When is it okay to gently say no?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
When is it okay to gently say no?
41
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 1:00pm

As many of you may know, DH and I have a "sex on demand" policy running for the past several months. And until now, this really hasn't been an issue, but here in the past week or so, DH has tried initiating when I'm very intensely absorbed in studying. I'm a university student, and I am at the point where I'm deeply into my major courses. It's tough, and I need to be able to focus on studying.

Is it okay to suggest a "rain-check" until the next morning? Or should I just drop the studying and oblige right then? I asked for a rain check the other day, and though he said he was okay with it, he seemed a bit frustrated. Is there a better way to do this, because I have to make decent grades. He knows how committed I am to getting my degree, and the decision for me to go back was a joint decision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 4:25pm

I think you would be well served to proceed with what I suggested in my earlier message, if you feel this way: "I give you whatever you want, whenever you want 99% of the time, why can't I have this time to study? There are plenty of other times for us to have sex."

I agree that you are being generous and kind, and deserve to have some consideration, especially since you are doing something that you both agreed was important. I think this reeks of a HLs attempt to "push the envelope." For some HLs they feel a need to be assured of their place as the most important thing in the world. He wants to feel like he is more important to you than school. This is WRONG. If he really supports your attempt to get an education, he needs to knock it off!






Edited 9/17/2010 4:26 pm ET by mirandarr8
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2009
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 4:25pm
Sure, This is a cooperative effort. Setting an off limits time-out is fine. He shouldn't take advantage of your good nature either.....But I'd say talk about it....explain you need this block of time to study without interferance.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 4:52pm

First, I am not allowed by DH to initiate sex unless I "want" sex and as a result will be enthusiastic in my participation. So, the idea of initiating a quickie before I begin to study is not an option.



How is shakin' a little tail feather, or the myriad of other subtle seductions that women are capable of, initiating sex?



If he initiates the quickie, can't you be less 'enthusiastic' and continue your study related duties while he does his thing?



Sheesh, I sure don't miss that ML 'eggshell-dance.'

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 5:18pm

Hold, you do realize that I have a "sex on demand" policy with DH, right? For the last three or so months I've not said no to one single request for any sexual contact, with the exception of the rain check I asked for the other day. We have sex an average of once per day, with an occasional 2x thrown in. He is not being turned down or rejected more than I am saying yes.

I feel like I am trying to build love into the relationship, and normally I get most of my studying done before he and the kids come in from work/school. That being said, sometimes I have to study in the evening for exams or to write papers. I just don't want resentment to build on either side of the equation, because I love DH and want the marriage to be happy and healthy.

Glen, I'm glad that your GF likes that much variety. But I doubt I'd be able to focus much on either studying or the sex in that situation. Not to mention, my DH would be offended by my studying while we were having sex. That's not what he or I would consider welcoming or respectful, but that's just us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 7:02pm

I think this reeks of a HLs attempt to "push the envelope."



I have to agree. This jangles me a little. Why does it have to be while she's studying? I'll have to go back and check to see if this studying is expected to go on for years without a break. (Are you in med school, Tiptoe?) Or is this a ramp up to exams or mid-terms and will be over in a few weeks? This sex during studying feels like a test.



I cast my vote for the conversation that prescribed study hours are non-sex hours. Now, if this is how it's going to be for the next seven years and the hours from 6 a.m. to midnight are non-sex hours, there might be some adjustment that has to happen on the Tiptoe end. But I don't think that's the case. A couple of hours blocked off for study time doesn't sound like a celibacy sentence.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 7:42pm

"I have to agree. This jangles me a little. Why does it have to be while she's studying? I'll have to go back and check to see if this studying is expected to go on for years without a break. (Are you in med school, Tiptoe?) Or is this a ramp up to exams or mid-terms and will be over in a few weeks? This sex during studying feels like a test."



"I cast my vote for the conversation that prescribed study hours are non-sex hours. Now, if this is how it's going to be for the next seven years and the hours from 6 a.m. to midnight are non-sex hours, there might be some adjustment that has to happen on the Tiptoe end. But I don't think that's the case. A couple of hours blocked off for study time doesn't sound like a celibacy sentence."



^ ^ ^ ^ ^



I'm glad cooler heads than mine prevailed.



My first reaction was to imagine an HL response:



"You have to show him you love him or he'll be crushed. Why not agree that, on a prearranged signal such as him snapping his fingers or clapping his hands behind your back, you immediately pull your clothes down and drop to the floor on all fours. 10 minutes later, your man will be happier, because sex is such an emotional thing for him, and he'll even be kind to you for a day or so afterward. It's a win/win situation...Don't be so selfish!"

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 8:34pm
...not everyone sends email as a study session...for me, I have to occupy my mind with the subject at hand, literally...sex while doing that would distract me...I find it interesting that a woman who has a sex on demand policy with the exception of one time is being told that she's doing an eggshell dance...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Sat, 09-18-2010 - 12:29am

Nope, not in med school. I should be totally done with the degree in about two years. I'm thinking that it is a test, just to see how far he can push the sex on demand.

He recently admitted that often he wants sex when he's bored and doesn't have anything else to occupy his time. Which explains why he might try to initiate while I'm studying. As that used to be time we spent on the couch watching TV ect.

And I'm not sending emails. Normally, I'm knee deep in chemistry and biology. Occasionally I really have to work at Latin. But the sciences take most of my focus.






Edited 9/18/2010 12:41 am ET by tiptoeingaround
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Sat, 09-18-2010 - 7:18am

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Sat, 09-18-2010 - 8:04am

While HLs hate to hear it - it IS your body



I don't hate to hear it, I have no interest at all - the opposite - if there is