Working out a compromise

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2003
Working out a compromise
24
Tue, 01-01-2008 - 8:03pm

DH and I have been doing really well in the bedroom lately. In the past we had problems though. Mainly DH wanting sex more than me and we would get in some pretty nasty arguments. Well, I turned him down a few days ago (Saturday night) and he was very upset. He didn't go into one of his major rants, but he was pretty upset and said some pretty mean things. This is something I want to avoid because it brings up some bad feelings between us. I don't want to have sex because he is being mean, and then he doesn't want to initiate cause he's mad, but he continues to bad mouth me. This can be a vicious cycle that goes on for days.

Since then we have had sex twice. But I am in one of my phases where my need for sex is pretty low. We mainly had sex last night for New Years, and I don't have a problem with that, but now I really don't want sex for a couple days. One of the problems with the Saturday night rejection was DH started touching me and I didn't stop him, and when he saw I wasn't responding he got very upset. I was trying to allow myself time to get excited, and it just wasn't happening. Now, I could have said right off the bat no, but I thought I would give it a chance.

I think the best way to avoid hurt feelings and uncomfortable situations in the bedroom is to set the tone before we go to bed. DH is big on texting with his cell phone. And we are always around our phones. So I figured we could come up with a text system. I know that sounds silly, but at least we would know ahead of time if we wanted sex or not. It will take the pressure off, and allow for hurt feelings to stop. There are times I don't want sex, but am willing to take care of DH, I can let him know that. That way he won't touch me in a way that would be annoying to me, and I can just give him the cue when I'm ready for sex. And sometimes I want romantic sex, and I can let him know that so he just doesn't jump in for the kill and annoy me, which will turn me totally off.

I'm optimistic about this. Plus, it could be fun!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
Tue, 01-01-2008 - 9:49pm
I read once about a system of placing a pillow in bed with the words "Tonight" and "Not tonight" embroided on each side, I wouldn't really use it because it would always read an empty tonight, or denying not tonight, also my DH and I may need to wrestle each other to leave it on a specific "side" :o) I'd eventually get one that reads "tonight" on both sides and giggle at him throwing the pillow out XoD
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2003
Tue, 01-01-2008 - 10:16pm

Since writing my post I have actually come up with a system already, I just haven't talked to DH about it yet. He's watching tv right now. But I wanted to make it as simple as possible so it only will include 4 options:
1)no
2)Q- quickie sex for DH
3)QT- quickie with my toy, which means quickie for me too ;)
4)R- romantic sex

I think this will work pretty good for us. Plus, it will set the tone and help me get in the mood, so I can think about it beforehand. Pretty much if I don't get a text from him I will know he's not really in the mood that night, and the same goes for me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2007
Wed, 01-02-2008 - 11:55am

Forgive me if my suggestion seems "way out there", but I was thinking... I dunno... just talking about what you want instead of texting?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2003
Wed, 01-02-2008 - 7:19pm
Yeah it does sound that easy doesn't. I guess if it were that easy none of us would be on this board. But the good thing about the texting for me is it gives me a chance to think about what I really want instead of just blurting out no, like I normally would.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 12:21pm

I understand your first post with the DH being mean about wanting sex, and almost demanding it, and not wanting to initiate it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2003
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 7:52pm

Hi, I'm going to try to hit on the main points.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Fri, 01-04-2008 - 10:08am

I am on medication, and yes I do think it affects my libido.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2003
Fri, 01-04-2008 - 7:35pm
I'm sorry I don't want you to think that I think you are just out with random people. It sounds like you have a good handle on the open relationship thing. I'm not sure what the answer is. That is great that you're going out. I hope you have fun! :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Mon, 01-07-2008 - 3:22pm

No offense taken.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2003
Mon, 01-07-2008 - 9:49pm
I'm glad you and your DH got to spend some time alone. There really haven't been any ultimatum given out by me or DH when it comes to sex. I have to him about other things in the relationship though. Right now I am just trying to give myself a break with sex. I have so much going on emotionally right now that I need to sort through. I'm realizing that I have a problem with physical touch to a certatin degree as means of initiation. I don't know why?

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