Sex Starved: Low libido excerpts...

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Registered: 07-20-2006
Sex Starved: Low libido excerpts...
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Wed, 08-15-2007 - 4:25pm

Hi folks,


Here are some excerpts from The Sex Starved Marriage; By Michele Weiner Davis. This is some

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Registered: 02-21-2003
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 5:00pm

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I must admit I feel this statement misses the mark in an important way. I continue to believe that LL generally has little to do with "inadequate stimulation," but with something about the MENTAL REPRESENTATION of (and thus, physical response to) that stimulation. In other words, if the IDEA of (say) being touched on the breasts doesn't arouse you, the fact of it won't either. To put it still another way, some people are wired in such a way that the usual sexual stimuli have little effect, not because of anything wrong with their hormones, nerves or blood flow, but because of the way their brain circuitry has developed. It's hard to explain exactly what I mean, but it's my theory and I'm sticking to it!

F.

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Wed, 08-15-2007 - 5:46pm
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Registered: 02-06-2007
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 5:58pm

>>>> Problems with arousal. Women experiencing sexual arousal
>>>> disorders do not feel excitement or pleasure when sexually stimulated.

>> I must admit I feel this statement misses the mark in an
>> important way. I continue to believe that LL generally has
>> little to do with "inadequate stimulation,"

Freelancemomma, your comment reminds me of a woman that I knew. Orgasms brought no pleasure to her. She would have physiological responses to arousal, such as lots of vaginal wetness and erect nipples. She also definitely had orgasms. She described them as very intense, but it was a neutral feeling emotionally. She would have one orgasm and she was done, just like a male orgasm. There was zero pleasure involved, either emotional or physiological. She insisted that she experienced no sexual trauma during childhood, but I've wondered about that.

Edit: Likewise, she had zero sex drive.




Edited 8/15/2007 6:00 pm ET by dr.revel
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Wed, 08-15-2007 - 6:09pm

...and that's EXACTLY why I made sure to say that these excerpts were only a PORTION of what she had to say on low desire levels. Have you read the book, FLM?


Of course these things aren't going to apply to everyone, but I think she's on to something with SOME people. If every time I had sex it hurt, I would avoid it to. If every time I had sex I couldn't orgasm, I'd start to avoid it...in fact, it's already starting to happen now. My husband being LL just isn't able/willing to explore my body or do anything that stimulates ME. He wants to "get in, get 'er done an get out" plain and simple. I haven't orgamsed with him in about 6 months.


SOME LL has everything to do with stimulation, while some does not. Heck, some folks have no desire because they've been abused as children, some it's because of pent up resentment, others it's because they're cheating...etc, etc. So, this doesn't go into THAT per se because it's only this small portion of the whole.


Also, there are certain area's of your body that are SUPPOSED to be designed for stimulation and when they aren't, than there may be an issue because you have to ask yourself at that point, "OK, so what part of me CAN be stimulated then?" If there is no part of you that can be sexually stimulated than what? Add that to the fact that we are truly all wired differently. Some folks go NUTS when their lover blows in their ear, while others still say "EWE, stop!" LOL. I think HER point is that it's imperative to learn what DOES stimulate your partner.


I hope that makes sense. But see, that's exactly why I included that the excerpts would only cover a PORTION of the whole on what she has to say on it.


Elyse

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Registered: 02-21-2003
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 9:29pm

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Yes, that's exactly what I'm talking about. It's not the actual sensation, the physical stimulation, that produces the arousal, but the CONNOTATION of that stimulation for the person. Person 1 may have eroticized the ear (for whatever reason), while person 2 may find ears slightly repulsive (again, for whatever reason). So person 1 may get to the brink of orgasm from having a partner blow in her ear, while person 2 will have no physiological arousal response, even though the blowing sensations they feel are exactly the same.

F.




Edited 8/15/2007 9:49 pm ET by freelancemomma
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Wed, 08-15-2007 - 9:38pm

<>

Actually, that's not really what I'm talking about. I'm talking about a lack of PHYSICAL arousal due to a lack of EROTIC MEANING of a certain activity. I come back to my example of a homosexual, high-libido man being deep-kissed by an attractive woman. He won't get aroused (physically). If he's kissed by an attractive man -- exact same lip and tongue movements -- he'll get aroused. So it's not, in fact, the "physical stimulation" that produces the arousal, but the connotation, or sexual meaning, of that stimulation. I'm saying that for LLs, the usual sexual stimuli don't have a strong erotic connotation in the brain (for whatever reason), so don't produce the expected physiological response. Whew.

F.

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Thu, 08-16-2007 - 12:36pm

**NOTICE**


My purpose for posting this excerpt was merely to share one PART of a whole idea. To truly grasp the ENTIRE thought and the other thoughts attached thereto, one would need to visit their local library and check the book out themselves and read it. It is called, "The Sex Starved Marryiage: A Couple's Guide to Boosting Their Marriage Libido." By Michele Weiner Davis.


This post was not intended to refute or accept any ONE idea, merely to share a possibility. We're all looking for possible answers and I felt opening up this door would truly be helpful.


One should keep in mind, their situation is individual to the people involved-but the generalizations refer to the "typical" possibilities. Some HL's are an exception, some LL's are the exception, not the rule.


For me personally, I am married to someone who DOES react to certain stimuli-but only when he's of the mindset to accept it, otherwise I get whapped away.


The author does go on to indicate other possible causes for low desire...some of them are; motherhood, childbirth, menopause, medication, illness, depression, unhealthy substances, sexual/physical/emotional abuse as a child, body image, poor self esteem, grief over loss, midlife crisis, fatigue, stress, relationship issues, cultural or religious expectations, lack of forgiveness, etc, etc. So, as you can see-it's a wide spectrum with many possibilities.


In the excerpted portion that I posted-at that point, the author was merely pointing out that SOMETIMES low desire is the result of their not being stimulated correctly. That was but one possibility. Each situation varies, what applies to you/your situation, may NOT apply the same to another.


However, the idea is to get us all thinking. That's all. :) We have a lot of HL folks asking for answers from LL people, and we have few that actually post regularly. So, I just wanted to start the engine so to speak. We are all different, so my reasoning for being HL won't be the same as anothers-same goes for LL. Hope that clarifies.


Elyse