Repost: GOD they are frustrating at time

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2005
Repost: GOD they are frustrating at time
8
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 6:45am

My whole weekend was awful...we were just so busy. running all over the place never really having a moment to ourselves. I thought he would want some quality time with me at one point too..after last night when i suggested sex he was too tired so he actually said how bout tonight when the kids are gone between 5-8. Well of course today he complained that he wanted to watch a football game this afternoon. He never does watch them so i was ok with that. I went and did my own thing. then when the kids got dropped off at their thing i expected that we were going to watch our movie from last night, maybe get a little action on but he announced to me that he planned once again to watch ANOTHER football game, leaving me to watch the movie WE were going to watch, alone. So he quietly suggests before he heads out the door with the kids, hey got an idea. why don't you be naked when i get home and we can have sex, THEN i can still watch my game and you can watch your movie!! I was so freakin furious. I just said, no...that's not EXACTLY the romance i'm looking for, but thanks you f**$(*^*!!! (i thought that, but didn't say it out loud). So his game went WAY longer than he thought, i think. He's come in periodically being all sweet...made dinner. but still no attempts at interupting his game for some sex. OH NO! Anyways, i'm freakin furious. I realise that alot of women deal with this on a weekly basis with the whole 'FOOTBALL' thing but i'm not about to be tossed aside for that. We haven't had sex in over 2 weeks, and when we did last it's because I asked for it. So now i'm mad. BUT of course if i tell him i'm mad, he'll say how it's not fair because i don't even give him a few hours to watch a couple of games. It's almost over blahblah...he hasn't watched ANY games all year and it's the least he should be able to do considering everything he does around here. WEll i can tell you one thing for sure that he does not do - and maybe if he did more often it wouldn't be so bad, and that thing he doesn't do is ME!!

(sorry about the rant - i just need to get it off my chest before he gets home with the kids)

i'm just so tired of 'never' having sex. I'm pissed off. i'm planning this wedding, and i'm starting to see how little effort he puts into our relationship. it's wrong. sure he does other things...he's very efficient around the house, fixing things, cleaning up etc but in the bedroom he sucks!

how am i supposed to live like this? we are going to see a couples therapist to try and do away with the 'stressors' that are supposedly causing him this problem but so far i don't see it working. And yesterday he had EVERY opportunity but once again decided against it. And from the minute his football game was done he was trying to be so sweet with me, all lovey dovey (not sexually but like making up) anyways until i actually hear a 'i'm sorry' out of his mouth, i don't even want to speak to him. And now this morning (the next morning) he's all surprised that i'm upset with him. AARRRRGGHH!!!

what would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2006
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 12:49pm

Sound like you both have issues. You have high expectations of romance, and when he can't or doesn't live up to them you get resentful. Some of the following bounces around and I probably could improve the wording.

As for him watching Football this weekend, most guys would have prefered football over a movie this past weekend (playoffs - 4 games). He'll also want to watch this coming weekend (2 games) and the Superbowl. I also don't watch much during the season, but during the playoffs watching football is much better than any movie. I would give up the first half of watching a football game to have sex but not to watch a movie.

He did at least suggest something, but it didn't meet your expectations. And one of the games yesterday did go into overtime. You are also tying quality time with him to sex, when both of your are as busy as your post suggests you need to schedule both and don't expect them to occur in sequence. I believe he may consider sex quality time. When approached right it can be.

I would agree with the one of the posters on your other post and hold off on the wedding until you work through some of these issues in therapy. The fact that he is willing to go is a good sign.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2005
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 12:58pm

yes it is a good sign that he wants to work on it and will work hard when he wants to.

i was just so furious yesterday..it really hurt my feelings

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2005
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 1:04pm

Storm,

I just wanted to sympathize with you. I am in the same boat as you. I am getting ready to move in with my guy and we have been together only since August! My bf doesn't initiate anything and if I don't, forget it, it ain't happening.

We are currently working on "what might be the issue".. see my postings under the high libido section "New here. My story. and "the great sex experiment"

I can't imagine having to deal with football on top of it all. How long have you been together? Did you have a great sex life at the beginning? If so, when did it drop off? Just curious about your backgrounds.

Anyway...

((((Hugs)))))

NPG

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2005
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 1:11pm

we've been together for about 2 years now...getting married in august. we have 2 kids, one each. honestly he never REALLY lusted after me in a hot and passionate way...he's just never been like that and it's always caused me some anguish. i am a very passionate person so it's kind of hard. And now we can easily go a couple of weeks between bouts and usually do it at my insisting.

it sucks.

and yesterday he was just cruel (at least that's how i found him).

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2005
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 1:29pm

I can sense your anger and I KNOW how you feel. I would be angry, especially if HE suggested the sex and then didn't follow through. That is worse than not initiating anything at all.

Have you had a heart to heart talk with him? The best way is to do it without anger. If you are anything like me, we tend to take it personally. I can't help to think if my BF were presented with some model looking woman, he would drop everything in a second. But the more I think about it, the more I think he prob wouldn't with her either :/

Our sex was never frequent at the beginning although it was at an acceptable amount for me. When we do have sex, its wonderful so I have no complaints there. I love him and feel so very close to him when we are in the middle of sex. I would just like it more and to have him initiate more. I refuse to have him give me pity sex. I am not in the business of making people do what they don't want to do.

I would NOT get married until this issue is resolved. At least you are going to therapy. I can't say as to whether my man would be open to that or not. I think a wake up call to your future husband would tell him that marriage is out of the question until you resolve this very serious issue or you will be finding yourself talking to a divorce lawyer. You will begin to build so much resentment towards him that it will only self destruct over time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 7:43pm

How long have you been in counseling? My hubby and I just started before Christmas, but between holidays and weather we've on been 2-3 times. I am not sure what to expect from the couseling, and am curious to know if you are happy with yours so far?
And that's rude (to say the least) to bring up sex and then leave you hanging. If the roles were reversed, you'd be called a tease.
I think the thing that sucks for me is women reach their peak in the 40's/50's...but if you are dating a man your own age, he's already heading down hill! So I got smart and got a younger man....:P

Wifey

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2007
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 8:30pm
Yeah, thats what i think i'm gonna do!i'm 38 & my BF is almost 40,He lives kind of far away so i only see him twice a mo. for a few days & lets just say i want to make up for lost time & i'm lucky if i get it twice the whole time he's over, i'm sooo frustrated. I really love him ,but sometimes i seriously think about cheating on him cuz i need more sex than what i'm getting from him.I tried talking to him in the past & it worked for a few mos. then it goes back to the same old thing.Anyway he's going through a family problem right now,it's been going on for a while & could be going on for alot longer so i really do'nt feal that i can talk to him about this at this time because i know anyway i say it he'll take it the wrong way(about the sex, not me wanting to cheat on him ,which iwould'nt,i just think about it.)cuz he's very emotional now, but i don't know how much more of this barely there sex i can take.Anyway i guess i should stop complaining,it could be worse, i could be getting no sex at allbut then i think it would be over.Just needed to vent,& tell you wifey you were right to get a younger guy, i'm sure i day i will!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 12:24am

Well your position just sucks, cause if you decide to cut your losses you're the bad guy aren't you? LOL, you could do what I did with my ex-husband, I kept telling him, "You really need to find someone else, someone more like you (or) someone better for you!" And he actually did, much to his regret :D

I did end up having it ALL OUT with my husband and he said, "All you have to do is ask!" Ok, so that makes it my fault?? Yeah right! So we got into all the times and ways I've asked and he's shot me down, and I was supposed to have sex 2 days ago, but guess what?!

What are you supposed to do when he's open to it, but not all the time?