What else can I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2005
What else can I do?
9
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 10:57am

I would really love some advice from the HL people who are living/fighting with their LL partners. I'm not sure how to be heard anymore.

I've built up a big wall of resentment so me being the one to make the first move again is NOT going to happen - not until he starts meeting me somewhere along the way. We're getting married soon and this is really scaring me. We have a lot of stress in our live and I know it affects him but I feel that he's not doing enough to make this a priority.

What would you do to make sure it really hits home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 11:09am

Not get married, move out. That might be the biggest wake up call for him, then again, it might not have any effect at all. If this is so important, which is why you are here, you need to rethink about whether you should be in this relationship or not, because generally after marriage, it will get worse. In any relationship in general, the frequency gets less over time unless the couple works to maintain it.

Now looking at your other post, this may not even be close to a possibility as you have kids involved. You're getting ready to go to couples therapy I see, so that may or may not help. You need to bring out how you feel at the sessions so the therapist knows what he/she are dealing with. How you feel he puts no effort into the relationship. Hopefully this may help him to see the light. From what you describe on how he acts, he knows he's not trying hard enough to make the relationship work. Sounds like he is just trying to pacify you.

Good luck with the therapy. If this therapist doesn't seem to help, look for another one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2005
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 11:27am

Thanks for your input. We've been going to therapy and have been dealing more with the issues we feel stress us/him out enough to have an effect on us. To be honest though, he never really had a HL but it was definitely more than now. I'm just so mad about yesterday and to be honest, yes I think he just tries to appease me and that infuriates me. He will not even try to apologise or even say i'm sorry i made you feel unimportant or anything like that. He's so stuck on the fact that he be 'allowed' to watch 8 hours of football once in a while. LOL. Like he doens't even get it.

So now i'm not talking to him...i can't. He does funny things and is trying to make me laugh...this is his way of getting me to not be pissed off anymore and then he sweeps it under the rug and expects me to do the same which i'm not going to do anymore. He gets off (no pun intended) way too easy.

I can't go on NOT talking to him forever but I guess I just want him to be accountable for his actions for once.

Avatar for feelingalone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 11:41am

I agree with tryinghard, it only gets worse after you get married and will eventually become non-existant. You are lucky that he will go to therapy with you, my DH refuses to even see a doctor about it let alone a therapist. Hopefully it will help but don't get your hopes up as nothing will change unless he wants it to... and it sounds like he is very content to leave things as they are. (story of my life- no sex in the last eight years.... is that what you are prepared to live with??? )
Something to think about.

Forever optimistic

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 12:40pm

"We've been going to therapy and have been dealing more with the issues we feel stress us/him out enough to have an effect on us."

Bring it up as an issue as to why he can't make love to you. This is certainly having an effect on the "us" and definitely causing stress on the "us".

"I can't go on NOT talking to him forever but I guess I just want him to be accountable for his actions for once."

Understand because the way he does it tries to skirt any issues but is he the type of person who is never accountable his actions? I have meet people in my life here and there who blame everyone else but themselves for what may be happening to them. Is he's stressed out because he doesn't take want to take responsibility of things?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2005
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 12:47pm

probably...does this sound like someone who does that? see the email below from him and tell me what you think

"see you arent answering my calls today. I guess i should have expected that. I'm sorry that the day day didnt go as you wanted yesterday, but I tried twice to make things better. The night before, I suggested that we have fun while the kids were gone out. then again yesterday, i suggested that we have fun when I got home from dropping them off. i thought we could get together and have "an appointment" when i got home. whether it be 30 minutes, or hour or however long it took, i was not going to rush through to get back to footbal. I was just trying to make sure that we spent ssome of that kind of time together. But, it didnt really matter. You werent going to acceot anything I suggested anyways.

Regardless, i am sorry that I angered you and that the day's events made you upset.

I hope we can get past it and have fun tonight, we can have a nice dinner, then go to bed early and " do something"....but i know we wont...we will spend all night talking about yesterday..and in the end, yesterday will not have changed and today will be wrecked too.

love you...see ya later"

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2006
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 1:01pm

Take him up on his suggestion of a nice dinner and fun. The hard part for you will be to forget about yesterday, but to make progress you will have to. Accept his apology and move on. The past is the past, the future is what is important.

Supposedly makeup sex is really good. I wouldn't know as my soon to be ex-spouse (LL) never wants to makeup even when I apologize and say I was wrong.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2005
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 1:39pm

i am so tired of always being the one to make up or to forgive. I'm tired of always being the one 'wanting & needing'. It gets tiring.

So once again, I'm supposed to just brush all of this under the rug...let him think that it's ok to treat me this way.

i just have no trust in what he says...so i'm supposed to let down my guards and be all excited at the possibility of having sex with my husband like he's doing me a freakin favour.

yes this is very hard. My pride is taking such a blow - you cannot imagine

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2006
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 1:59pm

"i just have no trust in what he says...so i'm supposed to let down my guards and be all excited at the possibility of having sex with my husband like he's doing me a freakin favour."

No, you don't have to let your guard down at least not all the way. But, yes you do need to trust what he says. You lose the trust and you may as well start talking to the lawyers.

And whatever you do get it out of your head that he is doing you a favor. That will build-up resentment.

And yes I can image how hard this can be. Only one yes from my DW in the last 6 years. She even once called sex with me a duty she had just fulfilled. Now if he calls sex with you anything like a duty, RUN.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2005
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 2:11pm

he would never call it a duty but it's quite obviously more of a chore than a natural urge.

well thankfully we have a therapy session next week and i'm going to definitely put this back on top of the list. This alone brings out so many other issues that I bring into the relationship, like insecurities, mistrust and even feelings of rejection and abandonment. He doesn't get that even though I own these, the way our relationship is working also fuels the fire.

Thanks for all your input today...at the moment we're having a very heated email fight. LOL