When is it okay to gently say no?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
When is it okay to gently say no?
41
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 1:00pm

As many of you may know, DH and I have a "sex on demand" policy running for the past several months. And until now, this really hasn't been an issue, but here in the past week or so, DH has tried initiating when I'm very intensely absorbed in studying. I'm a university student, and I am at the point where I'm deeply into my major courses. It's tough, and I need to be able to focus on studying.

Is it okay to suggest a "rain-check" until the next morning? Or should I just drop the studying and oblige right then? I asked for a rain check the other day, and though he said he was okay with it, he seemed a bit frustrated. Is there a better way to do this, because I have to make decent grades. He knows how committed I am to getting my degree, and the decision for me to go back was a joint decision.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2006
Mon, 09-20-2010 - 7:49pm

Miranda,



My exwife of 27 years ago was a sophomore in college and I changed teaching jobs so that we could get married and go to the school that she wanted to go to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Mon, 09-20-2010 - 5:38pm
Zejay is right. Not that DH expects me to "entertain" him per se.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Mon, 09-20-2010 - 4:53pm
...I think that tiptoeing's husband admitted that he sought sex sometimes when bored and since they have been going by a sex on demand (I am assuming without a "valid" reason necessary) then he's been getting it when bored...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 09-20-2010 - 4:49pm

Why is it okay to expect a person to provide sex because someone is "bored?" This is something I just don't get. When I am bored, I expect to have to entertain myself, I don't expect someone else to drop everything because I am "bored." This makes me crazy. It is a serious problem in my home. DH really is looking for a plaything, not a partner, and it drives me mad. It doesn't matter what I'm doing, or how important it is, if he's bored, I'm supposed to be available. It also happens when I am at work. He will call me while I am doing WORKING and be ticked off if I don't have time to entertain him.

WTF is up with this kind of mindset?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 09-20-2010 - 4:43pm

I am sure that is what he wants "all other things being equal".

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Mon, 09-20-2010 - 3:24pm
Yes, they are. Play acting is me fabricating desire that I don't really feel, and then attempting to pass that off as genuine desire. I am mentally present and participating when DH and I have sex, even if I'm not getting physical (sexual) satisfaction from that sex.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Mon, 09-20-2010 - 3:14pm

Okay, sorry.



I was trying to reconcile

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Mon, 09-20-2010 - 2:52pm
You said it better than I could.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Mon, 09-20-2010 - 2:46pm

Because that isn't what DH wants. I actually asked him about that this weekend, and it offended him (as I suspected it would). Here's his reasoning, if I am not there with him physically and mentally participating in the sex, then he feels disrespected. For myself, study requires focus, which I can't have if DH has me bent over the desk.

If it works for you and your GF, then that is wonderful. However, that particular option is not going to work well in my relationship with DH.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Mon, 09-20-2010 - 2:42pm
...I'm sorry, I know that you are involved with a young, sexual creature...I can comment from my standpoint only...I do not offer up a place for him to stick his penis so he can find relief...it's more than that for us...again, I can't speak for tiptoeing...I don't think my husband would want me to simply stick my ass in the air while I continue drying dishes or returning email...he prefers that I am a bit more engaged...

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