Am I a sex-crazed heathen? Or just HL? Is there a line?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2012
Am I a sex-crazed heathen? Or just HL? Is there a line?
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 7:52pm

I've gotten the sense from these boards that most people with ML have enormous gaps in the rare occurances they actually have sex with their partner. Months, years even. Am I ridiculous for being so upset that I only get it once every 2 weeks or so? 

I have sex on my mind all of the time. I enjoy reading erotica, I fantasize and daydream about sex several times a day, especially about the kind of sex I know I'll probably never get to have. Starting to wonder if I have a problem. 

...Just wondering if my DH isn't the one with the "problem", and maybe I'm just obsessed. -.- 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think that wanting sex more than twice a week as a young newlywed is hardly being sex crazed.  I'd consider myself in the middle (neither HL or LL) and probably 2-3x a week would be fine with me.  I think you also think about sex constantly because you're not getting enough.  If you were satisfied with your own sex life, maybe it wouldn't be on your mind all the time--you know how when you're on a diet all you can think about is the food you're deprived of?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011

You will find out that in reality there is no set number as to what is considered sex-crazed.  It usually comes down to what couples agree / compromise on.  For newlyweds I would image a slight drop from when you were dating, but nothing too drastic.  I remember 3 - 5 times a week when we were first married, (sigh) the good old days.  Later in our marriage it dropped down to 2 - 3 times a week, and I was fine with that, I still would go just about every day if I could. After 17 years we are too the point that it is 2 - 3 times a month, and when I suggested to my wife that I would like to have sex 2 -3 times a week, I was told that I was a a sex addict!

There are other things that factor in as well.  I work out 5 times a week, for my age I'm in really good shape, it does wonders for your sex drive.  My wife does not work out at all, and has a few extra pounds, her sex drive is in the toilet.

I think about sex all the time too, fantasize, daydream, etc... from the HL side, it's normal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006

Other than an 18 month stint when my exW used the lack of initiating sex as a weapon, we had sex once a day on average for the entire 22 years of our marriage. Neither of us thought it strange since that was the frequency that we both enjoyed. The same could be said for a couple that hasn't had sex at all for 22 years if that was what they both enjoyed.

I think the sooner that you stop looking for who is to blame, the sooner you will accept the situation. As I think I have said already, blame denotes the ability to change... a false hope that only makes the heart grow sick.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997

Greytie, I don't think you have a problem with your libid0.  You're 25yo and at a stage in life where you don't have children to distract you from your own thoughts and sexuality.  Your libid0 sounds completely normal for a 25yo.  So please don't obsess over it.

Your H's libid0 does sound low for a 25yo, though it doesn't sound abnormal either.  I wouldn't obsess over that either.

I do believe that the two of you should discuss your sex life together *with a therapist* - not a sex therapist, but a regular couples therapist.  It sounds like the two of you have differing expectations about the role of sex in marriage, and you're not coming to a satisfying place on it together.  A good, objective therapist can help you identify the issues underlying this - and probably other things in your relationship - and help you emerge on the other side of that process with a deeper understanding of each other.

My DH and I met when we were in college, where we were like rabbits, several times a day.  Naturally that cooled off after a certain point, and eventually we realized, with the help of a therapist, that we were each carrying around unspoken expectations that were ruining our sex life.  We do in fact have very different levels of "interest," though after 30 years together and midlife having its effect on me, it really doesn't matter anymore.  What does matter is that we learned through counseling to talk about our feelings honestly, knowing that the other genuinely cared about them, and that we both were committed to each other and to our relationship.  This has been a key to being happily married for decades, with a happy family.

Rather than "running for the hills," that's what I'd suggest for you.