Why lie?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2006
Why lie?
59
Wed, 12-26-2007 - 11:31pm

It's a question I've always had in my head.... Why lie?


Why make up the excuses and the elaborate lies, those "give me a break I'm not that stupid" lines, the "I'm too tired, the "i'm too full" "If you do this x it may be better" "we're going through a dry patch" "maybe tomorrow" all those lies that LL make up to excuse not having sex or not wanting sex, why not come clean why not say the truth, many LL think or say they just dont want to hurt their partner's feelings... personally as a HL it hurts my feelings deeper to get a ridiculous excuse then a real honest "i just dont want to"


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2007
In reply to: darkvixen
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 8:07am
Another lie: padded bras...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: darkvixen
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 11:29am

The fact that you see everything as an excuse speaks volumes. If everything is already judged as an excuse, then there is nothing that can be said that is good enough for you.


I guess we could put the shoe on the other foot and see the HL remarks as lies and excuses to simply have sex:


I "need" to have sex...BS. That is a lie. No one has ever died from lack of sex. You are just using that as an excuse to be selfish or

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007
In reply to: darkvixen
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 11:47am

Yeah,

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2007
In reply to: darkvixen
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 11:51am

I can definitely

 

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: darkvixen
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 12:18pm

Using excuses avoids having to face the

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: darkvixen
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 12:51pm

"Yeah,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
In reply to: darkvixen
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 4:51pm

<>

Here's my take on this. If sex (for him) lay unequivocally in the plus column, he would seek it out more often. He would indeed learn from experience. To my mind, the only way to make sense of the fact that he "doesn't learn from experience" is that sex has both plus and minus components for him and that the negatives sometimes outweigh the positives. Sex may indeed relieve some of his stress, while at the same time dredging up vague feelings of discomfort. He may fear that he won't maintain an erection or otherwise perform to your satisfaction. He may dislike perceiving the contrast between your rapture and his more modest arousal. He may fear you expect him to perform certain acts that don't turn him on. Or any number of deterrents.

To me it's like simple math: if the positives outweigh the negatives, you end up with a "plus" result and a desire to have sex. If the negatives outweigh the positives, you end up with a "minus" result and a desire to avoid sex. Of course, the sum total of the individual "numbers" may vary from session to session. And it's possible that your DH (or any LL) isn't even aware of this arithmetic -- just finds himself with an inexplicable desire to avoid sex.

Freelance

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2007
In reply to: darkvixen
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 9:02pm

That certainly could be the case.


Or it could be the whole chicken-and-egg model of desire vs. arousal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2006
In reply to: darkvixen
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 9:19pm
""""I can definitely
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: darkvixen
Fri, 12-28-2007 - 8:03am

"For him, often, desire follows arousal. Nothing wrong with that at all, it just can lead to a certain sexual inertia if you're unaware that you roll that way."

This was a big part of my problem, adn I agree wholeheartedly. It was very difficult for me to figure out too, as I only knew one "model" and that is where you "feel horny" then want sex. Doesn't work that way for me. One reason why I never initiate.

"I don't know what strategies one might use to either remind one's partner or oneself to "try it; you'll like it". Maybe just being aware of that dynamic is a place to start. Or you could write it on the mirror with nice red lipstick....."

Awareness is always the key, isn't it? Most of the time a gentle reminder from dh that sex cures all ails is usually enough. Sometimes not, but...baby steps!

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