Advice badly needed. I feel like time is running out on a 10-year marriage.

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Advice badly needed. I feel like time is running out on a 10-year marriage.
6
Wed, 07-18-2012 - 3:24pm

I'll try to cover as much as possible as quickly as possible.  My wife and I have been married for 10 years and have one child (girl, 7).  We had been in marriage counseling for over a year.  Things were bad but not in the sense that we were fighting - things just went sort of "flat."  We both seemed to be going through the motions and while we were still close, our intimacy took a hit. Needless to say, our sex life suffered.  Counseling became like picking at a scab - it would leave us both emotionally and physically exhausted, so we decided to get a little oxygen and take a break.  

Overall, things between us have improved greatly since we suspended therapy about 6 months ago, but except for one sexual encounter, it's been nothing.  It almost hurts me to write this but it's probably been once in the past year!  We're both in our late 30s BTW.  

I've tried everything to re-ignite the "spark" even going as far as losing weight, working out, spending more time together, offering massages, etc.  Nothing.  She claims to have strong sexual desires, just not with me because there is a connection that isn't there (yet) which she says she needs.  While I respect her position, I sometime wonder if we're just so 'out of practice' that the thought of sex has become foreign and awkward.  In the days when we did have sex on a fairly regular basis, it was always very satisfying for both of us.

Of course, I've had suspicions of affairs and even found what I thought was a smoking gun - emails/texts from some guys she met on a girls' trip.  She swore up and down that nothing had happened and they were simply friends so what choice did I have but to believe her?

Anyway, I've come here out of desperation.  I love her dearly.  I love her family and our family dearly and the thought of divorce is hard to even consider even in my darkest moments.  But a life devoid of sex feels unfulfilling on a lot of differrent levels.  I want more than a close friend whom I share a child and home with.  

I guess what I'm wondering is if these situations ever end happily.  As much as I hope the spark gets re-ignited, it seems unlikely that she is going to one day wake up and decide that I'm once again desirable.  

I've always been a confident person and have never had a difficult time attracting women,  but my self-esteem is getting absolutely CRUSHED!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Yes, the Paragard IUD, (and incidentally, most forms of hormonal birth control) can have this issue. That is why I opted for the copper IUD the second time around (we tried getting rid of as many of the drugs I was taking as possible, to see if any of them were having an effect.) Unfortunately, I wound up with fibroids, and even after treatment for them, my uterus was no longer in the right condition for any IUD, so I was on the pill again. Fortunately next week I am having my uterus removed, so maybe after healing we will see what happens. My point is that there are non hormonal birth control options. Copper IUD, vasectomy, tubal ligation, diaphragm and more. Try one, try them all, don't think you don't have any choices!!
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Re: Advice badly needed. I feel like time is running out on a 10
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 6:19pm
That is something many people choose to do, but few of us are willing to admit:
deciding "you hurt me for years, so now I am going to hurt you back until I think you have suffered enough."
And sometimes people continue to do this even after the neglectful spouse recognizes their past mistakes and changes their behavior.
One would hope that improved behavior would lead to improved response. But if your partner is busy paying you back for past slights, your current behavior may not even be relevant to how they intend to treat you.
Try getting someone to admit they are playing that game.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012

<<Try getting someone to admit they are playing that game.>>

Yes, and that is the hardest part of this.  Because once you get them to admit it, it's game over.

Relationships will rarely survive that admittal.  Both sides want to hang onto the status quo, for the OP it means that he holds onto hope that she will get her libido back, and with that he stays with his child full time while being satisfied.  For her, it means that she can continue to reject him, and get satisfaction from his suffering.  Both of them don't want to be the one to pull the plug, their relationship is on life support.  If she pulls the plug, she becomes the "awful LL who rejected her husband and withheld all affection" "prude" "frigid".  If he pulls the plug, he becomes "horndog" "sex maniac" "men-only-want-one-thing-in-life".

It's amazing what people will go through just to be labeled the "good guy".

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012

Sorry for my last post, pure projection of my life:smileysad:

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
No need to apologize. What you wrote was true and from the heart. We appreciate your willingness to share so much with us.

When you see it coming, duck!