update and question for HL?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
update and question for HL?
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 7:00pm

So do HL's ever get enough?

We had a nice lunch and what does he say when I leave? Oh, boy we can finish tonight for a few more hours.

The point of having a "lunch" was when I get home tonight I will be too tired to do anything else.

Yes, my daughter helps but it shouldn't be her job to pick up all the slack. What happens when she goes?

When she has too much homework to cook, she shouldn't have to. School should come first.

I would just like to state for the record that it is very discouraging to an LL to have their HL commit 2 seconds after "lunch," that they need to do another few hours. Especially when the HL knows the LL is stressed out.

So what do you guys think? If I offered an agreement of say 2 hours a week or twice a week, would that be enough? Or would it just be an opening for "oh, boy, let's do 7 days a week?"

I know you aren't him, but it would help to know what you guys think.

I am trying.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 8:34am

"So what do you guys think? If I offered an agreement of say 2 hours a week or twice a week, would that be enough? Or would it just be an opening for "oh, boy, let's do 7 days a week?"

Depends on the rest of the marriage. Maybe at the beginning, there might be a push for more but then again, if it might settle down to two a week. If the rest of the marriage isn't working, it will be hard to keep this working too. This would just a piece toward fixing the relationship issues. At least that is what I have experienced. I'm fine with twice a week though I could go more because my wife and I are generally very intimate with each other when we get together. That is what provides the overall satisfaction, for me anyways. Might not be that way with others.

Avatar for ladyroberts
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 11:45am

It all depends on how good lunch was and how long it's been since I last ate. If lunch was fun and exciting, I want more. If lunch was the same old Peanut butter & Jelly. I'm not going to ask for more.
When lunch is great, I let DH know I really enjoyed it and that I would like more but I know it just puts pressure on him. Which then has him hiding from me.

Just tell your DH, yes it was great but tonight isn't good for you but maybe later this week, we can do lunch again.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 3:13pm

Thank you for your willingness to adress this in a positive way. Many LL's try to ignore it like there's a possiblilty it will just "go away" if they do. Fat chance if you bounce around this message board a bit.

I would ask him specific questions as to what will satisfy him. If he is still young he may not yet know and it would take some trial and error. I asked my wife to initiate sex once a week because that is about when I feel unloved if she doesn't. Her respone was somewhat typical... "What is initiate to you?" HL's are laughing about now I know ;)

I tell her initiation is YOU coming to ME and starting sexual relations. She then asks.... "Okay, and what is sex to you?" Go on and laugh again all you HL's.

I respond that to me sex is (eventually) getting me erect, some moisture for lubricant, and stimulation of at least a few minutes or more (I usually take over for her about then which you can guess she does not mind).

I just wonder why all the questions from DW when there is no intent to act on them or make a change? Bless you for any willingness you have to accomidate :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 12:45pm

"So do HL's ever get enough?"

Great question. Speaking for just one HL, I can say I usually feel that I am in a state of deficit and need to catch up or fill up (especially on an emotional level), if that makes sense. I don't think I could sustain the 2-3x a day for more than a couple of weeks but DW never decides to get me caught up - then keep it going to see where I level out. So I suppose she would say this animal she lives with never gets enough and the 2-3x a day would be impossible for her to maintain on a continual basis.

I do know that 12 years ago when I got all I wanted once a day was usually sufficient. Occasionally, on holidays or vacations, that would increase. If I had to guess where I would level out at age 44 vs 12 years ago, I would go with 5x a week?

The rub is we HL's can only guess due to the dynamics we suffer in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 1:48pm

Yeah, it's possible for most of us to get enough. Enough, though, is different for each and every character out there and changes as the years pass. When I was first married, I think I could have gone for the proverbial once-a-day and twice on Sunday's. Instead, we did twice or three times a month and never on Sunday's as a 'compromise'. As the years passed my desires reduced and hers dropped as well. Eventually we 'compromised' at almost every month. I say 'compromised' simply because it was a non-verbal understanding as she would not discuss the matter with me. Under any circumstances. Period. Seriously, don't go there or it's gonna get ugly. Well, not really. more like a few days of the silent treatment. Anyway, back to our story ....

After 20 years now we are still on her schedule but sadly, at least for the moment, she decides when and where. It's not that I don't want, it's that I don't need the stress of trying to decode when she's interested and when she's not. So it's on her schedule. Almost every month. Even when I don't 'need' it. Really.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2006
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 3:58am

For me it's an ebb and flow thing. Some weeks I don't know that I could ever be satisfied, other weeks: a few times a week would be OK. It kind of depends on what else is happening in our lives.

And as LR pointed out, the quality of the sex is important too. After "pity sex", let's just say I am not quite as hungry for another lousy meal for a while.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 6:42am
*After "pity sex", let's just say I am not quite as hungry for another lousy meal for a while.*

Yup, definitely know where you're coming from on that one. 3 days of begging for it, followed by mercy sex on the 4th day, doesn't exactly leave me feeling wanted and desired.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 12:50pm

<<*After "pity sex", let's just say I am not quite as hungry for another lousy meal for a while.*>>

I understand where you're coming from, but do you see how this puts LLs in a bind? Damned if we do and damned if we don't. You HLs don't just want sex from us, you want us to want it. Unfortunately there is no reliable formula for getting someone to want sex. LLs sense that the sex they CAN provide may not be satisfying to the HL, which (in my opinion) is a big part of the reason LLs may shut down even further.

As I've stated many times, the tragedy of ML relationships is that, deep down, the HL wants something the LL cannot provide.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 9:38pm

So if I give up, figure out a way to have sex even though I am exhausted and just feel like it is yet another responsibility. Get him to believe it was great enough that he wants more on the same night, then that is pity sex and he isn't really happy with it?

Geez guys, way to make me feel like there is a compromise that would make us both happy.

And ok, half the time he can't get it up, so I suppose that is because of me too right?

Well, I do think that is half the reason I half dread trying. When it works it is great. When it doesn't it makes him angry and resentful. It makes me feel frustrated, incompetent and ugly.

I can't get him to go to the doctor either to see if they can help him be more consistent.

I admit I am LL, but I am trying. Why don't HL's see that, and try to meet us halfway. Why is it all on us to change? I asked what would be a good compromise for you all, and what I got leads me to believe there isn't one?

For me, in another post I read all I give is McDonald's and he wants gourmet, but shouldn't he have to meet me halfway and figure out how to give me gourmet as well?

Why is it all about him?

Oh, and for those of you who posted and tried to give me reasonable answers on what would be enough thanks, that advice did help. Maybe consistency could be the key.


Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 10:20am

If he can't be bothered to go to the doctor to deal with his ED, then I see no reason you should make any effort to deal with the frequency mismatch. He is the one who is unhappy. He should be willing to make an effort to address every aspect of the situation.

I would tell him that. If he is too proud or too ashamed or too anxious or too afraid to go to the doctor, then how the heck can he expect you to overcome your hesitancy and have sex with him? Why is it your job to protect him from his hangups? Because you guys are married? Well, if marriage means you should be helping him then why doesn't marriage mean he should be protecting you? ED is often a symptom of serious problems such as heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, etc. If he loves you, why isn't he rushing to the doctor to get himself checked out so he can be healthy and live with you for a long time?

When you see it coming, duck!