breakthrough

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
breakthrough
46
Wed, 06-02-2010 - 2:30pm

We've had a breakthrough of sorts in our ML situation but not exactly in the preferred direction. For some time, we were having sex about once per week. It's far less than what I would prefer but it was tolerable to me. A few weeks ago, she stopped initiating and I noticed she was just not very interested in sex when I initiated. When I asked her about what was going on, she finally admitted that she was feeling turned off recently.

So it turns out that I smell bad to her now. She claims this is relatively new. I asked if I smelled bed even after I showered and she said I did. It was hurtful but I said I would use more deodorant. I didn't tell her but I also planned to use cologne (though I have to be careful because she's sensitive) when/if we have sex. She tried to soften the blow by saying it may be related to some medications I'm taking but I've been taking those for some time now. I don't know what's changed.

Since then, there have been other communication issues we've been working on but just today she also admitted that she didn't feel like she had much fun with me and that also affects her sexual feelings for me. I asked if she meant that she thought I wasn't very enthusiastic when we did things together (like attending a recent concert or playing card games together). She said yes.

I explained to her that this was a chicken or egg situation. I asked her, "wouldn't you think that it would be hard for a man to be enthusiastic for a woman outside the bedroom that is not enthusiastic for the man in the bedroom?" She agreed with that statement as well.

I have a feeling there is more coming. I know the bottom line is that she is probably asexual, from her own admissions that she doesn't feel sexual toward anyone, and addressing these issues is not likely to help much, but I am glad we are at least airing these things out.

I was content, though hardly ecstatic, with the way things were before. I'm not sure where this is headed now...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
In reply to: magnaniman
Wed, 06-02-2010 - 2:53pm

""I explained to her that this was a chicken or egg situation. I asked her, "wouldn't you think that it would be hard for a man to be enthusiastic for a woman outside the bedroom that is not enthusiastic for the man in the bedroom?" She agreed with that statement as well.""

Oh boy! My wife and I went round-n-round that little gem the whole time we were in counseling. She wants me to enjoy spending more non-bed time with her so she'd be more sexually interested. I want her to be more sexually interested so I'd be more inspired to do the things she wants to do together outside of the bedroom.

We're STILL going back and forth on this. But I did finally put my foot down saying that we've been doing it HER way for a decade now, and just maybe it was time for her to try doing some of the encouraging.

I know it's no real HELP, but just to let you know that you're certainly NOT alone in that little dilemma.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
In reply to: magnaniman
Wed, 06-02-2010 - 2:56pm

Sorry to hear about the new challenges, M. If you ask me, the smell thing is a red herring. To put it another way, it's her fundamental lack of interest in sex that makes her extra-sensitive to such things, not the other way around.

Freelance

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
In reply to: magnaniman
Wed, 06-02-2010 - 3:10pm

Can I check something with you M?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
In reply to: magnaniman
Wed, 06-02-2010 - 3:31pm
No, to her credit, she generally doesn't nitpick things.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2009
In reply to: magnaniman
Wed, 06-02-2010 - 8:24pm

"To put it another way, it's her fundamental lack of interest in sex that makes her extra-sensitive to such things, not the other way around."


I SO agree with this! In the past, my LL husband has made similar comments.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: magnaniman
Thu, 06-03-2010 - 12:55am
This sounds like a problem with immune systems.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interpersonal_compatibility
xvx Pictures, Images and Photos


Avatar for moondesert
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: magnaniman
Thu, 06-03-2010 - 10:57am

I agree that it's probably a bit of a red herring. Explaining her lack of desire away using something that is completely out of her control (your smell) removes any responsibility on her part to take a role in changing your sex life. The fact that the issue is also largely out of YOUR control is even more convenient for her because she is freed from the burden of having to have sex until the issue is resolved, which may not be possible at all.

I'm not necessarily blaming her for using it that way (I don't blame LL's for their low libido), just stating that the real issue remains her LL, and this is just another mask for that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
In reply to: magnaniman
Thu, 06-03-2010 - 11:25am

I don't think it has to be a 'mask' or an 'excuse.' I think that for people with LL it is just 100 times harder to get past things that HL people don't even notice, because they are "caught up in the moment."

I can't get "caught up in the moment" I wish I could, but it just doesn't happen. As a result I notice every little thing, from how he smells, to his scratchy toenails, to the spider making it's way across the ceiling. I sometimes do tell him about things like his breath, or toenails...I keep hoping if the distractions are gone, I will be able to get caught up in the moment. It's hard to admit it probably won't ever be that way for me. I still hope for it sometimes. Does any HL here blame me for that?

roo and snowy siggie
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: magnaniman
Thu, 06-03-2010 - 11:35am

No, don't blame you.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
In reply to: magnaniman
Thu, 06-03-2010 - 11:39am
...I can't speak for HLs, but I think it's understandable for you as I know what you are thinking (as you just described in your post) and some of the details about your relationship...but, I do think that sometimes LLs (including myself) use just about any reason to push the attention away from their LL reaction to their mat...not all of the time, but sometimes...it's just that the LL isn't attracted to their partners (that was my problem during my first marriage) and every little thing distracted me when attempting to enjoy sex with my first husband...the real problem for our marriage was that I was not motivated in any way to work on my distractions...I just wasn't attracted to him...did not find him sexually exciting at all...

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