When is it okay to gently say no?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
When is it okay to gently say no?
41
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 1:00pm

As many of you may know, DH and I have a "sex on demand" policy running for the past several months. And until now, this really hasn't been an issue, but here in the past week or so, DH has tried initiating when I'm very intensely absorbed in studying. I'm a university student, and I am at the point where I'm deeply into my major courses. It's tough, and I need to be able to focus on studying.

Is it okay to suggest a "rain-check" until the next morning? Or should I just drop the studying and oblige right then? I asked for a rain check the other day, and though he said he was okay with it, he seemed a bit frustrated. Is there a better way to do this, because I have to make decent grades. He knows how committed I am to getting my degree, and the decision for me to go back was a joint decision.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2009
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 1:23pm
Rain-checks are fine as long as your scrupulous about honoring them....While our ML is not that bad.... unfulfilled rain checks have become issues numerous times....the amount of annoyance/rejection follows a logarithmic growth pattern Day 1 = 1, day 2x = 4, day 3 = 9x, day 4 = 16x, day 5 = 25x, day 6 = Discussion of priorities.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 2:04pm
I am. And when I give a rain check I am explicit about the day and time which I would like to fill that rain check.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2008
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 2:10pm

Firstly, I feel everyone is allowed to say no once in a while. Sex on demand is a wonderful policy, but it cannot be rigid. While HLs hate to hear it - it IS your body and sometimes you will need to prioritize differently.

That being said, I think you should try to offer or initiate sex before you put your head down for studying. How would that work for both of you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 2:28pm

I disagree, muff-muff. I do NOT think she should have to offer him sex before she begins to study. I think she should sit him down and have a conversation confirming their mutual dedication to the completion of her education. Then she should explain that study time is "off limits" time. He should have enough dedication to the cause, and enough respect for her to leave her be when she's studying. Then she can simply announce that it is "study time" and be allowed to complete her tasks without guilt or pressure.

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2009
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 2:45pm
That's fine...but what if she is like my wife when she was going for her masters....Study till you crashed...nap in place....get to bed at 2 am. Mixed in with Tomorrows has to be accepting sex as a priority....To many unfulfilled tomorrows leads to marital issues, scheduling time for sex is better than brushing it off. Yes, it does all depend on willingness the partners to work together towards the common good.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2008
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 3:27pm
I don't think she HAS TO do anything.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 3:43pm

Sorry, over reacted there a bit. I just chafe at the idea that one partner should be responsible for "putting out a fire" that hasn't even started yet. And it chaps my hide to think that he can SEE she's studying, and thinks so little of that, that he would try to have sex then. I mean she's doing something that both of them claimed was IMPORTANT to them. So either he was lying about it being important, or he just doesn't give a damn what she's doing, he wants it, when he wants it. The only other option is he doesn't realize that what he's doing doesn't mesh with what he said or he doesn't realize she's studying. Which is why I advocated that little "sit down and discuss" and then her making an "announcement" when study-time commences. This rules out any sort of "I didn't realize" on his part.

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 3:46pm

Last night I visited my gf in her dorm and she had already warned me that she was super busy with school and most likely the only thing we could enjoy together was sleeping in the same bed with hopes of decent sex in the morning. I thought I would be fine with that but she was stretching her hips by

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 3:46pm

This is the kind of situation where you either build love or you tear it down.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 4:01pm

First, I am not allowed by DH to initiate sex unless I "want" sex and as a result will be enthusiastic in my participation. So, the idea of initiating a quickie before I begin to study is not an option, as I generally only want sex once a week or so and that's typically very late at night.

I was completely fine with sex first thing in the morning, and that in no way conflicted with my school schedule, the kids' schedules, or DH's work schedule. I have blocked out a couple of hours per day, both before he comes home from work and after dinner and the kids have gone to bed to study. What I am loathe to do is to start accepting initiation on his part while I'm attempting to study, and either it causes me to be up later studying or to begin to resent the sex on demand policy itself (and DH by default).

I just want to say, "I give you whatever you want, whenever you want 99% of the time, why can't I have this time to study? There are plenty of other times for us to have sex."

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