Sex all the time

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2006
Sex all the time
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 12:21am

Hi there-

I am 21 years old and live with my boyfriend. Usually, we have sex everyday unless I am on my period. I get annoyed with all the sex he wants to have, and usually I give in, and just have sex whenever he wants. There has been too many times after we don't have sex that he gets upset. Sometimes, I'd rather have sex with him than have him complain.

It's not that I am not attracted to him. I find him extremely sexy, its just that his high libido gets on my nerves. I feel suffocated because he wants it all the time. I get tired of him talking about sex, and whenever we don't have sex, he makes comments about how he watched pornography or masturbated in order to get over it.

Is this normal?! Do most men find it necessary to have sex everyday? I mean, we haven't had sex for like THREE DAYS and he made this comment like, "It really scares me when you don't want to have sex." And he went on to overexaggerate: "We haven't had sex for like a week and a half." The thing was I was eating, and he was about to go to work (he works night shift). Earlier in the day, I wanted to get ready for work myself. He takes it personally when I don't want to have sex. It's not that I don't, it is just that it is usually a 45-50 minute process that I just sometimes don't have the god damn time for!

It really hit me this morning. We were in bed, and he usually goes to sleep around 10am 11am in order to sleep for the night shift. He was being very cuddly, kissy, lovey. I liked it a lot. Then he started to push my panties to the side, and I said, "I want to get ready for work. I don't want to be all gross when I go to work." I didn't say it mean or anything, I was really nice.

"I'm going to go to sleep then." Then he stopped being cuddly.
"What was that?!" I said, "It's not like I am not someone with a good personality who you can have a good conversation with. You're only staying awake to have sex?!"
"Well, yeah." he said.
Then I gave him a little yell.

It upsets me that he can stay up to have sex with me, but anything else outside of the confines of sex is useless. I understand that he wants to sleep. Then he started to be very nice, massassing my feet, kissing me, and he went to sleep.

Then he happened again tonight when he wanted to have sex30-40 minutes before he had to go. I had just cooked food, wanted to eat it, and wasn't up for it.

Then all of a sudden he said, "We haven't had sex in like a week and a half!" (which like I explained earlier, was actually only three days.)

I don't want him to feel like he is being neglected, but at the same time I don't want to feel like some chick who just "puts out" all the time.

What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 8:35am

"Is this normal?! Do most men find it necessary to have sex everyday?"

No some men has little to no interest in sex.

"What should I do?

You both need to sit down and try to discuss this at a time when you are NOT trying to have sex. When it is a good neutral time where you both can focus on the conversation and the issue. Pick up a relationship book and look for chapters that deal with conflict and techniques on how to have conversations if you feel you need to.

"I don't want him to feel like he is being neglected, but at the same time I don't want to feel like some chick who just "puts out" all the time. "

FYI there is nothing wrong with having sex all the time 'IF' you both enjoy it. Currently what it sounds like is that you feeling at least somewhat used instead of sex feeling like something that has some intimacy to it. This will be something to discuss with him. Sex isn't necessarily intimate all the time, it can be fun and enjoyable to just have sex but like anything, you two have to find your balance that works for the two of you.

If you need to, write down what you wrote on a piece of paper so you can discuss the various points you have. You want to discuss it with the idea of trying to find some solutions that might work. You can't have sex everyday before you work but there is nothing to say you two can't plan something for maybe once a week. Yes plan sex. It's something that long relationships have to do to keep things going in a relationship. Not spontaneous but if you want 'time' so you can take your time and enjoy things, then most like you will have to plan for it.

Hopefully the two of you can sit down and talk about this at a neutral time.

Edited 6/22/2007 10:59 am ET by tryinghard55
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2005
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 9:25am

Hi Betty:

I will try to give you a HL female perspective.

I think that it is very dangerous to think in terms of normal or abnormal where sexual interest and sexual relationships are concerned. In my experience, people have wide ranging libidos. Some people would be happy being sexual many times a day. Others would be happy being sexual only a few times a year (yes, I said a year). Some people are comfortably in the middle of that range, looking to be sexual on the order of a few times a month to a couple times a week.

Our society tends to repress sexual discussion and sexual thought. As a result, many couples have a difficult time communicating regarding their individual sexual needs and desires. Many couples find themselves in relationships where one or the other partner feels unsatisfied (because they are getting sex too often) or used (because they are having sex more often than they would like). Yet, because sex is such a "taboo" subject, many individuals decide to continue in relationships suffering through the sexual shortcomings in the hope that things will get better. Many an individual has said "I do" with the false belief that, once the marriage certificate was signed, all of the sexual dysfunction would disappear.

You seem to be a bright and articulate woman. You recognize that you are in a relationship that is causing you to be sexual more often than is comfortable for you. You already are developing a level of resentment towards your boyfriend because of it. Your posting strongly suggests that you see your boyfriend as being insensitive to your needs and desires. Yet, you are willing to be sexual for him to avoid the conflict.

Exactly when do you expect to insist upon setting boundaries with respect to sexual frequency? What do you expect his reaction will be when you do this?

Whether he is normal or abnormal, he is who he is. If you do not want to be sexual daily with him for the rest of your life, it is time to move on. This relationship isn't working.

If you are unwilling to break it off, then you must bring the issue out into the open. You have to tell him that you love him, but that a couple times a week is all you can take. Be prepared for him to not understand. HL's don't get it when their partners say they don't want to have sex every day. Believe me, I know. We think that sex is fun all the time. We simply cannot understand why anyone would want to have less sex. The only possible explanation in our minds is that you do not love us with the same intensity that we love you.

Since he is young, you will have a very difficult time educating him to the fact that you may love him just as intensely but still only want to be sexual a couple times a week. I wish you well in your attempt. But, at the end of the day, I think you are doomed. There are married couples who have been together for years (with children) who cannot work through these issues. And, he is young. He may decide that finding someone who is more his sexual equal is more important than holding on to a relationship with someone who clearly is not. That is why my strong recommendation is to move on.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 2:03pm

I'm a guy with a high sex drive (like your guy), though I'm almost 40. As a previous poster mentioned, he is young and you are both discovering that some assumptions that we have about each other are wrong.

Cuddling is almost always arousing for HL guys. It's not a conscious choice of his. He may have actually start off with only the intention of only cuddling, but the drive will kick in and desire can become overwhelming. This may explain why he may seem to withdraw if he knows that you aren't interested in sex. At times, he could be trying to be sensitive to your needs and not pressure you for sex, and at the same time you might interpret that as withholding cuddling because you won't give him sex. He may not be retaliating, and it doesn't mean that he doesn't value cuddling.

I'm not sure if you've tried this yet, but there is some middle ground to either completely abstaining or having intercourse. Try giving him an orgasm with your hand, mouth, or letting him masturbate while you are with him.

You also described what appears to be anxiety on his part whenever there is a change in the frequency of sex. For a high sex drive young person, that can be understandable to a limited extent, but only a limited extent. Don't let him exaggerate what has happened, but reassure him that you care about him just as much. He'll learn that his world isn't going to collapse.

Edited 7/10/2007 3:56 pm ET by dr.revel
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2007
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 10:55am
what would I do?...I'd fake it...I'd give in and act like I enjoy it...and, a quick shower will eliminate the evidence of having sex before wanting to have sex normal for a young man?...if my memory serves me the fact that he wants you..that he continues to come home to try and persuade you to have sex with glad that he still wants to put the effort me..the frustration that you feel with his high libido will pale in comparison to the knowledge that he has turned to someone else...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2005
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 3:52pm
It's only going to get worse, believe me. I just left my husband of 25 years because of his constant complaints about sex. Once a week was fine with me, but he would start complaining. So then I'd give in every few days and feel resentful. Then I'd hear it's not different enough (how different can it be after 25 years?), not exciting enough, not often enough, etc., etc. Finally, I said "ENOUGH". Now, I just turned 50 and I am starting a new life. Bought myself a house and am finally doing things my way, not answering to anyone! So, if you can't work it out, move on...