised on...once a day...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Fri, 06-11-2010 - 9:45am

Ah, sorry DMAM, I am preparing for a trip to my grandmother's funeral this weekend. No time or inclination for sex. Besides, I believe we have a proximity issue...and then there's that small problem with my DH...he's so selfish when it comes to that, totally unwilling to share, so spoiled...

LOL, thanks for thinking it though.

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2002
Fri, 06-11-2010 - 9:57am

First of all, sorry for your loss. Won't get to spiritual but eest assured she is in a better place.

>Besides, I believe we have a proximity issue...and then there's that small problem with my DH...he's so selfish when it comes to that, totally unwilling to share, so spoiled...

Dam I even get rejected by women who get turned on by no strings sex. LOL

Dirty

Where there's marriage without love, there will be love without marriage. Benjamin Franklin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Fri, 06-11-2010 - 10:00am

>>First of all, sorry for your loss. Won't get to spiritual but eest assured she is in a better place.<<

Thanks. She was a great woman, and quite the role model for me, but she's been going for quite a while, so it is a release now.

>>Dam I even get rejected by women who get turned on by no strings sex. LOL <<

Don't feel bad about this, just because I get turned on by it doesn't mean I get to HAVE it.....

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Fri, 06-11-2010 - 10:06am

It's combination of lots of things but physical chemistry between two people is very

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 06-13-2010 - 12:45pm

You have hit on one of the most important human features. There is a difference between the lust for someone or activity and libido. Were you with the "wrong" guys sexually yes. There is the part where one can love but have next to no sexual feeling for the other.

>>" Now I honestly believe that I was just with the wrong guys all those years - sort of 'taking what I could get' because I couldn't get the ones I really wanted and I didn't see any other options available to me." <<<

Yes you are right! But here is your mistake!

>>>"I feel that if I could get the right men to notice me, ask me out, and stick around for a while I might actually have a successful sex life."<<<
To have the life you crave you must take action!! You must learn the assertive approach.

I suggest three books:
Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships (9th Edition) by Robert E. Alberti (Author), Michael L. Emmons (Author)

Thick Black Theory: Forbidden Strategies For Victory byMr. Zhao An Xin

Thick Face, Black Heart: The Warrior Philosophy for Conquering the Challenges of Business and Life byChin-Ning Chu

These teach time proven methods for achievement. They are serious books and have a lot to offer.

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dRiving for the rights of the individual since 1969
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2009
Sun, 06-13-2010 - 3:38pm

Thank you all for your feedback.