VEERRRYYY LOW LIBIDO

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
VEERRRYYY LOW LIBIDO
12
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 9:33pm
HI THERE, WELL FIRST OF ALL I AM 24 YRS. OLD BEEN MARRIED FOR 4 AND A HALF YEARS AND HAVE TWO BOYS 3 AND 1. I HAVE HAD THIS LOW LIBIDO SINCE I BEEN SEXUALLY ACTIVE. I KNOW STRESS PLAYS A BIG ROLE AND WITH MY TWO BOYS I HAVE ENOUGH. I JUST STARTED MY SECOND MONTH OF BIRTH CONTROL (LOESTRIN 24 FE) AND FOR ME THIS PILL HAS BEEN THE FIRST METHOD I USE OF CONTRACEPTION, SO I KNOW THAT BIRTH CONTROL HAS NO FACTOR IN MY LOW LIBIDO. I AM REALLY DESPERATE BECAUSE I LOVE MY HUSBAND SO MUCH AND I KNOW HE TRIES NOT TO PUSH ME IN DOING IT IF I DONT WANT TO BUT WE HAVE GONE TO DOING IT MAYBE 2 TIMES A MONTH. I REALLY DONT WANT TO BE LIKE THIS BUT I JUST DONT FIND THAT DESIRE TO DO IT. MY OTHER PROBLEM IS THAT IT HURTS A LOT AND THAT MAKES IT MORE UNDESIRABLE. I WANT TO KNOW IF THERE IS ANYONE WHO IS GOING THROUGH THIS OR KNOWS SOMEONE WHO HAS FIXED THIS TYPE OF PROBLEM. I DONT WANT TO BE LIKE THIS :( HELP.
Maria Miller

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 8:57am

How refreshing to hear from the LL partner here... welcome.

First, I would find the cause of your physical pain. If that could be eliminated, ask yourself what else you do in life that is not driven by some instinctual, effortless motivation but is nontheless beneficial to your life (laundry, changing the oil in your car, etc.) Sure, we would rather be really "into it," but trust me when I tell you this... if you fake it and never tell him, he will believe you desire him to the extent that you demonstrate.

YES, WE WANT IT THAT BAD! Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2007
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 8:47pm
Same thing here Sweetie! Except I am 23 and have no children! I've never been one to want it all the time. The worst part is that when I was younger i did do it more, more so he would still want me, stupid idea. Now he does less and less around the house and seems to get more and more upset with me when I don't want to. I'm so frustrated, if you figure anything out, let me know!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2007
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 9:36pm
Well I am 35 with two kids (5 & 3), a very patient husband and no sex drive at all. I was recently tested by my doctor. Evidently I have low testosterone and that it can contribute to my low libido. My doctor feels that the side effects for testosterone therapy to increase my testosterone out weighs the low libido. She also told me that the birth control pill can depleate libido as well. My Husband has had a vasectomy so additional pregnacies are not a worry so I have opted out of going back on the birth control pill.
I am glad I am not alone and so should you. I have also lost 30 lbs thinking that it was the additional weight that has made me feel less desirable but with my smaller size I still would rather watch TV or go to bed. My children are great sleepers so exhaustion is not an issue either. I stay home with my children so "my job" is not a factor in my situation.
I am really at a loss as to why I am like this and I am just thankful that my husband is patient but I always wonder how long the camel can go without water. And if the camel does need water, will I have the water he needs before he finds a new watering hole (please excuse the pun... as I write this I realize how bad this sounds).
Please stay positive and I hope that if there is someone out there that can help you, I may be able to benefit from your support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2007
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 4:23pm
Well I finally feel like I'm not totally alone after reading some of these post, I'm 27 been married for 6 years and have been with my husband almost 11(yes I know scary lol). I have 2 girls 6 and 4 and they are great kids and good sleepers too. But for some reason my libido has really sucked over the past year or 2. I recently in the past year took a full time job and have lot on my plate which could be part of it. It's very frustrating to be so tired at the end of the day and have no drive to please myself or my husband and I say me and my husband because I feel that it’s not just the man who gets the short end of the stick but the woman too (which I think a lot of woman don’t think about that). I feel so bad for my husband and myself because I feel like I'm cheating both of us out of a great sex life. I recently made an appt with my Gyno because I have been having very bad periods as of late, which causes very bad PMS symptoms for a week before my period and then I have my period for a week!! So need less to say that put a damper on things. I'm hoping that my doctor can shed some light on all of this. I also think that woman sometimes lose sight of what pleases them sexually I know I'm a victim of that I use to please myself alone often and now can't remember the last time I did that!! I also wanted to share some things with you that I have found to help me and may help you. I found if I prep myself during the day that when it comes time to do it later I’m more in the mood. For instance I have read dirty books during the day, sent my husband naughty txt messages, and even gone as far as going to work with no underwear and a skirt on just to try and get a rise out of myself!! Which I must say was pretty fun, you just have to stick with it which can be hard when work makes stress you our or the kids are being crazy. I know that my husband is everything I could ask for he to is very patient with me but I know he needs me as much as I need him. I'm going to go to my doctors and see what he says and hopefully take that information and apply it my sex life along with the other things I have learned. I think the best piece of advice I could give anyone is to indulge yourself in your spouse as much as possible that’s what they are their for, to listen to you, to please you, be your friend and lover. Because in all reality nothing else really matters but the love and intimacy you share with that one special person. I hope my words will help you because I know yours have helped me!! Thanks again and good luck :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 4:12pm
About the pain thing. I have that too. I recently went to see a specialist about it and he gave me an ointment for it. He said it was the vulvular glands that were inflammed after giving birth that lasts until you take care of it. The cream has helped but if it doesn't go away there is a simple procedure to cut out part of the gland. Supposedly he does these all the time for women with this problem. Hope that helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 8:54pm

Wow, the things you can find on the internet. Just the kind of discussion I was looking for. Ok, I, also, have no libido. Mine feels like it is physical and psychological. I had a very normal upbringing, nothing "bad" happend, I just have always had this hang up about sex. HOwever, I also have NO desire. My poor husband. He is so patient, I love him so much, we have an absolute wonderful marrage, except for this one, big, part. We finally had sex last night, and, well lets put it this way, we pretty much forgot what we were doing. Poor guy, I have a 20 month old, and that was the second time we had sex since the baby was born <> I desperately want help. I am VERY interested in getting my hormones checked. However, we want to try to have another baby (I know, what to do! lol Fortunatly I am good at sex to concieve, well, at least tolerating it) and I don't want to do anything until after I am finished with having babies.

Last night was the last draw for me, I did not even like it a bit. Just the sound of the kissing made me uncomfortable. I need help!!!

I could go into this so much more, but I will save it for another time.

Can somone help me? (re reading my post I sound like the worst wife!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 7:16pm
I understand your pain completely. I am 20 yrs old, and had my daughter in Sept. I stopped wanting to have sex about 1/3 of the way into the pregnancy. I though it was just hormonal but,I still have no desire. I could go months wihtout having sex and be fine. I feel horrible for my fiance because he has to beg me to have sex. He also says when were having sex it seems like I'm not enjoying it all. I'm usually not, because it is very uncomfortable. I feel like a horrible person because he believes my lack of desire is because I don't find him attractive any longer, but I just don't seem to enjoy sex.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 10:10pm

So, here we are, a group of woment 20's-30's, NO sex drive, but we love our husbands/sig others. What do we do? Where do we go? Is there a way to get a libido? What about when you never really had one?

So, now that we know we are not alone, I what to know what to do next.

My husband and I talk about it, it (fortunatly) isnt a serious problem in our relationship, but I dont want it to get to be one, and I dont want it to stay like this.
I want to be "normal"

Someone, HELP! Help these ladies and me with getting this worked out!!

-Whitney

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 11:05pm
We'll I would like to thank you all for your help. Sorry I couldn't get back earlier (my internet was down) but again thanks! My hubby and I have been fighting more than ever, and I know it's because hes sexually frustrated and I am not! But after reading these posts, I called him up and asked if he could go with me to my OB. I hope there is some help out there. I recommend that we all do that, so we wont feel like this anymore. If you feel pain while doing it, google Labiaplasty (I think because of childbirth this worsen for me). I hope it helps.
Maria Miller
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 8:50am

"So, here we are, a group of woment 20's-30's, NO sex drive, but we love our husbands/sig others. What do we do? Where do we go? Is there a way to get a libido? What about when you never really had one?"

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlclashing&msg=7914.5&ctx=0

This is a book that Dr. Z recommends to mothers to help try to bring back desire.

Here is another site also:

http://www.the-clitoris.com/f_html/fr_index.htm

Some women have to learn about becoming sexual, learning to relax for orgasms, how to have one. Dr. Z has mentioned that some of us, men and women, need to learn about sex, lovemaking, etc. It doesn't necessarily come natural. They have to work on ways to building desire. Others might have to learn to get past icky things, like smells, messy fluids etc and even just being touch in certain areas. Even if other thinks consciencously that something doesn't bother them, subconsciencously.

What I am founding out being middle age is that making loving or having sex is a conscience decision. The burning desire of my youth are gone. Now it is a choose to experience the wonderful feelings of this type of physical contact. If you don't the contact, then you make want to look for pyschological reasons as to maybe why you don't and maybe look for techniques that might help over come that. Fear of intimacy is a big thing in a lot of people and making loving to someone is a very intimate thing to do, where for others, it might just be a mechanical physical pleasure with no really relationship to love.

Stress is another factor. If you are so uptight about having sex 'or' showing intimacy, maybe trying to find ways to relax yourself, like trying yoga might help. The more stressed you are, the harder it is to enjoy. Enjoy again, maybe therapy might help or reading a self help book to provide possible avenues to investigate.

Bottom line if you aren't making love every week, there is a good chance your relationship is headed for trouble because for a good majority of the couples it's about intimacy. It's seems for many couples once things stop in the bedroom, it eventually stops outside bedroom too with passionate kisses, holding hands, hugging, snuggling, etc.

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