Question for all the Male LL

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Question for all the Male LL
3
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 1:16am
Hello, I know this is the "wrong" board for myself, but I just have to get some kind of perspective. Ok a little backstory. I am 23 years old, my BF is 30, been together 3 years. The sex is non-existant. At all. Has been like this for pretty much 70% of the relationship. We've talked about it, mainly argued. Its so infrequent, maybe once a month, MAYBE !! My own personal observation is its a health issue, maybe beginning signs of ED. I've told my bf, i'll go w/ him to the dr, etc, but he gets extremly defensive and angry that I would say that. So my question to other male LL's out there is, why wouldnt he want to get help for his problem? Our relationship is about over, quite honestly, but I cant help but wonder, why do through life like this?? Why does he NOT WANT help ?? Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 4:20am

Male LLs NEVER post on this board (too ashamed?) so I'll offer my perspective as a female LL. You ask: Why wouldn't he want help for the problem? Remember, if he's truly LL, that means he's never had a big appetite for sex and sex has never been important to him. So it's not like he has a sense of missing something. He may not see it as a problem requiring help, but as "just the way he is." He may also think it's unlikely he'll change his basic sex drive and doesn't want to undergo the frustration of trying and failing. He may also be ashamed to have this issue and thus reluctant to discuss it with doctors.

F.

p.s. Just for the sake of argument, he could be asking you: Why don't you get help for the "problem" of your high libido, as it's getting in the way of your relationship? It's important to realize that neither HL nor LL is right or wrong -- it's just when they coexist that problems arise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2003
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 9:25pm

Hello and welcome to the board, bailey! You'll find that MANY people on this board can relate to what you're going through, so you are definitely not alone. I am a HL male (as FLM said, the LL males don't post on this board), but I totally agree with with Freelance said. Although it is widely accepted in our culture for women to have low sex drives, it is not for men. From what I've read, however, sex therapists generally agree that the incidence of male LL and female LL are quite similar. In addition, the REASONS are the same: everything ranging from being 'born' with little sex drive, to insecurity, to lack of sexual confidence, to body image problems, etc, etc. . . It is advisable, though, to rule out health concerns so it wouldn't be a bad idea for him to visit the Dr. However, since you two are fighting about sex a lot, it is going to make him feel "pressure" if it's a visit specifically concerning his (lack of) sexuality. For that reason, you may want to urge him to just go to the Dr. for a 'check-up'. That way you would know if there are any outstanding health issues (high or low blood pressure, heart problems, anxiety, etc which may contribute to the problem.

Barring any health concerns, the first thing to understand is that this is a VERY sensitive issue (especially for men). Like I said, men in our culture are expected to be "ready to go" all the time. This myth makes it hard for men to admit that they HAVE a LL, let alone to do something about it. But, considering all the ads for Viagra, Cialis, etc it is obvious that he is far from alone. Even those commercials, though, don't let men acknowledge that they may be LL (like women are allowed to)- it is a Erectile "Dysfunction" (ie there is something SERIOUSLY WRONG with them!) They are supposed to want sex all the time and just "suck it up" and please their partner. This creates ENORMOUS pressure on them and they don't even feel "like a man" because of it. It's no wonder, then, that LL men are reluctant to read books or magazine articles about their "problem", visit discussion groups like this one, or visit a therapist for help.

Although I am currently HL, early in my relationship I was not. I would lose my erections as soon as anything sexual started making me feel 'pressure' and anxiety. The best thing for you to do would be to try to ease off the fighting and 'pressure'. I would HIGHLY advise reading a book on the ML issue yourself for some insight, but DON'T force or pressure him to do the same. Consider "Passionate Marriage" by Dr. David Schnarch or "The Sex-Starved Marriage" by Michele Weinder-Davis. Though it's helpful if BOTH partners work on these issues, a relationship is a system and one partner CAN precipitate change if the situation is properly handled. Is there anything sexual you can do which doesn't put pressure on him (ex. giving him a hand job or BJ)? If so, you may want to start with these activities since it takes the pressure off of him to please you. However, if he is uncomfortable with even these, you will have to begin VERY slowly. You will also want to carefully examine other aspects of your relationship- are there problems in other areas which may be affecting your sex life? Try to be as understanding and as supportive as you can be and try not to pressure him. Sometimes working on your own other interests/hobbies will help because it shows independence (which will make him feel less uncomfortable because the focus isn't always on your sex life) and it gives you something else to do which helps keep YOU happy! Don't forget to take care of yourself and to not take it personally.

I hope some of this helps. . . Hang in there and best of luck.

-dadguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 10:32pm

Wow, thanks for all the info dadguy23. I;m at the end of my rope sometimes and just knowing there is this board out there to post on, helps. Thanks, I'll look into those books !

bailey337