sex is disappearing...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2007
sex is disappearing...
9
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 11:19pm
I have been married for a year and a half now and have 1 son since we were married (honeymoon baby) I'm 27 and she is 25. We've been together for a total of 3 years now. Sex before marriage and the first 3 months after was awesome 3-4 times a week! Through pregnancy dropped to once a week which is understandable given the situation by me. However, since having baby sex is now 1-2 times every 2 weeks. At one point there was a 4 week break. I love my wife dearly, I have looked around and even read into some books on advice with this problem of being in a sex deprived marriage. We have talked about it 4 times now with no improvement to our situation. I have noticed that I am beginning to become more frustrated and short tempered just thinking about it. When we did talk about it she admits that right now her drive is low, but she wants to make love. I thought her libidio changed which I am sure it has to some extent from having the baby. We discussed what we would be comfortable with how many times we have sex a week and we agreed on AT LEAST twice a week. This does not happen. I personnaly need her 3-4 times a week, but I don't see that happening. I am at the point where I am tired of talking about it because it has showed no results. In the past I use to make the first moves, but now it is her only when she feels like it, which of course I take up on it because who knows how long I have to wait. She noticed that she has been making these advances when we do make love, but at the same time I am long past the point of trying because I am slowly feeling like I am being neglected, so I don't bother "nudgin" her for some. I did however initiate this past Saturday night, but the whole time all it was "baby, I'm tired blah, blah, blah!" even after I got her to orgasm before we even had intercourse! That night was not satisfying at all and I went to bed wondering what is going to happen. Sorry that this post is long, but I have so many feelings I need to get out, I have no one to turn to. Most nights I go to bed late because I'm even feeling that going to bed is going to bed with a female roomate or there's just no looking forward to go to bed. Again do not get me wrong I do love my wife, she's hot and a great woman, but when it comes to our sex life I feel like I'm beating myself to death when I think about how unsatisfying our love life is. As for me I consider myself good looking and both of us workout everyday and eat healthy and stay in shape. I don't know what to do, we've talked, set up date nights (disasters themselves, we tried this a few times just the 2 of us and has met failure b/c of baby. She even has suggested that our date nights include baby and I'm just like "what tha F*$k!" don't even expect to get any from me b/c that alone doesn't put me in the mood), read books on this situation, and just don't know what to do. I do not believe in divorce and do not see myself leaving her, but I even find myself enjoying "eye candy" more often when I'm at work or the gym as a temporary relief. Please someone help... Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2006
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 6:31am
I understand your frustrations, but a baby does change your life in a big way. Your wife's hormones could have changed, and she could be exhausted from the new responsibilities she has , and the sleep deprivation.
This may sound mean, but you refer to your son as "the baby" and don't even mention how your life has been affected other than the decreased sex. The tone of your message sounds like you resent your son. I hope I am wrong. If you read the other posts, you are still probably having sex more often than a lot of people on this board.
Make an effort to help your wife out and lighten her load, that may take the pressure off of the both of you.
Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 9:11am

I read a few new things yesterday in a Good Housing keeping article on sex and motherhood. Women with kids between the ages of 1-6 are uninterested in sex two times more than any other group of women. Part of the natural biology for survival the article was talking about. Women don't want to have sex during this time because there was the change to have another child. So the chance for running and surviving with more than one child becomes non existant for the mother and her offspring. So she only wants to have one child to help ensure the child survives. While this may be modern day society, that instinct is still in the genies.

Also, women get emotional satisfication at this point in their lives cuddling with their children than from having sex. Their needs are met in this fashion. Besides things like being tired/exhausted from a day with a child and having no energy for sex, they are also emotionally satisfied and don't feel a need to even cuddle with their husbands. So dad gets left out of the picture. Considering that your wife wants to bring your child along on date nights, she seems to forgotten that being a wife and lover is important also. She seems to be getting all her needs met from your son. Probably something the two of you should discuss. While understand that this can happen, it's not healthy for the couple's relationship. She has to work on the couple relationship also as kids grow up and leave.

"She noticed that she has been making these advances when we do make love, but at the same time I am long past the point of trying because I am slowly feeling like I am being neglected, so I don't bother "nudgin" her for some."

Well do you notice her making advances? If so, then you need to keep encouraging that positive advancement. Now would not be the time to give up. If you give up trying, the pattern will just get worse. She's need loving encouragement. Nature alone has probably killed her drive so she has to force herself to get start with sex.

" I don't know what to do, we've talked, set up date nights (disasters themselves, we tried this a few times just the 2 of us and has met failure b/c of baby. "

So why is this failing due to the baby? What is happening? Is your wife having a hard time separating mother from wife/lover because the baby is too near? Too close so she stays focused on the child?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2007
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 1:56pm
Thank you for your reply, I do realize baby has changed everything and so has the wife's hormones. I read all about that and it did help me understand a bit more. As for her load, I stay at home during the day and babysit and take care of the house right now. She does none of that stuff. Baby has special radar that when she is home they are stuck like glue together. At night I go to school or work then workout for an hour every other day. Mom and baby are in bed no later than 830pm and I don't get to sleep til around midnight. Baby only wakes up once a night now for a feeding (which mom does) and I am up at 5 to babysit while mom goes to the gym for an hour everyday, then she is off to work at 830 and gets off at 3. I know the first couple of months were kinda rough more feedings during the night and paranoia about SIDS kept us both up. So, about lightening her load... I think it is light enough.
About refering to baby as "the baby or baby" I am not resenting him at any level, I just do not want to use names on here. I am sorry that I did not clarify that before. As for the rest of my life yes it has dramatically changed and been effected by having baby. The past two school semesters and the one I am currently in right now have been very stressful for me. Baby was born in the middle of finals week last December. This past spring semester I had to switch all of my classes to night just so that we wouldn't have to dish out cash for a sitter. On top of that I could not get any school work done because baby is a big responsibility. I am not resenting him my wife and I married being very open to children and before we had baby we agreed that we would like to have all of our children before we were 30, so it is all part of our plan. It is just that our sex/love life has taken the hardest hit and it is screwin my head up.
Thank you again for your concern and advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2007
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 2:20pm

Thank you for your reply, I knew about women just having kids not being interested in sex afterwards. I did not know though that it could be up to a 6yr period of time though :( I know my wife is afraid of getting pregnant again so soon, we are trying to keep a 2yr window in between kids. She is breast feeding though and it does reduce the chances greatly in our situation, we just learned of this recently. However while we have that going for us it has not helped out her drive to increase.

About the emotional satisfaction, this is something I read about and understand on paper that men and women are very different in these aspects. I am still trying to figure her out with this whole emotion thing, but it's not the easiest... men just don't see things the same way as women. About what you said with the date night on how my wife wants to bring baby I agree with you that yes, I believe she has forgotten that being a wife and lover is important. It is not something we have clearly discussed yet, but as you say we should. On her working on the relationship I agree with too, this is something that we both have to do and I read plenty about this and have explained it to her (which she says she understands, but I'm not sure how much she is really taking in on that matter). However, this goes back to my complaint that we have talked and talked, but not with much progress. It is like we may make love that night after a talk or the next and then that is it for 2-3 weeks.

On her making advances yes she has been, but I will try what you said about encouraging her in a type of positive reinforcement way. Thanks.

Date night failure happens because we go out and mom is calling the sitter every 20-30 mins and the slightest thing wrong off we go cancel our plans for the night, finish dinner early, her nagging at me because I'm not driving fast enough to "save" baby and we get to the sitter's baby is perfectly fine and dad goes home grumpy and not in the mood for all of the "I'm sorry, or I'll make it up to you crap." I do believe she is a little paranoid when it comes to us going out for a date night and leaving the baby at the sitter's. It's not some teenager sittin either, we have 4 options with 2 of them recently having kids of their own too, and the other 2 have been there doen that. So it's not like we are dumpin the baby off to a bunch of myspace kids or anything like that. I personnally think she just needs to chill out a lil bit with this situation, but I don't know what else to say to her on how she needs to just relax and everything will be alright...

Thank you again for your advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 3:05pm

"She is breast feeding though and it does reduce the chances greatly in our situation, we just learned of this recently. However while we have that going for us it has not helped out her drive to increase."

While it might reduce the chance of pregancy, it also helps reduce her drive. That is how you avoid getting pregnant. ;-)

"Date night failure happens because we go out and mom is calling the sitter every 20-30 mins and the slightest thing wrong off we go cancel our plans for the night, finish dinner early, her nagging at me because I'm not driving fast enough to "save" baby and we get to the sitter's baby is perfectly fine and dad goes home grumpy and not in the mood for all of the "I'm sorry, or I'll make it up to you crap."

For her to make it up to you, you get the cell phone on date night and no calls are allowed. Mom has to learn to let go. Answer the phone if sitter calls but otherwise no phone.

Can her mother or a friend or family member talk to her about this? Someone besides you that understands what is happening?

Also, if she is nagging you about something like not driving fast enough, which is killing date night and is habitual, you should respond to it. Not anything nasty as the baby is important to her and you certainly don't need to be fighting while driving. You might say, "Well I could drive faster but I'm afraid I might make a mistake in driving faster and get us both killed, then our baby has no parents. I need to concentrate on my driving so we get back safe. Our child is important to me too."

A question for you. Does sex have to occur at bedtime? It sounds like the two of you have two completely different schedules. Can the two you find some times during the week where you both can get together while having some energy left for sex? Maybe slot out 4 PM in the afternoon. Give her an hour to rest and some time with the baby, then spend a little time together.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 6:37pm

I think tryinghard gave good advice.


Brings to mind the Dr. Phil line "hey Moms, if you think that you can spend 18 years ignoring your husband, focus all your attention on raising your kid, and then

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2002
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 8:03pm

>>>I know my wife is afraid of getting pregnant again so soon, we are trying to keep a 2yr window in between kids. She is breast feeding though and it does reduce the chances greatly in our situation, we just learned of this recently. However while we have that going for us it has not helped out her drive to increase.<<<

The lactational amenorrhoea method only works if she is exclusively breastfeeding, and doing so several times a day. Given that baby only wakes once during the night, and she is at work from 8.30am to 3pm, your wife is going for long periods of time without breastfeeding your child, and you CANNOT rely on this method. Even if she is pumping milk for his other feeds, she is still going long periods without feeding him. You need to be using condoms at all times, or she needs to look at a progesterone-only method of birth control like the minipill (avoid the shot at all costs). The other option is that she needs to learn to chart her cycles by temping and recording cervical fluids to determine if and when she ovulates. If she is getting her period at all, this is another sign that you cannot rely on this method, because it is very likely she has started ovulating again. And if she hasn't, the potential is there that she could ovulate at any time.

Also, as one of the others said, breast feeding reduces a woman's sex drive. It's not just about the fact that there is a baby latched to her breast several times a day, but hormones in her body are designed to prevent ovulation, and a consequence of that is also a loss of sex drive.

 


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 4:16pm

"but the whole time all it was "baby, I'm tired blah, blah, blah!" even after I..." You sound very hurt. I can empathize. But I can also recall how exhausted I was during my pregnancy, and for about two years after. It was quite draining, creating a whole human, and then pushing it out, and then being it's only source of nourishment for a year. After we stopped breast feeding, it took over a year for my body to feel like myself again. While my b-feeding hormones were in, I felt dopey, stupid, forgetful, sleepy, and was very dry (YKWIM).

I was also very mixed up, hurt, guilty and resentful about having to go back to work. That had not been our plan.

"As for her load, I stay at home during the day and babysit and take care of the house right now. She does none of that stuff." What does this mean? She can't do "that stuff," not while she is at work. Does she work because she loves her job? It sounds like she is over-tired. She is already away from the baby for a lot of hours every day, and will feel like a lousy mother if she spends even more hours away so that she can have a date night. I know you feel it's important, but it sounds like she's got mommy-guilt BIG TIME. Does she? Perhaps she doesn't want strangers doing the job that all her instincts tell her she should be caring for. That drive to be with your infant every moment, and to hover, and to be in charge of everything to do with the baby - it's an incredibly strong urge in many women. So strong that we drive everyone else up a wall, LOL! The urge is strong - like the desires of a person who has had nothing but dry bread and water for a week - like the urge of a man who hasn't had good loving for a month - it's pretty hard to hear your husband tell you you are being silly when your lower brain is screaming, "stop leaving that baby."

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2003
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 11:18pm
Wow, I think my husband could have written your post.
Photobuck