overtime and manipulation

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
overtime and manipulation
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 6:07pm

I wish I could make my HL partner understand that I am too tired to have sex with him.

Ok, he goes to work when he feels like it -- he has his own business.

He doesn't do housework. He doesn't help with our youngest daughter's schoolwork. He doesn't cook (ok, maybe 1 or 2 times a year).

His teeth are bad, he is fat, and he can't get it up (sorry if TMI) half the time.

But I should be sooo happy to have sex with him after this day:

Got up at 6. Got daughter up and ready for school. Made coffee and bagels for everyone.

Left for work and dropped off daughter at 7 am.

Got home from work at 8 pm.

Straightened the house and made home made soup till 10 pm

Helped daughter with homework (she should have been in bed but someone had to help her with the parts she didn't understand) till 11 pm

Had stupid husband come in and say. . . oh boy, now you are ready to have sex for a couple of hours right? It's my turn for attention.

UMMM. NO. I have to get up and do this again tomorrow. You were still asleep when I left at 7. You have been home since 4 pm. (I asked my daughter). You were too "busy" playing on your computer to help your daughter do homework. You had plenty of energy to come complain that I was gone "too long and you were hungry". NO. I do not want to stay up till 1 am having sex so I can get up at 6 and you can sleep in till 9 or 10.

So he gets sex once a month or so. Maybe if I didn't have to pay 2/3's of the bills by working overtime, maybe if he took care of his health, maybe if he got a "REAL" job, maybe if he helped around the house, he would have more sex.

And you know what the saddest thing is? I used to like sex, but now I can't stand sex with him. I don't want to have another kid to take care of forever.

Sheesh. Ok, I shouldn't vent, but really, dump all the responsibilities of our world on me and then wonder why I don't want sex.

That's why Ahole.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 11:36pm

Hi gt,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 11:09am

I suppose that depends on who you ask. If you ask him, yes, sex is our only problem. If you ask me the sex is a problem because I am doing too much to worry about sex.

I have tried to talk to him, but it is impossible.

He says housework is "women's work." He doesn't see the irony in the fact that if he is going to believe in 1940 ideals he should be the breadwinner. Right? Housework should be my domain, than earning a living should be his. But no raising children and doing housework is my responsibility.

Going to a job 12 hours a day so the family can make it is also my responsibility because he can't keep his mouth shut with a boss. It is too hard. He "likes" working for himself.

Yes, I am furious. But I have been with him 20+ years. I have three kids with him.

I will make it until the last one is grown and out of the house.

I guess I am here because sex is a big deal. But how can I add sex and intimacy to the list when I am exhausted after doing everything else?

And how can I get him to listen to me? We could have a great life if he would just grow up.

I probably belong on another board. I was just venting because he has been very upset with me for the last few days and that makes him mean. I wish he could just see how hard it is to do everything, get off his dumb computer, get a real job and help with the house and the kids. He doesn't want to hear that though.

So how do I get enthusiastic about sex and where do I fit it in? And how do I get rid of all this resentment? I have tried not doing things before and then . . . they just don't get done.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2006
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 3:19pm

A few things here bothered me. One was your use of the term "real job". I am also self employed and my DW has used this term when arguing about finances. Her using it just makes me defensive and stubborn. Now if she just wanted me to make more money as self employed I might market more and thus get more business. Not sure if your DH could do the same thing. My situation is also a little different in that I do make more than I did when I had that "Real Job" and my DW is underemployed. I also help with the house and can cook better than DW.

The resentment will kill a marriage. Try talking to him without raising your voice (softly with hint of sex would work wonders with me) or using derogotory terms. Ask him what he thinks he can do to help with (start with narrow subject, small item i.e. improve his business to make more money). Telling him to do this or that will not work (sounds too much like nagging). If there is some thing you can do that won't take much time or if the kids are old enough that they can do.

Some of your kids must be old enough to fend for themselves if you're working 12 hours a day and still cooking dinner. Teach the oldest how to cook. Besides helping you it will help them when they move out. I remember cooking dinner for three of my four younger brothers when I was 12. Mom was running around with one and Dad was out of town on a business trip. Athough once I drove I was the one running around and the next one got to cook for whomever was home. Didn't have any sisters so there was no such thing as women's work.

Oh and don't tell him to grow up, you can feel like thats what you want him to do but don't tell him that, it will also just make him defensive and dig in.

Read your update. Sounds like you still want to make it work. If my DW asked me to lunch all we would do is eat food.

Edited 1/31/2007 3:25 pm ET by heyaugust
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 7:03pm

Thanks for the male viewpoint. I am trying. I just don't know how to make him see that I am frustrated with working so much so he won't have to deal with a boss. I have a boss and I have to deal with him.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2006
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 7:25pm
When you are self employed you have lots of bosses they are called customers. The issue shouldn't be who has a boss and who doesn't, it should be the amount of work each of you are doing. Is there any way he can increase his income?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 10:14pm

Honestly gt,

He sounds very spoiled and immature.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 9:45pm

Sigh. But when anger and resentment lead to a loss of sexual desire, is it not a sexual issue as well as an anger and resentment issue?

He has no relatives except for his 80 some year old parents. They always thought I wasn't "good" enough for him.

Oh, wait. LOL. My daughters are his relatives. DUH. But they grew up knowing who was mature and responsible in our house. They just see him as DAD. He is a great dad, and that is one major reason why I didn't leave. Another is I have three beautiful girls, and the percentage of stepfathers and mother's boyfriends sexually molesting girls is just too high for me to be comfortable with it. Finally I have loved him for a long time (my whole adult life) and I still love him. I am just frustrated, angry and resentful of his immaturity and irresponsibility. Who knows? Maybe when the last daughter leaves the house, he will change and we will be happy together.

He is a sweet guy and he loves me. I am just the stronger personality. I am sure the guys on the board that are LL (if there are any) could relate to work and home responsibility factors making their libido go down.

I come to this board because I want to make it better. I want to be able to give him what he needs. I just wanted to see other viewpoints of people with this problem.

Perhaps one of the reasons why so many women on this board are HL and are wondering why their men are LL is that stress causes decreased interest in sex.

Just for kicks and giggles:

Would you HL women answer this?

How many of you are SAH wives and/or think the man should shoulder the majority of the responsibilities?

And to be fair, for you HL men:

How many of you have wives who stay home and have no/very little control over the big things in their lives? Could their LL be related to the fact they just want control over something?


Perhaps men and women are LL when they are too stressed out, busy, responsible to add even one more thing to their plate OR perhaps women/men are LL when they have no control in their lives except for their bodies so they withhold sex in an attempt to have control over something?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 10:43am

I'm a S@HM&W, I have a number of volunteer projects I do
to help me feel like I am giving back to the world.

I have an extremely HL, on the verge of overactive lol.
My husband has a mid range to low libido.

He works everyday, at a very physically demanding
job, not to mention high stress.
He also has hobbies that get him out of the house a few nights a week,
one of those nights I am out with him.

I take care of everything in the home for the most part.
On the weekends my husband will help with the laundry
or vacuum, but everything else rests on my shoulders.

My husband does not manage the home, sure he makes the money
but he has no idea what bills need to be paid or are paid etc.
I cook, clean, manage the bills, the home, our son & everything
he is involved with.

To answer your question, I think that the majority of the responsibilities
in the household should fall on the shoulders of the person who can handle
them the best. Sometimes this means the man sometimes it means the
woman, and sometimes it is both, as is our case.
He works makes the money, helps when he can(weekends)
takes out the trash, takes care of the pets & yard work etc.

I do everything else, because he is terrible at multi tasking!

I do this because I know his libido is on the cusp
of being low and I couldn't handel it lower, and it
would be, if he had to deal with half of the stuff I do

Balance is the key to everything in life!