anthropology and non-monogamy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
anthropology and non-monogamy
7
Thu, 07-15-2010 - 10:54am

The book http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Prehistoric-Origins-Sexuality/dp/0061707805?mbid=synd_yshine this person wrote looks very interesting, and the things he has to say in his interview http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/ask-an-expert-why-famous-men-cheat-and-what-our-ancestors-really-thought-of-sex-and-monogamy-2029786/?pg=2#comments really sounded right to me.

Here's some quotes

"In Sex at Dawn, we are careful to distinguish sexual monogamy from emotional monogamy. It's quite possible that many of our ancestors maintained very special, uniquely intimate relationships over their entire adult lives, but unlikely that many of them considered sexual exclusivity to be a necessary part of that intimacy. So, perhaps our ancient ancestors felt just as much "love" as any of us do, but they very probably considered sex to be a separate matter."

"Rosemary: In long-term relationships, why does the sexual passion fade even though the couple’s love grows?

Christopher: It fades because its work is done. Sexual passion is a force for drawing two people together. Once they are together, it's utterly natural for that passion to fade. If the couple are compatible on other levels, it will be replaced by something deeper and much more enduring than sexual passion, something we might call "soul passion." Trying to build a family on sexual passion is like building a house on December ice, but founding a marriage on soul passion is building on solid ground.

Couples who feel a sense of failure in the passing of sexual passion are the victims of a childish and false vision of "love" promoted by the fairy tales of Hollywood and romance novels."

And here's my favorite...I might just move to a remote village in China!

"One very interesting exception to this that we discuss in Sex at Dawn is the Mosuo people, of China. Part of their view of romance is that sexual gossip is deeply shameful and must never happen. Each person's sexual autonomy is absolute (men's and women's) and any attempt to limit this essential freedom by innuendo, declarations of jealousy, or any other means is strongly discouraged and ridiculed. As one Mosuo woman put it, "Women and men should not marry, for love is like the seasons—it comes and goes." Of course, the Mosuo have a family system which doesn't depend on married couples to provide social stability."

All in all, his view seems to line up pretty well with mine.

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Thu, 07-15-2010 - 11:13am
...I can agree with the words...and, I absolutely buy into the fact that men were not served well by monogamy (evolution) (discussed at length in most of my social psychology classes)...but, I intend on working my butt off to keep some of our (a lot of our) sexual passion alive as I know for a fact that my husband assigns emotional value to sexual intimacy and I do not (DO-EFFING-NOT) want him having an emotional attachment to anyone else...he equates sex/love/romance as a package...I wanna be his package...even if he promised that he wouldn't leave me, there is no way that he could promise me that he would not become attached to someone else...and, that (attachment) would hurt me...I wanna be his #1...(Miranda, I did not read everything...just commenting on the sexual passion part...)...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 07-15-2010 - 11:30am

Oh absolutely! I believe that if you NEED sexual exclusivity to feel good about your relationship, you should absolutely take steps to do your utmost to ensure your partner is able to provide it. However, I think it IS bucking nature, and you DO need to be aware that it is HARD work. So many folks think we're designed to "mate for life" and I just cannot buy it. I like how he equates being monogamous to working the night shift. It's just not natural for most of us. Doesn't mean it can't be done, just means you've got to be prepared for how difficult it might be.

roo and snowy siggie
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 07-15-2010 - 11:57am

I agree.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Thu, 07-15-2010 - 12:02pm

I saw this referenced on the Savage Love column, and the guy co-responded with Dan.


While I find evolutionary psychology interesting as speculation, I'm afraid it's a LONG way from science, and a lot of the stuff reads as "just so" explanations.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 6:38pm

<

Couples who feel a sense of failure in the passing of sexual passion are the victims of a childish and false vision of "love" promoted by the fairy tales of Hollywood and romance novels.">>

I SO agree with this! I'm gonna have to get that book.

F.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 6:57pm

I was hoping you were around FLM, this one sounded right up your alley. I might try and buy it too, I need to investigate the website for the authors, at the very least!

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 11:15pm
...I think you should save your money Miranda...you'll probably agree with the book but what will that do for your relationship?...