Please help! Not being nervous...
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|Sun, 01-07-2007 - 12:05am|
Hi all! I have been reading many of your posts concerning HL/LL difficulties, most of which deal with frustrations about a LL partner, and I was hoping you could offer me some advice (I apologize if this gets long!). I have been with current BF for a year and a half, and we have been through much, sexually, since we started to be intimate (about 2 months into the relationship). See, I am not by nature a LL woman, my sex drive is actually fairly high for a woman, but when BF and I started having sex he had a lot of trouble (and still does)with ED (erectile dysfunction). We realized from the get-go that this is mostly an issue of "performance anxiety" and low confidence as a result, and everything checks out fine physically.
For a few months we tried just continuing to "practice", or have sex to try and build his confidence up. However, due to baggage from past relationships (I was basically a sex object) and feeling pressured to have sex when it was not pleasurable for me (it just felt like work) I eventually had to ask him to consider other methods of handling the ED, while continuing to "practice". To make a long story short, we tried using drugs (too much planning in advance), not using condoms (I was on the pill, but the ED still occurred), but the situation has not improved much. There were periods of a few weeks where I would feel uncomfortable being touched a lot, as I felt he was pressuring me all the time for sex, and at the same time I felt really guilty for not giving him what he needed. BF has been to a few therapy sessions to perhaps deal with the issues surrounding his anxiety, and I have been in therapy for months to deal with mine, but it only seems to be helping to a certain degree. We have no trouble discussing this issue, but it just feels like we're not really getting very far, since we only have sex once every few months!
I feel awful. I've read a number of posts on here from those of you who have LL partners. I am not overall LL, as I have said, but I can certainly recognize that my boyfriend at times feels neglected and unloved, as you do. For the past few weeks or so I have had very little desire for sex, and for quite a while now I have not really gotten much pleasure out of sexual activity (even when I am "on my own"). I feel horribly guilty that I still feel so nervous and scared to keep trying to have sex, as I know that is what we need to do in order for his confidence to return so that we CAN have a normal sex life. Its just hard for me to want to do it when I feel (a) pressured to do it every time he kisses me (which I know isn't necessarily the case), and (b) that it isn't really all that enjoyable for me. We have to do things in a particular way or else he is afraid to lose his erection -- a certain position, very little movement, I have to put on the condom, I need to be careful about this or that -- it just doesn't really feel like sex is even about me at all. We have spoken about all of this and he says he will try to be more open about things, even if it means losing his erection, but I can't seem to shake this fear and loosen up so that we can just be together! HELP! Lately, my discomfort has made me feel that I will not be able to give him what he wants, especially as I feel I have been trying so hard to help him, and sometimes my lack of libido makes me question whether I really love him (i.e. since I'm still attracted to him, if I loved him wouldn't I want to be intimate with him?).
Do you think its possible that other factors in my life are contributing to these feelings? I don't deal with stress particularly well, and the past two years have been very "up and down" in terms of luck. Additionally, two of my close family members are very ill and one is expected to die within the next few weeks. AND, I get sinus infections at least once a month, so I don't feel all that great most of the time.
Do you have any suggestions as to what I might do to calm my fears and allow me to continue rebuilding the relationship with my boyfriend? I love him a lot, he is a WONDERFUL guy, and I am afraid that eventually he will get sick of dealing with me (even though he has anxiety about his ED as well) and just leave. Please don't hesitate to ask for other information, and thank you so much for your advice! A very happy new year to all. :-)