Sexual aversion, need help...please

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Sexual aversion, need help...please
45
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 1:03am

Ok, I need help...I'm 30 years old, married, 3 kids, part time restaurant worker, part time student & I am desperately in need of relationship help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 2:01am
I don't have any advice other then talk to your PCP.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2007
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 4:50am

I know this would be very difficult, but if you can talk to your DH about this. Tell him you recognise something is not right. Tell him you would like to get help, that you would like to do something, anything, to help, I think it would help him immensely.

Actually acknowledging the problem and being prepared to work on it, together, would hopefully encourage him no end. From my own experience as an HL and reading posts of others here, the LL rarely is prepared to seek help, or even admit something needs to be done. The fact that you are here doing so speaks volumes.

I wish you all the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 7:52am

Hi Tired,

Greetings from a fellow LL. I too have had a low interest in sex for all my life, even though I'm able to have orgasms fairly easily.

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What's your best guess as to the reason for your current aversion?

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What are your DH's expectations of you? More participation, more initiation and/or more desire?

Freelance




Edited 11/28/2007 7:55 am ET by freelancemomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 8:00am

We've actually had many discussions about trying to "fix it" I do recognize that something isn't right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2007
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 8:12am

You can order a book from Amazon.com called Perfectly Normal, Living and Loving With Low Libido.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 9:55am

My best guess?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 10:06am
Thank you, I'll look into it :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 10:13am

Thanks for the detailed responses to my questions. I can see how anxious you are about the whole thing and how the pressure has caused you to withdraw still further. You're right, it's a vicious cycle.

I'm wondering if you might benefit from some of the "sensate focus" exercises pioneered by sex therapists/researchers Masters & Johnson. They were designed to reduce just the type of pressure you seem to be feeling. The idea is to engage in gentle, exploratory touching that you both agree will NOT lead to sex. You do this as many times as it takes for you to feel comfortable being touched (JUST touched) by your husband. Then, if you both agree to it, you can progress to some simple sexual activities (though not necessarily full-blown sex). In a similar vein, might it be possible for you to participate in your husband's sex life by "helping him out a little" while he masturbates? You could touch him (in the genital area or elsewhere) while he does it, and perhaps even take over the hand work for a minute or two? That would at least tell your husband that you're making an effort and may not be as difficult for you as actual sex.

If you try all these things and they just don't work for you, there's nothing dishonourable about parting ways. In the meantime I'd suggest you go slow and go easy on yourself! I can see you're doing the best you can, and you deserve plaudits for that!

Freelance

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2006
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 10:20am
From what I read you both need counseling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 10:36am

I tend to agree that would be helpful...but no, we're not military.

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