Beginning to hate his choice HELP!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2005
Beginning to hate his choice HELP!!
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 4:44pm
So here is the thing. My fiance and I are engaged and getting married in two short months. I have known him for 5 years and we have been dating for one year. When we 1st met, he was the sweetest man on the earth. He cuddled with me, sweet-talked me, the works. I honestly felt like I was the most important, special thing in his life. Even a girl that dated him before (whom I know) said that he was the best boyfriend ever and that he did all these same things the entire relationship (6 months). She broke up with him bc she moved. Anyway, he even said in the beginning that he was just that kind of guy and that it would never change. Well 7 months into the relationship, he started having problems. He was never "in the mood" and had problems "getting aroused". Come to find out, he was extremely low on testosterone ( he had other symptoms as well). Now, he is on testosterone and gets shots every 2 weeks. At 1st, I didn't notice any negative changes, only positive, if you know what I mean. Now, 3 months after he started, I am so unhappy. He has changed so much. There are still times he doesn't feel "in the mood" and I get turned down bc he is "too tired" or whatever. Also, the cuddling and sweet-talking, GONE! I can barely get him to sit by me on the couch to watch a movie. If I put my head or feet on him while watching a movie, he just sits there like a statue and doesn't move or show me any
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 5:26pm

Call off the wedding.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 9:54pm

Call off the wedding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 7:48am

I agree with Hold and Tryinghard, call of the wedding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 1:29pm

I called off my first engagement 2.5 months before the wedding. I didn't recover a dime and I paid hell with a lot of family and friends but looking back on it, that didn't matter one bit.

I wasn't stuck with a woman whom I could not trust to keep a solemn oath, even one that we both agreed

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2007
Tue, 08-10-2010 - 7:06am

Call it off. If your friends and family are disappointed or even downright furious, simply tell them the truth: He turned into someone you can't spend the rest of your life with. Believe me, they will understand if and when they see how completely unaffected he is by your leaving him.

Testosterone therapy often follows a classic course: There is a honeymoon period in which energy is high, libido skyrockets and mood drastically improves, but it doesn't last. Once the man's system becomes accustomed to his new hormonal balance, the true long-term effects of the treatment become apparent. His high energy often becomes obsessively and selfishly focused (work/working out). His libido remains strong, but he becomes extraordinarily lazy when it comes to sexually satisfying anyone other than himself. He becomes a self-obsessed, egotistical emotional cripple.

It may not be entirely his fault, as excessive testosterone interferes with a patient's ability to empathize, but in essence, you and your needs have taken a very distant backseat to your fiance's personal wants and desires. So long as your fiance is convinced that the testosterone has made him the "manly man" he always should have been, he will not see the reality of the fact that it has pushed him well past that point. Intellectually, he's undoubtedly aware that you're miserable and that the drastic changes he has undergone are the reason you're miserable, but he's probably counting on you sucking it up... if he cares, either way.

I really hate to say this, but you need to come to terms with the fact that you are no longer the primary source of happiness in your fiance's life. Testosterone is a drug in its own right, even if the "high" it produces is derivative of the positive changes it induces. That feeling (a euphoria in its own right) is not something he is going to give up without a fight. Nagging will not work. Threatening to leave him will not work. Leaving him might work, but maybe not...

Either way, for the sake of your personal sanity and well being, you need to call it off with him. In a year or so, once his self-infatuation evens out and the depression kicks in, he might be a little more tolerable to be around, but you're not going to get your perfect boyfriend back.