Why can't I be in the mood?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2006
Why can't I be in the mood?
13
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 6:10pm

Hi! I'm new to this but I could really use some help. I'm a perfectly fit and healthy 27 year old who is happily married (except for one problem). I'm never in the mood and I don't know why.

I have a two year old (she's absolutely adorable) and ever since I gave birth I just haven't been interested. I mean I want to but I just don't have the desire or the passion I use to. I asked my OBGYN about the problem twice, once for my 6 month check up after the baby, and another time at my "yearly exam" and he just blew me off and told me I had nothing to worry about.

This loss of desire has really put a damper on our marriage and every day that goes by it seems to get worse. I am still very attracted to my husband and I do still want to have sex (in my mind) but my body never seems to be interested.

I even went so far as to sign up for this medical trail for women with Hyperactive Female Desire dysfunction and was turned down due to the fact that I haven't been on the same birth control for more than 6 months. Which if anyone on here would like to see if they qualify for that research trail the web site is www.radiantresearch.com

Help! What do I do? Who do I see? What book do I read?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 6:43pm

>> I haven't been on the same birth control for more than 6 months.

You may already be aware that changing birth control pills can change sex drive. Are you taking the same pills that you took before your daughter was born?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 7:17pm

"This loss of desire has really put a damper on our marriage and every day that goes by it seems to get worse. I am still very attracted to my husband and I do still want to have sex (in my mind) but my body never seems to be interested."

Reclaiming Desire was a book that Dr Z used to recommend when she was here. If you do a search here on mothers and desire, you find various posts where this subject has been discuss. You're not along as this happens to lots of mothers. One recommendation is to stop wating for your body to be interested, follow your mind. Once you get started, your body will catch up to your mind, if you enjoy sex once you get started. Basically think arousal, desire, then go to orgasm. Let your husband arouse you, then the desire to continue sex kicks. Or as the Nike saying goes "Just do it".

Do little things for yourself too that might make you feel a little bit sexy, like a relaxing bath, new clothes, etc. Right now, your hormones seeem to have you more in mother mode.

You have the right idea to work on this because if you let it get worse, you'll have more issues with your marriage as the rejection your husband feels will pour into other areas of the marriage. Planning date nights to spend time together might help you feel a little closer and more intimate towards him. You shows schedule time for sex each week if you have to. If you look at the book or other books, it something a lot of couples have to do as they don't take the time for the 'couple' and the couple slowly drifts apart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2006
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 7:54pm
Yea, before I got pregnant I was on this (the one I'm taking now) for 8 years. After we had the baby I was having a hard time remembering to take the pill so I switched to the patch for nearly 10 months but had horrible side effects so I switched back.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2006
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 7:58pm
Thank you, I will do that. And thanks for understanding. I knew I came to the right place.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2002
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 8:43pm
Even though it appears you didn't breastfeed (given that you were on hormonal birth control that had estrogen in it straight after baby was born), your hormones may still be out of whack from that, you're touched out from handling a baby all the time, you're tired from not sleeping and endless chores, and if you are working, this is an additional stress.

 


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Sat, 07-28-2007 - 7:38pm

I would love to hear what your doctors said. I am also 27 and have been with my husband 12 years. We have been married 3 years. I love him to death and am very attracted to him but like you said my body has lost the desire. It started about 4 years ago and just kept getting worse and now I rarely have sex. I want him but like you said it just isn't there and it is taking a toll on my marriage also. I don't know what to do. It is hard because my doctor recommended a sex therapy group but like alot of men my husband isn't really into that idea. So many times they think it is just us they don't understand. My thoughts are with you. I wish us both the best.

Gen

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2006
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 12:54pm

I hate to say this but it actually makes me feel better to hear someone else my age is having this same problem. All of my other friends seem to get it on like clock work so I was begining to think I was the only one.

I thought about seeing a sex therapist but my insurance wouldn't cover it therefore we couldn't afford it. Like I said in my post, when I asked my OBGYN about "the problem" a year ago he just blew me off. I'm looking into finding another OBGYN, hopefully a woman, for my next appointment and see if she can help more then the other guy. Unforunantly, due to insurance, I have to wait until October before I can go and see someone.

I went online to AMazon.com and did a few searches for self help books to see if there was anything out there for people our age but mostly what I found was either for older women going through menapuase or books on different sexual positions.

I know how you feel. My husband doesn't understand this either. I keep telling him that I think it's a hormonal thing or something medical that I can't control and that it is in no way his fault. But I can also understand how this must make him feel. I would feel like crap too if he didn't want me. I've even tried some hearbal supplements for libido enhasement but I really couldn't tell a differnce.

Do you guys have kids?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 5:15pm

No we don't have children. I was told several years ago that I will have problems with infertility, and around that time I was also in two car accidents. I didn't have many issues that with a low sex drive but it is the only thing that is not hormonal I can possibly tie this too. I guess I am just looking for anything to be the cause of it. I also have thought about a sex therapist but like you said insurance doesn't always pay for it and I have awful insurance and I think it often takes the spouse helping you thought it and if they can't understand it than it is harder to work thought it, at least that is how I feel. I hope to repair this. I hope to want to enjoy a life with sex again and then one day I hope for children but that will be another battle. I just try to take it one day at a time. Anytime you need to talk feel free to email me. I don't always get to these boards often busickgk@aol.com I wish you the best of luck too and like you said I am glad it is not just me. It often feels like you are alone when you are still in your 20's and having these difficulties.

gen

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2007
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 10:13am
I was so glad to see that someone else has the same issues I'm dealing with. I'm 32, have an 18 mos son, and am trying to figure out why I'm not interested in sex at all. I've been with my husband for 7 years and we've never had a problem at all. I'm hoping it's hormones? I just finished breastfeeding...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 5:23pm

Breastfeeding can contribute to a lower libido. Do a search here on breastfeeding and you will find some info on that. Probably along with information on how having a very young child or young children can kill desire for lots of women. It could take a few years for your body to get back to where it was before or it might never get back there.

So the question becomes, will you let that stop you from being physically intimate with your husband? It becomes a matter of "conscience choice", maybe either giving yourself a push to get started or allowing your husband to try to arouse you to kick in the desire (hopefully in a loving/intimacy manner at least some of the time). It will take effort on your part to make that happen. Or just wait till desire kicks in, which might be rare for some time to come?

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