Are HL people really Co-dependent people?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Are HL people really Co-dependent people?
11
Mon, 03-12-2012 - 11:51pm

I was lurking the boards and found this list of how to define a co-dependent:

Typical Characteristics of Codependants

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 5:29am
I don't think HLs are necessarily codependent personality types. It's just that sex itself is a "codependent" activity. If you desperately want something that only one person can provide, by definition you depend on that person to provide it and will act accordingly.

F.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 6:29am

Hot button time, hope I can provide some useful reflections since we're all trying to understand each other here!

The list has many attributes which may or may not apply to HLs (or LLs), I don't particularly resonate with it being an HL thing.

It is true that an HL wants something from another person, it takes 2 to tango.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 8:56am

"Yet in a sexually and emotionally exclusive relationship, both parties have needs that are met with the help and cooperation of the other."

I love the way you put this. It sums up what a partnership should be, and encompasses more than just sexual needs.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 10:20am
Not all HLs are co-dependent. But I think those of us HLs who stay in a ML relationship for long periods of time ARE co-dependent. The non-codependent HLs would leave before it went on that long.

So if you are LL and "stuck" with a co-dependent HL, be careful what you wish for. You might think to yourself "if my HL were not so codependent, they would pump up their self-image with things besides sex and not be so dependent on me for their fix". Which may lead you to think "I wish my partner would become less codependent". Yes, it is possible they can learn to become more self-reliant and less fixated on having sex with you.

But it is also possible that they will walk out the door and never look back.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 10:30am
It's not HL or LL dependent. I'm the LL and have been for many years. I'm also the one who was diagnosed as co-dependent (and I am fairly sure that the regulars who have been here for years will back that diagnosis up.) I've had a lot of therapy and done a lot of growing. I'd like to think that I'm a reformed co-dependent. (what say you, board dwellers?) I see myself in that list pretty loud and clear. I work to overcome the tendencies that put me there, without destroying the relationship I am committed to. It has been a battle, but one worth fighting. I'd be wary of painting all HLs or all LLs with the same brush. We're all different, special, unique little flowers, lol I think co-dependency, mental illness, addictions, and a lot of other dysfunctions are equal opportunity issues with regard to libido.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 1:28pm

I would agree with your self assessment as a reformed co dependent.. You seem pretty independent at this point though, and very self aware, two traits I highly admire.

I thought the descirption of a co dependent fit my ex to a T. Especially the part where his "partner" is repsonsible for making him happy. No thank you, never again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 7:11pm

I am HL and I can tell you that I am NOT co-dependent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 9:04pm

Reading these descriptive statements, I don't see it. Nope, not at all. Co-dependency is far removed from the characteristics of being HL as even the behaviors that have overlap are typically different.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Wed, 03-14-2012 - 12:36am

I don't think HLs are necessarily codependent personality types. It's just that sex itself is a "codependent" activity. If you desperately want something that only one person can provide, by definition you depend on that person to provide it and will act accordingly.

See, my definition of co-dependent was that you are depending upon someone else to validate your self worth and feelings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Wed, 03-14-2012 - 7:20am

"Glass half full or half empty"

I've found it generally helpful to shift my orientation towards the half-full more than I used to.

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