Once LL and now it's worse

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2006
Once LL and now it's worse
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 5:16pm

Hi, I'm new here and need advice. I've been married for six years. I have never had a sex drive at all, but I also recognize that sex is a reasonable expectation in marriage, so I rarely flat-out refuse. However, I don't get into it really and that seems to be a problem. There have been a couple of times when we've discussed it and I've told him that I just don't really have a need for sex, that it doesn't meet my needs emotionally and that touch isn't really important to me. (I also find it sticky and smelly, but I didn't say that.) I explained that it isn't him, but I just don't consider sex important; it doesn't do anything for me. His response has always been to try harder, which is exactly the opposite response from what I really want. Spending twice as much time on foreplay when I just told him that it doesn't interest me does not help, and it doesn't encourage me to want to discuss it further! So I don't really know how to talk to him. I figure that he wants to satisfy me, but I also know he wants to do it on his terms, i.e. satisfying me by letting me off the hook doesn't count. So I've been "just lying there" for a while now, which has been a good enough compromise for me, though I know it doesn't work for him. I know he'd prefer a more responsive partner, but I just don't know what to do. I can't force myself to enjoy something, and I don't believe in faking it, nor would I know how.

The problem is that it has gotten worse for me. In the past couple of weeks, I have become very sensitive to touch. I've never really liked being touched, but now it's almost unbearable. I don't really know how to describe it except to say that whenever he tries to initiate sex, it's like nails on a chalkboard. The sex itself is fine, and I really just want to tell him to get the foreplay over with, but I don't want to hurt his feelings. It's really not that he's doing anything wrong, just that he's touching me at all. It's excrutiating, almost like being tickled. Even rubbing my arm is like having bugs crawling on it! I want to pull away, but I don't want to offend him.

Anybody else experience this where touching is intolerable for you? What do you do about it? I don't really know how to talk to him about it without him taking it as criticism of his technique, and I really don't think it's him anyway. I think I'm just super-sensitive to touch all of a sudden. Even before I started having this problem, the technique wasn't really the issue. It was more about me just not caring about the process. I've had people tell me he must be doing it wrong, and I know for certain that his technique is not the issue, so don't tell me that's it. I know it's all me. It's just a matter of how I deal with it. I don't think I can handle being married for the rest of my life if I have to endure torture every time he wants sex, but I don't know how to fix it! (Other than getting drunk, which numbs me enough to make it okay, but I'm trying to quit drinking, so I need another option!!!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 11:58pm

Hi there,

I can relate to part of your post as I'm a "constitutional LL" (i.e., I've always been this way), but on the other hand I love to be touched. Massages are my idea of heaven.

If you are truly averse to touch, you may want to reconsider your marriage if your DH has more "average" (notice I didn't say "normal") needs for sex and touch. If you're interested in finding a life partner, you might have some luck on asexual websites such as AVEN. In any event, I suggest you peruse the message boards on that site, as many posters share your aversion to touch and you might feel more understood there.

I'm curious: Have you ever had an orgasm? Do you ever orgasm during sexual activity with your husband, whether by intercourse or by his/your hand? (My own problem is not with orgasms, which I can have fairly easily, but with arousal; I don't get turned on very easily and when I do it's fleeting and mild.)


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2002
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 11:57am

It sounds like at least you recognize there is a problem. There in lies half the battle.
Now comes the next part. Life is all about decisions. You must decide what you want and what is most important. If you chose that you want to stand your ground an not be touched then you will need to consider several other options. Will you allow DH a mistress or will you allow DH out of the relationship. He will then make his decisions based on his alternatives.

On the other hand you could chose an alternate route. That is to find out what is the cause of this touch dislike and how can it be corrected. I believe there are a few therapies out there that can help you with this. Most focus on first getting to know yourself and learning to touch yourself in ways that may be pleasurable. Once you learn to enjoy your own touch and learn your own likes you can then move on to sharing that. I believe it's called sensation therapy.(DR.Z keep me honest here.)

From your note I can't tell if you ever get aroused and climax. If you do then you may want to find ways to arouse yourself during the course of the day(s) so that you build up a desire / need. This could include erotica , pornography or just imagery. In any case the focus should be on learning to enjoy the sensations.

You mentioned alcohol. Ask everyone you ever met that drinks scotch or smokes. Did they like the first experience. Probably not. But IMHO this could be the same. It could be a matter of teaching yourself to enjoy. Speaking out of my own experiences there are sexual things that at one point I never would have considered and now I look forward to.

I'm not a Dr. I don't play one on TV either. But I do believe it is all a matter of what you want and how you look at things.

To quote Dyer "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change"

Dirty Middle Aged Man

Where there's marriage without love, there will be love without marriage. Benjamin Franklin
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 12:32pm
I am having similar problems as I don't have a libido at all, and when I do, its when my boyfriend is not around. My boyfriend is constantly mulling me and groping me that it has gotten to the point where I just don't want him to touch me. He is always wanting sex and I feel like anytime he shows me any affection, its because he wants to have sex. I can't even french kiss my boyfriend without him wanting sex. Its not a challenge for me anymore and I feel like I never get the chance to get horny and want it because he is all over me first. I feel like we have been fighting about this for years and its a constant battle between the two of us. Its gotten to the point where I never want it at all, and when he touches me, I think its only because he wants to have sex which 90% of the time it is because he does. I don't know what to do because I feel like its all his fault that I am like this but I do understand that its probably because I do have a low libido. So you are not alone, I have gotten to the point where I just lay there and let him use my body to get off. I don't know what to do and this is my first time posting anything. Would you be able to tell me how to post this to everyone so I can lots of adivce?
Avatar for feelingalone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 1:38pm

"I don't know what to do and this is my first time posting anything. Would you be able to tell me how to post this to everyone so I can lots of adivce?"

You just did :) and welcome.

The biggest advice I can give you is to sit down and talk to him about it. Let him know that he isn't giving you the chance to initate or the chance to get yourself worked up to allow both of you to REALLY enjoy the experience.

Hopefully you can find a compromise. (especially if you can get him to understand that he will get more of what he wants if he gives you a bit of space to work within)

Good luck

Forever Optimistic

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 2:26pm
Its funny because I'm always telling him that. Thats what I meant by its constantly a battle. I'm always telling him. He knows. He just doesn't listen. He still does what he wants.