A woman's perspective...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2007
A woman's perspective...
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 12:02pm

I'm new here. I googled something and landed up in the LOVE & SEX boards a few days ago. Been lurking ever since...

Feel impressed to share a little bit as I've dealt with this issue in the past.

I've been LL several times in the 13 1/2 year relationship that I'm in. Felt used at times. Unloved at times. I longed for a deep connection with him. Sex... It not only made me feel disconnected with my man but disconnected with myself as well. It caused all kinds of insecurities, doubts and trust issues. Communication was barely existent and it spread to all areas of our relationship.

I won't bore you with all the details (this is going to be long enough as is) - but, I would love to share with you what changed (for me) so that now I have an absolutely wonderful relationship. We're closely matched and he even has turned me down(smiling - 'cause oh how the tables have turned).

Besides kids, work and just life in general, I had such a desire for our times together to be completely passionate, romantic and with attention to detail. In my mind there were expectations to be met and I wanted to be in the mood.

I was completely --- the emotional connection with you leads to a physical connection for us.
He was completely --- the physical connection with you leads to an emotional connection for us.

Some may completely disagree, but I worked to change my mindset (it is a process). I got a little frustrated at being grabbed at, sexual comments being made and "quickie"s being the dominant in our sexual relationship. I decided I would "use" him. The next time we had sex I let him know that - a "quickie" was what it was. Made a little comment of "thanks", a pat on his ass and I got up and did whatever. Did this several times over the next few weeks. W*0*W... it didn't take long for it to be empowering TO ME! and LIBERATING! He was happy and before I even knew it, I was slightly enjoying the reversal of roles. He started doing some romantic things, paying some attention to past wants and generally smiling, winking and kissing me more often. As I said, a process. A few years later and a "quickie" is not the norm.

That was the start of a beautiful sexual relationship. It was freeing for me. Back then, I was lucky to "O" once in every 2 or 3 months (I had more by myself). My gosh, now... I "O" almost every time. Honest. I love him more now than I ever did. He's more protective, attentive and desiring of me now than he ever was.

Not all can be worked out, but I sure hope this can help someone. I thought we were destined for doom years back.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2003
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 12:58am
Well, I'm glad that you and dh have found some middle ground.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2007
Fri, 09-28-2007 - 3:48pm


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2007
Wed, 10-03-2007 - 4:21pm

Hi there.

Glad you are changing some things to heighten the intimacy in your marriage.