Once LL and now it's worse
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|Mon, 02-12-2007 - 5:16pm|
Hi, I'm new here and need advice. I've been married for six years. I have never had a sex drive at all, but I also recognize that sex is a reasonable expectation in marriage, so I rarely flat-out refuse. However, I don't get into it really and that seems to be a problem. There have been a couple of times when we've discussed it and I've told him that I just don't really have a need for sex, that it doesn't meet my needs emotionally and that touch isn't really important to me. (I also find it sticky and smelly, but I didn't say that.) I explained that it isn't him, but I just don't consider sex important; it doesn't do anything for me. His response has always been to try harder, which is exactly the opposite response from what I really want. Spending twice as much time on foreplay when I just told him that it doesn't interest me does not help, and it doesn't encourage me to want to discuss it further! So I don't really know how to talk to him. I figure that he wants to satisfy me, but I also know he wants to do it on his terms, i.e. satisfying me by letting me off the hook doesn't count. So I've been "just lying there" for a while now, which has been a good enough compromise for me, though I know it doesn't work for him. I know he'd prefer a more responsive partner, but I just don't know what to do. I can't force myself to enjoy something, and I don't believe in faking it, nor would I know how.
The problem is that it has gotten worse for me. In the past couple of weeks, I have become very sensitive to touch. I've never really liked being touched, but now it's almost unbearable. I don't really know how to describe it except to say that whenever he tries to initiate sex, it's like nails on a chalkboard. The sex itself is fine, and I really just want to tell him to get the foreplay over with, but I don't want to hurt his feelings. It's really not that he's doing anything wrong, just that he's touching me at all. It's excrutiating, almost like being tickled. Even rubbing my arm is like having bugs crawling on it! I want to pull away, but I don't want to offend him.
Anybody else experience this where touching is intolerable for you? What do you do about it? I don't really know how to talk to him about it without him taking it as criticism of his technique, and I really don't think it's him anyway. I think I'm just super-sensitive to touch all of a sudden. Even before I started having this problem, the technique wasn't really the issue. It was more about me just not caring about the process. I've had people tell me he must be doing it wrong, and I know for certain that his technique is not the issue, so don't tell me that's it. I know it's all me. It's just a matter of how I deal with it. I don't think I can handle being married for the rest of my life if I have to endure torture every time he wants sex, but I don't know how to fix it! (Other than getting drunk, which numbs me enough to make it okay, but I'm trying to quit drinking, so I need another option!!!)