Not sure, but need help!

Avatar for cirrus1993
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Not sure, but need help!
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 12:50pm

I dont know if I am LL or what the guidelines are for that, but I am fustrated in my relationship with a definite HL.

We have been together 3 years next month. The first year we had sex every day, since then at least 5 times a week. We are both 34, I have a 10 yr old and demandingly active 3 yr old, (not his kids), and he works nights 5 nights a week leaving at 9:30, I work days, and I have been seriously sleep deprived alot.

If I followed my natural desires, I would never go 3 days without sex in a relationship, and sometimes want it twice in one day. But for him, it has to be every day and he has to know its going to be every day, and he bugs me about it ALL day. I dont see what he has to worry about because my first marriage was with a LL (sex was 3 times a month), and I think 5 times a week is pretty good. Am I wrong? Is there something I dont understand about HL? We have had so many major fights about this, and I am getting tired of feeling the pressure every day. I have a ob/gyn appt monday and refrained from sex for two days before so I dont mess up the pap smear, because I ended up having a biopsy once, and I dont want to do that again. Well, he knew this in advance, still treated me like a peice of meat all day, even trying to get me drunk so I would give in and then got mad at me at the end of the night when he had to masturbate. (He cant have an orgasm through anything I do to him except intercourse) So I left the room and let him do his thing, cause he cant do it with me there, and then he treats me like crap. I am tired of feeling like the bad guy who doesnt please, when I have bent over backwards to please him many a time. I just really dont know how to deal with it anymore, and sometimes I think he needs someone who can make him happier, but he says I make him very happy. I dont get it. HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2007
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 4:13pm

If your partner is an “Entitled libido type”, it is difficult not to interpret this as your partner not caring about you and your needs. If you can get into this mind-set, however, your partner probably has a strong conviction that what he wants is entirely reasonable, like expecting to be fed regularly, so from his perspective being upset or annoyed that you won’t or can’t provide what he wants is justified. While some partners of an Entitled libido type find it easier and acceptable to go along with his expectations of a sexual relationship because it keeps the peace, if you are not happy with this option, you need to tackle the issue in a direct and confident way. Some Entitled lovers are genuinely surprised to have their sexual ideas challenged because they believe that everyone else is having the type of sex life they feel entitled to, so a bit of research to show that isn’t how the rest of the world are living (for example, only a small percent of couples have sex on a daily basis) may be enough to get your Entitled lover to be more flexible. If your Entitled lover takes the view that it doesn’t matter what anyone else is doing, with an “I’m entitled to what I want attitude”, you have to be just as strong in presenting the sex life you want and feel entitled to. You then have to emphasize the importance of a win-win solution, because if one feels like he or she is always giving in to the other, sex will remain a battleground and eventually both of you will lose.

If your partner is a “Dependent libido type”, you will recognize the agitation and distress that follows any refusal by you to have sex, even though you may have sex regularly. This distress can be accompanied by pleading and claims that you don’t care at all about your partner. This often leads to your interpretation that your Dependent lover cares more about sex than you, but this usually isn’t the case. Your partners love for you and his dependence on sex are usually separate issues that have become entangled. You may also come to question your own sexuality because you don’t seem to be able to satisfy your partner, and this may alternate with anger that your needs are being ignored. You also may feel that your partner is the one in control of your sex life because you can’t get your point of view heard. You need to emphasize to your Dependent lover all of the reasons you value him and your relationship., but you need to explain your limits in terms of having sex for your partner without consideration being shown for your sexuality. If your partner challenges your love, you will need to assertively state, and repeat, that you feel hurt by that because you feel this discounts all the many ways that you demonstrate love.

Avatar for cl_elyse449
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 1:44pm

Hi Cirrus,

Have you attempted to communicate w/ your dh on this issue? If so, what has he said? It sounds like no matter how much you give, he still wants MORE and the truth's important that we all give ANd take, not just one or the other.

You said; "But for him, it has to be every day and he has to know its going to be every day, and he bugs me about it ALL day."

Wow-that truly sounds a bit selfish. He's only considering HIS needs, HIS wants, HIS desires. He isn't considering what you're comfortable with and that's a shame because what I've seen that lead to is even LESS libido in some folks because they figure, "why try, I can't make him/her happy..."

You said; "and I think 5 times a week is pretty good. Am I wrong? Is there something I dont understand about HL?"

5 times a week IS good-in fact, some may even say it's a bit excessive considering you two have been together 3 yrs already. No-I don't feel your wrong. On the other hand, if he has some unsatiable desire levels than to HIM it may not seem like enough. Also, what's "normal" for one couple may not be normal for another, so it's tough to say anything like, "most people have sex this many times per week."

Also, how he treated you prior to your OB/GYN appt was exceedingly selfish. He'd rather you go through the horror of another biopsy just so he can get sex? Honestly, it sounds like he has some things he needs to work out. He's having a difficult time grasping the ability to feel empathetic towards others-mainly you.

My personal opinion is that you two need to have a heart to heart talk about this. He needs to ease up a bit and try to understand that you're giving all you can. He's actually lucky because in my case w/ my LL spouse I'm lucky if I get sex once a month, let alone any darn 5 times per week. He's taking you for granted. On the flip side, if he's constantly wanting/thinking about sex he may need to consider that this needs to be evaluated by a professional. Do you know if he views porn on a regular basis? What are his other habits, that you're aware of?