A Tease

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
A Tease
10
Tue, 06-30-2009 - 11:22am
I am the HL and my DH is the LL. We now have a 6 week old together. He has always been LL. Of course I did not know this before we were married. It has been one excuse after another from him. Sex was very rare before baby. Right after I gave birth he asked when we could DTD. Every day he would show me how "excited" he was, he would point out his erection and tell me how badly he wanted it. Everyday it would be the same thing. He was very affectionate as well, lots of hugs and kisses.He was not at all like this before that baby, in fact he was a total %$#@!%*() during my whole pregnancy. I said wow that's great but i think that you only act this way because you can not have it. He insisted that this was not the case. Well now we are able to DTD and guess what? Nothing!! I basically had to get him going and do all of the work, deep kissing which I love and can never get him to do.I hate initiating because of the high rate of being turned down.We DTD once last week, had to use a condom as I was waiting for my birth control to take effect.He claimed he could not ejaculate because of the condom. I helped him finish with my hand. It was great, I told him how much I enjoyed it. I wanted more, it had been so long since we could have sex without the belly in the way, Sex was very rare when I was pregnant too btw). After a few days of my begging we had sex again, no foreplay at all just the way he likes it, but I take what I can get.It was very short , which is ok, and again he did not come. He said we could try again later, I promise. He stayed up late playing video games ( we are both 31 so he's not a kid). I could care less what he does but it feels like he has time for games and not me. So after not having sex that night he passed on the promise to the next morning, and that did not happen either. That night he came to bed and said he wanted to. He said here it is come get it. Wow so thrilled . I said I don't want it.It kills my wanting when i get turned down repeatedly. No affection from him at all. I said he needed to get me in the mood. He gave me one peck of a kiss and thought that was good. I said that if he really wanted it then he could have at least tried to this he did nothing. It would not have been very hard for him to at least put forth some sort of effort. This upset me greatly. He ran away to sleep on the couch. the next day he asked what is wrong and I told him and his answer is to get over it. He does not want to talk about anything ever. He is seeing a therapist. He says he talks about sex with the therapist, so that leaves me in the dark. I said that he teased me for 6 weeks and that he has deeply hurt me and he does not care. I would do anything to make things work and make him happy but the lack of communication effects my ability to do that. Thanks for reading.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2009
In reply to: glitter4k
Tue, 06-30-2009 - 2:29pm

HI glitter4k,

Sounds like we are in the same boat. And the ML's thing is really frustrating. Unfortunately I can't offer you any advice as I can't fix my own situation, but I can offer support.

I'm glad you found this msg board because I think you will find a lot of help and support here. In the past couple of days of being on here it has really helped me to understand my situation and find ways to deal with it.

This is the first time I've found myself being the HL in a relationship and it's really tough on me. I like to be chased and feel desired all the time. So it's been really hard doing all the chasing and dealing with all the rejection. And I don't know about you but for me the more I get rejected the more I push away from the whole relationship. Because I can't separate the sex from the relationship. I think they are one, but I've been so wrong. I felt as if he didn't want me in his bed he didn't want me at all. For some reason I had it in my head that every guy wants sex all the time, And that's all they think about. I have come to realize there are a lot of guys out there who are not that interested in sex.

I totally understand where you are coming from when you talk about all the time he has for other things but not for you. I deal with that constantly. He has the time to hang out with his friends, sit on the computer, etc.... but he doesn't have time for me? I feel like this is the highest form of rejection for me. Because when we can get a sitter and have time alone he wants to go out and party or hang with our friends instead of having a nice romantic, intimate evening with me. So I feel like he's choosing his friends over me. I want him to say you know what tonight I'm gonna take you out to a nice dinner and then we're gonna spend some "real" time together, no instead i get let's go get pizza and beers with the guys! How romantic. I swear if he ever told me let me go wine and dine you and then have sex I'd probably die of shock...LOL!

Well once again I'm glad you posted here and I'm sorry I couldn't offer any advice but I can definitely relate to what your going through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
In reply to: glitter4k
Tue, 06-30-2009 - 3:00pm

If he is truly low libido, there isnt much you can do to change the fact that he isnt a chaser, he isnt going to constantly come on to you and be aggressive in bed if that isnt what he truly feels.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
In reply to: glitter4k
Tue, 06-30-2009 - 3:52pm
Thanks irene. You sound a lot like me.I understand what you are saying all to well.I always want to spend time with DH but it always feels like he does not want to spend time together. I have been so used to men in the past always wanting it. It was never a problem before.Which makes me beat myself up all the time now.Not sure how many times I have heard the it's not you it's me excuse. DH is a total workaholic. I'm home alone all day long. We never spend time alone together anymore. The communication just is not happening. I have said what i would like and he says ok but he doesn't make any changes. I feel that I have compromised and try not to be even slightly demanding. Going through 6 weeks of teasing was terrible but the rejection once again is by far worse. Thank you for responding, I am going to a therapist ASAP too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
In reply to: glitter4k
Wed, 07-01-2009 - 3:57pm

<<<>>>>>

His interest MAY actually have been genuine. A lot of LL's put tremendous pressure on themselves to "rise to the occasion", even though they may verbally say that the HL is pressuring them.

The fact that sex was not an actual option immediately after your pregnancy, having that pressure removed for him, may have actually fired up his libido a little bit. So while his interest may have been short lived, it might also have been quite honest.

Bit of my own experience here:
My wife and I are currently in counseling. FINALLY my wife has admitted to herself (and out loud) that it is NOT me putting "all this pressure" on her. That she's doing it to herself.

As an experiment, the counselor suggested "taking sex off the table" until our next appointment. I reluctantly agreed since, well....let's face it, 2 weeks without sex is nothing new to me anyway.

The end result was that my wife was noticeably more physically affectionate. Tighter hugs, longer kisses, more cuddling up to me at night. (It IS possible she was just forcing herself to be more affectionate to prove a point, but we both agree that we are at a point now where anything less than 100% honesty will have tragic results, so I have to accept that her affections were genuine)

To spite the lack of sex (and it was no longer a dry spell than normal anyway) it was actually a VERY enjoyable two weeks for me. I got all the physical affection I seem to need. She enjoyed the closeness, as well as the improved "mood" around the house that resulted.

Two weeks later at our next counseling session she told the therapist how much more relaxed she was. How much more she enjoyed physical closeness. How much more often she found herself "in the mood" without the "anxiety of having to maintain it".(??) Sounds like progress, right? Guess what happened on day #15...her physical affections tapered off just as quickly as they began. (apparently the pressure was back)

I know this doesn't really help your situation, but hopefully it might give you a glimmer of perspective on your husbands seemingly fake interest....and as many people here will tell you, any genuine understanding of our partners 'thought process' on this awful ML situation can only help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: glitter4k
Wed, 07-01-2009 - 6:39pm

To NJ Taltos-- That's interesting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
In reply to: glitter4k
Wed, 07-01-2009 - 9:44pm

<<I have a naive question, which will probably get lobbed right back at me. What about showering together? In my extensive experimental group of one, guys are very easy to make happy with some slippery soap and a little personal attention.>>>

Interesting questions, most of which I have answers for.
I'll pre-face by saying that after a total of 10+ years with my wife, and only a few months of formal marriage counseling, I (and apparently WE) have come to the conclusion that that she's not strictly "low libido" so much as "low arousal" or "high anxiety/easily distracted".

PERFORMANCE ANXIETY:
I've never noticed any timidness or lack of confidence. She is surprisingly "bold" about asking for what she wants, and quite firm about what she's not ready to try. (once she gets going)
I've been both "the guy who hasn't gotten laid in a month" and "the guy sitting funny because his girl left scratch marks up his thighs and butt"

SHOWERING TOGETHER:
(why would we lob that back at you?)
If we happen to be away somewhere staying in a hotel with a nice big shower, she's all for it. At home her practical side wins out and she tells me "Our shower is too small". (we actually have a bathroom remodel on 'the list' for other reasons, but it's ages away at this point)(we own a historic house well over 100 years old, indoor bathrooms, let alone showers, didnt even EXIST when the first few sections of the house were built)

MY CONCLUSION (so far):
Based on years of living together, and lots of those "brutally honest" talks and therapy sessions.

1) She's generally an anxious person - she feels herself in "the mood" and her first thought is "but can I STAY in the mood?"(thanks for the vote of confidence babe)..."what if he wants SEX and I'm just in the mood to "fool around?"

2) She's apparently easily distracted, has A.D.D., or something of that sort.
Not long ago in a counseling session she told the therapist that only a day earlier I had come home from work, dove on the floor to play w/ our son and her first thought was "his ass looks great in those jeans!!".......immediately followed by "hmm, but the legs on them could be a bit longer".....then...."he needs a few new shirts for work"......then......"hmm, I wonder if Maceys has any sales coming up???" Sitting in the therapists office I thought back and it occurred to me that I had tried to initiate sex later that night AND SHE TURNED ME DOWN !!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
In reply to: glitter4k
Thu, 07-02-2009 - 11:27am

He stayed up late playing video games ( we are both 31 so he's not a kid). I could care less what he does but it feels like he has time for games and not me...It would not have been very hard for him to at least put forth some sort of effort. This upset me greatly...I said that he teased me for 6 weeks and that he has deeply hurt me and he does not care.


I feel a lot like you do in my marriage and I've focused on the above statements because they highlight your reaction to his sexual behavior, which is to take it personally and become hurt by it. If you are going to stay in this marriage and have any chance of not going crazy, I suggest you work on not taking his actions so personally.


He plays video games, not because he prefers them to you, but because he prefers them to sex. That's not a statement about you or his feelings for you, just his high comfort level with video games compared to his comfort level with sex. For him, sex does require effort and sacrifice and that "work" is not paid back often by the good feelings that sex grants.


The bottom line for me is this: If we want to stay married to an LL spouse that does not want to work on fixing the ML, then our only two options are to

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
In reply to: glitter4k
Thu, 07-02-2009 - 11:42am

I have a naive question, which will probably get lobbed right back at me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
In reply to: glitter4k
Thu, 07-02-2009 - 3:25pm
Thanks for some more insight as I can not figure out what is going on still, and he refuses to acknowledge that there is even a problem at all. To NJ, maybe his interest could have been there. For me as a woman there has never been a time that I have felt less attractive then after having a baby. I'm sorry but my DH laying on the compliments thick when I have not showered and smell like spit up just seems to not make sense. I still see his actions as a tease. I told him after he rejected me again that I was just going to forget about sex at all. That's when he wanted to "try" again and the result was zero effort from him. I seriously just gave up and he is the one to bring it back up. I wanted to just keep the peace. I do take his finding other activities very personal. I know I should not but I still do. I can and have tried just "going solo". But sadly for me this takes all of less than a minute to do and is just not satisfying. I want the closeness. I do not want the chase and did not encourage his advances when sex was not possible. Thank you for reading and responding.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: glitter4k
Thu, 07-02-2009 - 11:32pm

Not to ignore the OP, who has my sympathy.