Becoming increasingly frustrated

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Becoming increasingly frustrated
13
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 12:00pm

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now (we live together).

At first, he wanted sex with me all the time... Our sex life was great, and I was happy that he wanted me so much.

After a few months, however, he just let me know that that was a phase and sometimes he goes through them... He's just never really "needed sex". He enjoys it when he has it, but he doesn't need it all the time.

I have (since I became sexually active) always had a very healthy libido. I could be very happy with sex on a daily basis, or even every other day.

Now, it seems that he only initiates it when it's the weekend. On rare occasions, he'll be turned on during the week, but he made it clear that if he doesn't want it, he's not going to force it just because I want it because that feels wrong to him. I understand that, but I feel like only his needs are being met.

He continuously tells me when I'm hurt by this and ask about it that he still finds me very attractive and he loves me very much... He's just not that interested in sex. (of course, he still compliments me some way on almost a daily basis).

I'm just sexually frustrated... When I tell him, and I try not to bring it up anymore because I'm afraid of rejection, he just tells me that he doesn't know what to do about it.

I love him with every part of me, but I'm just not happy with the amount of sex we're having (the quality is excellent). I'm tired of being the one that has to initiate it most of the time, and getting turned down about 50% of the time.

Does this sound familiar to anybody else? What should I do?

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 1:44pm

Let this be a lesson to you.  At least you are not married to him!  Many people have your problem.  Many have to "take one for the team" to keep the relationship alive.  He is not getting the memo!  He may not want to do you at the same time you want him to do you.  He might want sex only once a week if that.  However,many people have sex to please the partner to keep the relationship.

   IMO talking over the kitchen table(if there is one) and telling him what you WANT is imperative!  If he is unwilling then negotiations to open the relationship to other sex partners or terminate the relationship is in order.  You do deserve to have your needs met. 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 4:10pm

Ask him why it is "wrong" for him to have sex when he isn't the mood.  This is a common -- and highly corrosive -- belief.  Challenge him on that.  Offer an alternative belief system that he can accept in its place.  Explain, for example, that is quite common for people to need arousal before feeling desire.  Have him acknowledge that sex ends up being fun even when it doesn't start with him being in the mood.  If he is a reasonable person, that sort of approach may help to get him to compromise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 4:25pm
If the OP's bf is not able to get an erection when he is not aroused, then that could be a problem. She may want his erection too, which is a challenge for him.

Also, let us remember that most HL's don't just want the LL to "take one for the team" but they want desire as well. You all may call him selfish but he maybe feeling that he is not able to perform when he's not in the mood and that leads him to refuse sex.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Sat, 09-08-2012 - 9:31am
<<someone who does not want to have the slightest bit of fun in the first place! >>

It's not that LLs don't WANT to have fun, it's that they often don't FIND sex fun.

F.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 3:56pm
TwilightRiddles wrote:

...he just let me know that that was a phase and sometimes he goes through them... He's just never really "needed sex". He enjoys it when he has it, but he doesn't need it all the time...

...he made it clear that if he doesn't want it, he's not going to force it just because I want it because that feels wrong to him...

He continuously tells me when I'm hurt by this and ask about it that he still finds me very attractive and he loves me very much... He's just not that interested in sex. (of course, he still compliments me some way on almost a daily basis).

...he just tells me that he doesn't know what to do about it.

My (plagiarized) advice would be:

1. Thank him for being so communicative, so honest and so self-aware. You are a fortunate woman to have such a relationship.

2. In return, be completely communicative, open, honest and self-aware yourself. Are you capable of being a long-term partner with such a man without resentment, contention, anger and unfaithfulness?

3. If not, wouldn't it be best for both of you if you ended the relationship and found one that was mutually satisfactory, not just satisfactory for one person? If you are capable of a drama-free relationship with a low-libido man, then come up with a plan to constructively handle resentment, contention, anger and desire to be unfaithful. (I don't know what that plan might include, but it might involve a potter's wheel, violence against lumps of clay and making your own sex toys.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 7:43pm
If a guy tells you he doesn't need sex, BELIEVE HIM. If a guy tells you he "enjoys it when he has it," I would interpret it to mean "I enjoy it to some degree, but not so much as to make it compelling."

This is not going to change. It's up to you to decide if you can live HAPPILY with this man as he is now, not as you'd like him to be.

JMHO Freelance
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 09-18-2012 - 7:52pm
In case you were intending to plagiarize this:

I have given the following advice in the past, and I think it applies to TW as well:

If I were you, I would thank your boyfriend profusely. Thank him for for the time you spent together. Thank him for being honest regarding how he feels about sex. Thank him for helping you discover the variety of human experience.

Then leave.

Do not complain. Do not whine and moan. Do not beg him to change for you. Smile and thank him for what has been a great experience. Thank him for helping you to learn more about yourself and more about what you want in a relationship. Then thank him for understanding that you guys aren't right for each other and wish him well in finding someone more compatible with him.

Because truth be told dearie, you aren't any better a match for him than he is for you. Nagging him for sex and complaining that he isn't satisfying you probably bothers him as much as the lack of sex bothers you.


After all, isn't this what dating is for? To find out what kind of relationship you want? Ending a relationship is not a failure. It is like trying new foods. Sometimes you like them. Sometimes you don't. I tell my kids all the time when trying a new food that if it tastes bad to you it isn't a failure. You have successfully experimented and discovered something new about yourself. Same with dating. You try different guys to find out what you like and don't like about men. Eventually you find one that you like enough to stay with. But the ones you break up with aren't failures. They are successful relationships that you learned from.


Add this one to that list and move on. It is best for both of you. Sex is one of the Top Two reasons couples divorce. Libido mismatch is more than enough to destroy an otherwise wonderful relationship. Be thankful you spotted this early and can get out relatively easily (compared to after marriage and kids).

When you see it coming, duck!