One small problem

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
One small problem
44
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 2:11pm

Im the LL in my relationship. My HL DH is a wonderful, my best friend and a great provider.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 2:16pm

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Well, you're probably already acting to some degree and he correctly intuits that you're not transported with passion and need -- that's why he accuses you of not being enthusiastic, even though you're an active participant by the sounds of it. Even if you hone your acting skills, he'll probably continue to sense that it's not coming from pure sexual passion. IMO, he needs to work on his expectations a little -- accept that he can't get every item on his wish list and be grateful for the items that are there.

Freelance

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 2:20pm

I gotta say this, and it probably won't be popular. Your DH needs to get the H E double hockey sticks over it, and be happy you are meeting him halfway. He is asking you to be insincere and to be something other than what you are. If you have to put forth the effort to "act" to please him, how long will it be, before you begin to resent having to be something other than what you are (which happens to be a very kind and loving and generous spouse, btw.)

He needs a wake up call, and he needs it quick. Sooner or later all his kvetching about what you are doing as an act of love (stretching outside your comfort zone, giving to him when you don't feel like having sex, in the middle of the night no less) will sour you to ALL acts of love.

Trust me, I know first hand.

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 2:26pm

...what about simply being in the moment of him enjoying you and taking your energy from that?...I seem to be able to take my energy and enjoyment from my husband's enthusiasm and pleasure...I don't always sexually enjoy our encounters...but, I always enjoy them...I do have to say this might be easier for me because husband does not require that I writhe, moan, and groan and is happy with the fact that I am making an effort...

...by the way, it would be so easy to become resentful if one's spouse is terribly disrespectful and demanding...I don't know if your husband falls into that category...mine doesn't and I don't find that I resent him at all...

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 2:33pm

I basically agree with flm.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 2:37pm
I don't resent him, there was a time when I did before I understood that sex was emotional bonding for him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 2:44pm

I prefer not to look at it as "taking one for the team" because to do that would breed resentment. I am taking the approach that this is a gift I choose to give, to be available and welcoming even if at that moment I'm not desirous of sex, I am desirous of contact.


And I attempt to be in the moment as much as possible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 3:35pm

Interesting dilemma. My LL DW has asked me to be more vocal in bed as she says it will help her get more into it. I am also not very vocal but I hardly consider myself to be unenthusiastic. I just show it physically rather than verbally.

I agree with the others that he needs to adjust his expectations.

My DW and I are trying to compromise by playing some sexy background music/sounds while we are having sex. Maybe that would be acceptable to your partner? Maybe that would even help you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 3:39pm
I'm not sure. That's something I'll bring up to DH. Though, I've found that I need to be very careful about what is going on in the bedroom before and during sex, because I'm so prone to distraction. Even to the point that the cat needs to be in another room because I'm worried he will start scratching on the door to get out, or conversly into the room. And that sound alone can throw me completely out of the moment. So can the phone, the doorbell, or any of the kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Tue, 06-08-2010 - 2:46am

why he suddenly needs more verbal expression from me


I'm just wondering whether he wants reassurance about something, and believes this is a a way of getting it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 06-08-2010 - 8:33pm
He may not know how to tell that you are ok or enjoying it. Some males have been influenced by porn where everybody is loud! I have run across women who scratched deep furrows;it did wonders for my staying power and their demand that I kept my shirt on!
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