Boyfriend too old or together too long?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2011
Boyfriend too old or together too long?
11
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 4:34pm
Hey, my boyfriend and I have been together 4 years. There is a big difference in our ages, he is 38 and I am 23. My problem is, I used to enjoy sex quite often, nowadays I don't as much. We run a business together and it can be very stressful. When we do have sex it's like let's hurry up and finish not passionate at all. Is that what happens when you are together for a long time or is it his age causing his libido to decrease? The only other long relationship I had was a 2 year relationship but this guy was my age. What do you think?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 5:07pm

Well, as I adjust my truss & put in my teeth, I'd guess that it's not age.  Studies that have been done indicate that the biggest correlate is the length of relationship, not age.  And there are a whole raft of rubbish notions that people have about age and sex that it would do you well to cast out of your mindset for your future life.

One of the big factors in relationships is the beginning, where there are cocktails of excitement and hormones zipping up both parties drives, and it can sure be a let-down when one partner's desire declines (especially if they are by then married with kids etc).  This happens over a variable length of time, e.g. a couple of years.

It's not even clear from what you say who has more or less interest, and what happens in the dynamics between you.

My biggest concern would be the confusion and conflict in roles you have - business partners, lovers, friends, etc.

And naturally, finding a good assertive way to talk over this in a same-team way would be a great start to your relationship, and should give you good information on how well you are able to negotiate differences.  I would not ignore this because it tends to get worse and then you can be in a very difficult situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2011
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 7:50pm
Well I would like to have sex more but when we do it like he doesn't take his time at all no foreplay just right to it. And that causes me to not want sex as often because it boring/too fast. I've tried dressing up and trying new things in the bedroom and it works that one night then goes back to usual. We are together almost 24/7 so maybe that's why we don't have time apart to look forward to seeing one another at the end of the day. Here have a 9 month old together and he has a 14 year old by the way. He gets his feelings hurt VERY easily so I'm not sure how to go about talking to him about it without him thinking I'm sayig he is unnattractice or am unhappy with him generally because I love him very much but I'm not sure how much longer I can take this un-passionate relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2011
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 7:51pm
* did not mean to use the word like in the first sentence
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 4:28am

You have some legitimate needs that are not being met at the moment, and you have to be able to find a way of communicating that effectively.  Of course, you have constraints, the 24/7 and yet more roles (mom, dad, stepmom....), however, willing people find ways round that.

One of the "standard" techniques for positive assertion is to raise what you want - rather than what you don't want - in a neutral context.  And guide him/encourage him when he does things that you like.  This makes it less like complaining.

And you may need to get blunt - if he's coming too quick, how's about warming you up first?  Are you having less sex, so he's more on a hair trigger?  Does it feel like the opportunities are "snatched" - you mention a 9-month old - are the opportunities liable to interruption so he feels he has to strike while the chance is there?  No idea the answers to this or other questions that may occur to you, only way is to find out and explore, honestly.  A useful skill.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2011
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 7:12am

Well our 9 month old goes to bed at 8pm every night and sleeps through the night so I don't think oppurtunity is an issue. One of the reasons im not as interested in sex as I was before is honestly ive never had an orgasm during oral or sex before, not just with him but with any boyfriend, I can have one by myself though. If the sex is not exciting or interesting, what is the point since I won't have one anyway, its just boring for me. Should I tell him about my secret? I've always just faked it with previous relationships and with this one as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 9:20am

Should I tell him about my secret? I've always just faked it with previous relationships and with this one as well.

You can't expect honesty out of him if you keep something this important from him.  How is he supposed to know you aren't enjoying it if you are lying about it?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 10:34am

 "just faked it "

Hmmm.  No such thing as "just".  You've been lying, he probably knows or senses something, and you now have a problem coming clean - which is what you should do.  If you aren't able to come clean, I'd put it as "want to be more excited" - and stop the faking.

To be very blunt, some women need direct stimulation with fingers or toys to get off.  And what a gorgeous opportunity to teach him how to do this.

Thing is, if you balk at this, I sense that sex will (understandably) continue to be boring, you'll get increasingly resentful, he will get the strong sense that you are not in to him and that can turn very nasty.

So, getting yourself some fun and getting some honesty out there could be very good for your relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2011
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 10:37am

I've never told any boyfriends because I'm afraid they would think something is wrong with them or with me. He is going to take it that way as well, he gets his feelings hurt very easily. How should I go about telling him?

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 6:24pm
You are not doing him any favors by hiding the truth. Yes, he may be unhappy to hear that you do not find his technique masterful. But it is not like he is thrilled today. And he is certainly not going to be thrilled when you leave him or cheat on him to obtain the sexual satisfaction you desire but aren't getting.

Give him the chance to learn how to be a great lover for you. If his pride will not allow him to become a student, his loss.

When you see it coming, duck!