Variety

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Variety
37
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 1:33pm
DH and I had an interesting conversation the other night about variety and his need for sexual “variety”. As we were talking I had to remind him, that between the two of us I am really far more adventurous. I will go to any restaurant once, try any new food at least once, see different plays movies ect. And he typically wants to go to the same restaurants, and when we go out to eat, he always orders the same thing.

It took me years to get him to go golfing with me, and he is still hesitant to go to plays or the opera. But, in the area of sex he wants lots of variety. I don’t understand that, you would think that he would be the one that liked the “comfortable” and I would want the “novel”. And to some degree I do, but I don’t feel it is necessary or even desirable to invest hours of time and hundreds of dollars to be able to have sex differently, especially since in reality the sex is the same.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
In reply to: tiptoeingaround
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 3:20pm

Wow! That's a viewpoint I wouldn't have thought of that makes perfect sense. Everything that DH likes about sex is the ego stroke, if this is true (and I suspect it is.)

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
In reply to: tiptoeingaround
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 3:38pm

So, the answer is what....less stroking of his ego? Because honestly, I could do without another romp in the car that leaves me laid up with a heating pad for two days.

Maybe all I need to do is wait until he gets tired of paying for the chiropractor and massage therapist. ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
In reply to: tiptoeingaround
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 3:45pm

The answer might be to find some OTHER way to stroke his ego. I've tried this, and it never worked for me, but we all know what an impossible butthead my DH is, so it might work with someone less cranioanal.

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
In reply to: tiptoeingaround
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 3:57pm
Ah, but how to do that without seeming like the ditzy sorority girl that sits behind me in Chem? She keeps up a running litany of "Oh, Bret you're so wonderful. You're so strong" ad infinitum.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
In reply to: tiptoeingaround
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 4:04pm

I know, I know I know. It's difficult. And if you aren't stroking the PART of his ego that needs stroking it won't work. And if he doesn't think you BELIEVE what you are saying/doing, it won't work.

I think it is as likely for your DH that he is looking for excitement to take the place of the passion that you aren't feeling/demonstrating. Either he thinks that the right level of novelty and excitement will cause you to FEEL that passion, or he is just looking to replace that vague thing he is missing (probably not even doing this consciously) by upping the variety factor.

I do think that it could be the ego stroke for my DH though. He's actually veryveryvery insecure.

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
In reply to: tiptoeingaround
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 4:07pm

I think what strokes a man's ego is not so much the smile, the 'yes dear,' or even the follow through on those two but

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
In reply to: tiptoeingaround
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 4:13pm

Actually I never had a problem with the genuine submissive attitude behind it, until DH pretty much proved to me over and over that he couldn't be trusted with that power.

roo and snowy siggie
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: tiptoeingaround
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 4:15pm

It never ceases to amaze me how little women understand about male sexuality.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
In reply to: tiptoeingaround
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 4:21pm

Oh, I get it pretty well, Hold.

I knew that my DHs desire for sex was largely ego driven, I just didn't get that his drive for the new, bizarre and kinky was driven by that.

When I was HL and single, sex for me was all about the ego stroke. Knowing I could get any guy I wanted, the power I had over him to turn him to a quivering pile of mush with just my mouth, etc, etc. This was the first thing to "leave the building" for me with DH. He is not vocal, demonstrative of his pleasure or easy to please. Once I had "gotten" him, there was NO further ego stroke to be had. This was the first brick in the wall that sealed up my libido, imo.

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
In reply to: tiptoeingaround
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 4:45pm

I am atypical in this I guess. Even if I were to sleep with Vin Diesel or another celebrity, I'm not one to brag about my "conquests". And I'm as happy with costume jewelry as I am genuine. I wear the gifts I'm given because DH likes me to wear them, not because I get any thrill from bragging.

I'm like this: DH and I had the high school band's equipment trailer wrapped with logo ect. We did it because we wanted to give the school something that they had been wanting but unable to fund. I explicitly told the band director and school administration that I did not want it released that DH and I had paid to have the work done. I wasn't doing it for publicity, so I didn't want any.

But, I'm learning that I am an odd bird, and I'm okay with that.