sexless marriage causing problems

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2006
sexless marriage causing problems
14
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 4:44pm
I am a 40 year old professional male who has been married for seven years. Ever since my wife gave birth to my first child, we have two kids, she has all but lost any sexual desire. Over the past few years, we have had sex less than six to ten times a year. Worse, is the fact that she really is not very romantic or appreciative. Lately, she spends most of her time on the computer at night, playing stupid games or instant messaging friends and family until 1 or 2 pm. I feel like I am alone in my own house. I do love her, more than anything in my life, but lately my frustation with the lack of attention, romance and lovemaking has been taking its toll. I am especially frustrated in that she says she understands the problem but has never sought counselling, read any books or information on low libido, and generally has done nothing to help rekindle her desire or her attention towards me. I am not sure what to do. She never pays me a compliment, never gives me a hug or a romantinc embrace, never makes time to sit with me and cuddle watching tv...I am trying the best I can to supress my frustration but when it erupts is is hard to control. I cannot play with her hair, kiss her neck or in any way display my affection because she says it is too much prerssure. The thought of living the next 40 years of my life like this is difficult at best. What advice can you giove me ladies. Respectfully. Dan.

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Avatar for ladyroberts
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 7:01pm

My first thought and the thing that throws up a red flag is get her off the computer at night.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2003
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 11:11pm

Who is she playing games and chatting with all night? This is a huge red flag. It is possible she is having an affair with someone she has met online.

Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 12:12am

Why don't you get a second computer and put it in the same room as the other. Get a hub and that way both computers can be plugged into the internet. Now you can be in the same room together.

Also, if she is playing games all the time, maybe you can look at porn all the time. If she asks why, then you can tell her, "well, I aint getting any here with you now am I?" Ah..., if you do that, you probably won't get laid for the next decade. But hey, if you can do it real nice-like, it could happen.

See if you can do walks together as a family every night. Get her more active!

Also, for some sympathy release, try listening to Tom Leykis on the air.
www.blowmeuptom.com for air times.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 11:21pm

Hi Dan..sorry to hear of your situation. I am in the same boat as you. Not a fun boat, I know. I agree with the previous posters that the late nights on the computer is a red flag....just something to look into. I also agree that counseling for the both of you, might shed some light on things. (I can fully understand the resentment boiling over into other parts of the marriage.) Ask her to do it for the kids, because they are the ones who pay in the end.

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2006
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 3:57pm

Dan, you're too dang respectful and patient. If I were in your shoes:

"Listen, I understand that you're facing a few issues. At the same time, this can't continue. Let's get into counseling and get this problem solved. If it can't be solved, we have no future. Simple as that."

Oh, and I'd mean it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2006
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 8:21pm
hi, i was on looking for an answer to my question and i can across your.. see i feel like your wife feels.....my husband and i are married 5 years and have a 10 month old ( our first) and since i was pregnant i HAVE NO DESIRE...we have been fighting like crazy lately because my husband holds anger in and then it explodes. There is no desire to be with him.. not in a bad way , i just wuold prefer to sleep. i thought about seeing a doctor maybe its something hormaonal.anyway i am sorry i didnt help you at all. but just know your not the only one. i just read that i have to force myself to be sexual in order to get back in the swing of things...theres an article "5 things that will ruin your love life"on this website,, it really just opened my eyes to what i am doing wrong and what i have to do. maybe you can print it out and leave it for her to read...........hope things get better
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2006
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 10:37am
I would like to thank all those who responded, especially te ladies who have a unique perspective in this. I am torn between trying to be firm and force the issue and understanding, patient and not making her feel pressured. I have suggested that she and us go to counselling but she does not waht to talk about her sex problems in front of others. I have suggsted sex without intercourse in order to stoke the fire but that does not seem to be appealling...it is hard for me to understand how someone so sexual before marriage can be so asexual now. we used to enjoy a fairly frequent sex life ansd she enjoyed my build and size; now it is zero. Our kids are not a constant attention grabber..one is in school full time, the other part time...so she is not home all day with two toddlers....my take on all this is that if you do not use it (sex drive) you lose it....also, this is for the ladies, is it too much to ask or hope for her to manually pleasure me if she is not willing to make love....to me that would be a sign that she cares and is trying...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 2:28pm

"also, this is for the ladies, is it too much to ask or hope for her to manually pleasure me if she is not willing to make love....to me that would be a sign that she cares and is trying..."

You hit the nail on the head. It is all about wanting to make the other person happy. Isn't that what marriage is supposed to be about? There should also be that willingness to fix whatever problems arise. She knows what the problem is, so why not go to counseling to help fix things, especially when the two of you had a good sex life before. Same with DH and myself. He knows exactly how I feel. But then it just stops there. There is NOOO effort to make up for what is missing. It is not just about "the sex act" itself. It is about feeling desired, wanted and loved and the passion. I am at home with an almost 2 year old all day and I have my hands full with my 13 year old and run a little consulting business from home and still I found the time to WANT to spend with DH. That has all but ended because he has brushed me away so many times that now we are like room mates.

So I whole-heartedly agree with you that she should at least put some effort forth to give you a sign that she cares and is trying. It sounds like from your post you feel like she doesn't care. That's the point that I am at with DH.

Good luck and keep us posted and if you find the magic answer to all of this, do share!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2006
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 4:30pm
my husband asks the same thing! i wish i could give you a direct answer,a s i wish someone would give me............i love myt husband with all my heart, but sex is just not an issue for me. i could live without it... no desire! i came up with a soltion for us... i promised my husband we will try sex once aweek now.. ( he wants it the way it used to be) i told him we can try something "new and different" once a week...of course he was excited but for me I have to force myself to be less insecure , after 5 years of marriage.. i have to remember he loves me for me and i cnat worry about what i look like or how stupid i feel.
try taking your wife out to a dinner and have a glass of wine ( which helps me with the shyness) and romance her a little take it slow... dont expect a wild night of passion the first time( i tell my husband this) your sex life cant change overnight to the way it was...
hope this helps keep me posted as i will do as well
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2003
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 5:13pm

r5496, I hate to hijack the original poster's thread, but there are some facts that both you and your husband seem to lack. This isn't surprising, given that for some reason completely unfathomable to me doctors just don't tell people these things. So, here is a c&p from myself to another poster with the same issues you mention.

This is c&p'd from my response to another poster, so forgive anything that doesn't pertain to you specfically. The libido part is what I was mostly going for, and have typed this so many times I just give up and now copy it. Seriously, I DO NOT understand why doctors don't discuss this with women...ergh.

1. Just because your body is physically able to again have sex after birth doesn't mean your drive will be back. Along with all the other changes in your body brought on by pregnancy and childbirth, the breastfeeding/milk-producing hormone, Prolactin, is directly linked to low libido. This is, the theory goes, so that a women is less likely to get pregnant again soon, thus ensuring that she will not be splitting resources between too many children so each child has a better chance of survival. This is left over from the hunter-gatherer days, most likely, but that really isn't the point. The point is that it kills libido, and this is not unusual or psychological. It's physical, it's normal, and it often lasts for up to 6-9 months after a woman stops PRODUCING MILK. There is no known way to counteract it while breastfeeding, and it's only treated with testosterone therapy well after a woman stops producing milk if the hormone does not return to pre-pregnancy levels (which is unusual, but happens). Why doctors don't talk to couples/mothers about this is just frickin' beyond me...it's a scientific fact, it's normal, it's expected, and yet they tell these woman "you can have sex 6 weeks after birth." Well, technically, yes, but they know darn well that isn't the full story. They should include "but you may or may not want to." Again, ERGH.

2. If you're not interested, you're not likely to lubricate well. Lubrication is enhanced by more rapid blood flow to the vagina brought on by arousal, so if you're not into it, you're not going to be as wet. I dislike KY, too, but have you tried other brands? I prefer either Eros (silicon based, which may work well for you) or Astroglide (more slippery and doesn't dry as fast as KY). Eros you'll need to get at a lingerie/toy shop or online, but you can get Astroglide almost anywhere these days.

3. MOST new mothers aren't interested in sex. They're sleep deprived, which is a libido killer in and of itself. They are pawed at all day, and spend most of their lives dedicated to pleasing the needs of another person (I am not saying this is a bad thing, just the way it is). The last thing many want to do is feel obligated to please yet another person. Most new moms just want a bath and some sleep. As unfortunate as this may be, it is part of the first many months of childrearing for any mom who doesn't employ a nanny. Probably te biggest thing your hubby could do to boost your libido is take the baby, draw you a bath, and leave you alone for a while. Most men, unf, don't get this unless it's explained to them because they dont have a small life clinging to them all day, every day; so, it's hard for them to understand. Talk to him about it.

Talking to him and educating him about how the body works after childbirth may go a long way, esp. if you are willing to comprimise, too. Discussing that what you are feeling is normal, and it's not about him--it's just nature's (or God's, or whatever you believe--it all works the same in this case) way of making sure the baby gets what it needs--may be helpful to him. Partners often feel rejected when one person isn't interested in sex, and take it very personally. Let him know it's not personal. It's something that happens to many, many new moms and is an expected, normal part of pregnancy and childbirth that should diminish with some time. Perhaps there are other things besides penetration you can do to help keep intimacy in your relationship (oral or manual sex, for example) while your body recovers. Would he be willing to work with you on that?

Sorry if I seem harsh on the medical front here, but I just do not understand why doctors don't address this with their patients before, during and after pregnancy. It flumoxes me totally. They hear these same complaints daily, just as we see stories similar to yours so often on various boards. It's not rare--it's the norm. Some women have libido immediately after pregnancy, but they're in the minority. The body goes through so many changes, as does the psychy.

Hope this was helpful in some way. Let us know how things go.

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